Ideation & Distraction ***Triggering***

At what point are you allowed to give up?
When are you allowed to say “that’s it, they’ve won”?
What do you do when you’re ready to say that?
Why do people put so much value on life?

Our psychologist wants us to go to the psyc ward to keep the body safe.
I don’t know if we can.
Hospitals destroy us.
They rip your soul apart and empty you all fight.
If you show any emotion you’re considered dangerous and unstable – even if the emotion is justified.

We just want to world to stop and let us get off.
We know this is because of the ACC, Police, husband, wedding anniversary etc.
But isn’t that enough?
We aren’t making any of it up – I really wish we were.

We can’t cope with all of this and keep on pretending everything is fine.
We cried at work when we found out that the husband had lied his way out of trouble for breaching the Protection Order.
We can’t sleep.
We can’t stand silence.
We have to have our back to the wall or else we imagine him coming up behind us.
We can’t sleep in the bed as that is where he hurt us soooo much.

WE CAN’T COPE!!!!
WE GIVE UP!!!!

We don’t care if it looks like we’re letting those that abuse us win – they have!
They have destroyed us.
Our soul is destroyed.
Our mind is in tatters.

Ultimate irony is that we try so hard to give other people hope cos we always think they are worth so much.
They are strong enough to get through this and get back onto the healing journey.
We can’t get that about ourselves.
We’re sick of the healing journey that is slowly destroying us.
We’re useless evil scum that deserved everything that happened.

Just wish we could step aside and let the suicidal ones take over.
But there is still some form of preservation.
But its more concern about who will take care of our cat.

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3 thoughts on “Ideation & Distraction ***Triggering***

  1. I’m sorry that you’re struggling. I’m always here if you need to talk. I know its hard when you’re feeling so bad, but there are tiny little parts that make life worth living. Look out for those parts and hold onto them.Suicidal ideation doesn’t mean you want to die, it means you don’t want to live your life as it is right now. But life is always changing. You are always growing and evolving, and right around the corner could be new friendships, new life and new reasons for living. We only get one chance in this world, it would be a shame to step out before the end of the show. I certainly would like to see the ending and i hope you will too.You have a week off now, right? Make sure you make that trip to the beach and dip your toes into the water. Its spring, the season of new beginnings. Remember to take in the scenery around you, this time of year is beautiful. And remember that i’m right here if you need someone.Take care x

  2. Thank you Amy. We’re probably going to be sectioned again. Waiting for the crisis team to come and do an assessment. We thought next weekend was going to be bad, so weren’t prepared for this. Take care.

  3. Am so glad I discovered your blog today. The feelings you describe in this post go with us all. It’s an agonizing place to be. Yet, in the end, “we have to live” for one reason. It’s usually the preservation of another life. Your cat is lucky to have you!

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