Today is what would have been the 5th wedding anniversary.
Today is one year since our previous therapist sectioned us because of a misunderstanding about the amount of medication we had taken – she thought it was an overdose and it wasn’t.
Last night we did something that we regret and has hurt us and a good friend.
Today we’re trying to pretend it won’t influence our friendship, but it will.
Today we can’t stand anything. Can’t stand noise. Can’t stand silence. Can’t stand the sound of the mother breathing. Can’t stand the anger that we can feel coming from within. Can’t stand the memories that are playing over and over as a movie reel in the head.
Can’t stand being a victim anymore. The pain hurts too much. We want to escape. We want to bring the people that hurt us to justice. We are just going around in circles banging ourselves as we circle. We will never be able to bring the abusers to justice. Some have now died. Some are already in prison for hurting other girls. The others we just don’t have the strength to fight.
We feel so defeated and pathetic. Hate this feeling more than any other. At least when we’re fighting we have a purpose and a hope. Now we feel nothing. Just the need to run. Run to where? We don’t care, we just need to run. To escape. To eliminate the need to have to deal with this all again tomorrow.
We’ve gone beyond battle weary.
So shouldn’t have done anything last night.
Anything that feels good at the time always feels dirty afterwards.