Dazed and confused in New Zealand

Ok so this past week has been “interesting”… All things psychological have been BAD!!!!!!! The body tends to get really bad PMS which can cause hormones to go all over the place and cause chaos…

On top of that, we got a phone call from a friend in the USA who is also DID… It was wonderful and scary all at once. We got to talk to him and he understood immediately some of the stuff that we have to deal with daily – the switching, the anxiety, the littles, the reactions to triggers… We ended up talking on the phone for about 4 hours (hate to see his phone bill). We talked about all sorts of stuff and it was so confusing because it made us feel stuff we hadn’t felt in ages. It was a good confusing, but still confusing. On many levels talking to him is wrong – he is married, we are both dissociative and we live on either side of the Pacific. I’m not sure what we both want from talking to each other and that is what is confusing. It would be easy to say that it’s just out of friendship, but I don’t know if it is. Realistically it can’t be anything else, but it felt like something else when we were talking. It felt like lines were being crossed that will be difficult to cross back over again.

Told our therapist about the phone call and she immediately picked up on the length of time talking and wanted to know how safe it was. I think that is part of the danger with phone calls, it can seem so close but yet have that safety level which means that you don’t have to deal with the day to day stuff. She’s worried about it becoming a fantasy experience fed by our dissociation if the phone calls continue, and we agree. But the phone call was so nice and sweet and….

So here we are, dazed and confused. Hoping that he doesn’t get into trouble for talking to us, hoping that we can call again, but scared that we can and it lead to something that will hurt us all. Although the marriage is unhappy – it’s still a marriage… we can’t forget that.

Also in therapy yesterday we were given a book called Dragon Slippers: This is what an abusive relationship looks like by Rosalind B. Penfold. It’s a graphic novel that tells the story of this woman’s abusive relationship with a man for 10 years… It’s our story 😥 There are so many similarities with what happened to us as in the book that it’s just plain scary. At the start of the relationship it was all great and intense – he put flowers on the car seat when they were going out on a date; the ex-husband put flowers on the car seat when he came to pick us up one day when we were going to spend the weekend with him… There were lots of similarities to the point where Management asked if there was an abuser school and our ex and this guy were honors graduates from it!

We’re trying to settle and be calm about everything, but it’s really difficult…

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2 thoughts on “Dazed and confused in New Zealand

  1. I hope that you talk to this guy in America again, because from your post after the call it really helped you to know that you’re not alone with fighting DID.I can totally understand how the mind would twist things and make you want more than just a friendship, its something I struggle with a lot. But so long as you keep in your mind that it can’t go further then I don’t see the problem.Also about the book, eesh.. its creepy reading such things, bu again, its nice to know it isn’t just us in these kinds of situations.I hope you’re feeling less dazed and confused soon 🙂 *safe hugs*

  2. Thanks Amy :)Yeah I hope we get to talk to him again, it’s not like anything can happen!?! I think it’s just us getting all sorts of issues mixed up in the head – the messages from the past and being free to feel things again. He’s really sweet and it was so good to talk to someone who knows what is going on. Makes us feel a whole lot more “usual” rather than abnormal…Yeah the book was scary, and it made us cry – which we needed to do.Take care*safe hugs*Sophie 🙂

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