Can't sleep ***Triggering***

Mind has been going crazy and on overdrive…

For some reason tonight all we can do is recount some instances of abuse over and over. It’s not a flashback, but just this loop of what happened, why it happened and how it was coped with. Just plain craziness!

The memories end up being little mind flicks, like lots of little scars being created on our consciousness. Even then it’s still very much like they happened to some other poor little wee girl… One I’d like to protect… But still not associated with this body…

Who would want to own that history anyways? Who would want to have been used and treated as a toy since the age of about 3? To know that the father sat and watched and smiled as some of it was happening? To know that teachers were told and they did nothing? To know that this body soon gave up on asking people for help, because people just didn’t bother to help?

We soon learnt that we could only rely on ourselves, no one was going to save us but us…
But how does a 5 year old save themselves???
How does an 8 year old save themselves???

I wish it would make us cry to know that this was the reality of our life, but it doesn’t. We still hear the words from the men… “You enjoyed it…” “You’re an evil little thing and made me do this…” “You’ll go to jail or the mental hospital if you tell…”

But to be honest we were beyond the point of telling anyone by the time those threats came along… If a teacher wasn’t prepared to help us when boys were playing with us in their classroom under their nose, why in the world would we expect anyone to help us?

Since the mother has found out about the abuse, she has asked why we didn’t tell her. lol… she wasn’t interested in us… We were the “mistake at the end” “the inconvenience” “loud and ugly”… She doesn’t remember saying those words to us, but they were said to us or around us several times. So why would we talk to someone who hated us? We end up being in a position where we’re now trying to comfort her by saying that it was all our fault and we were conditioned not to say anything.

I HATE all of this at times… this is one of those times…
We’ve taken for going for drives when things get this bad, but tonight we know we’re not safe to drive. We might endanger someone else. lol… ok if we hurt us, but can’t hurt anyone else…


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