Contradictions *Triggering*

Tonight we have been triggered badly. It’s always a slap in the face when the angry ones step forward, usually we don’t have any memory of them or what they have done, but tonight they left the residual feeling of anger when they left. We’re still shaking from it.

It’s such a contradiction to have the daily functioning states which are usually happy, being so quickly overwhelmed by such darkness and hatred. The violence!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has stirred up all the ones that have issues with running away and needing to escape. For the first time in a month we’ve been close to texting our normal therapist to ask for help. Tried grounding techniques such as breathing, walking, playing games, petting our cat… Nothing so far has helped. We’re trying this to see if it will dissipate the feeling.

In all the craziness we wrote this (poem????)

I am…

I am 3
Sore
No move
Run
Hide

I am 4
Why?
What I do wrong?
I sorry
I be better.

I am 5
I have the best daddy in the world
My daddy loves me
They all lie about my daddy
I’m the favourite

I am 7
Why me?
Did I walk wrong?
Did I look funny?

Need to be invisible.

I am 8
I am not your special girl
I hate you
I love you
I have to be ugly so no one will look at us again.

I am 13
How dare you
Don’t do that ever again
Dare you to try it again
I don’t care what you do to me

I am 16
No more please
Not again please
Noooooooooo
It hurts too much

I am 25
Hush little girl
I will do this
Go away
This is a mans game

These were the little snippets from parts at that age. Some are still at that age. They’re stuck in that hell, denial, protective state… This had better start getting better soon.

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One thought on “Contradictions *Triggering*

  1. Your writing on ‘I am…’ touches a nerve inside me. Its so true for me also. I didn’t know you had a blog, so I’m glad that I have found it 🙂 Hope you’re doing ok, as always x(amyl2701 from youtube).

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