We’re always stunned at what a difference being at work does for us. We’ve always hidden and in order to hide at work, we have to appear “normal” or usual – that is minimal switching and no switching to negative states in front of others. So yesterday we returned to work and it was like there was an immediate stepping back of all the chaos.
The ideation is still there, but that’s not unusual. Most states get that to certain degrees – for some of the young ones it’s a need to runaway, for the older ones it’s a need to escape. Weird thing is that we don’t meet the criteria for clinical depression, so we always confuses the crisis lines and the psychiatrists. They don’t get that someone can want to escape without meeting all the other criteria for depression.
So we’re back at work being our usual selves. Switching in order to fulfil our job requirements – Management is great with the business side of things, Sophie does the social side, W does the heavy maths and logic etc. But this is what we do. This is why we can usually work and be considered high achievers. This is why we can come to work and keep going despite being sectioned over the weekend or getting no sleep the night before.
We know many people who aren’t able to maintain this level of apparent functioning, so we consider ourselves lucky. Therapists have considered that our working like this is our ultimate distraction from having to face our issues, and they’re probably right. But there is only so much we can cope with in any one week. Speaking only for us, we need that distraction of work. It is tied to so many of our mixed up messages that we got growing up, and also to our ideas of needing to be independent and not being able to rely on anyone but ourselves and the system.
We admire those that are healing as a full-time job. It is something that we don’t have the strength to do. We can’t even agree on some of the abuse that took place, let alone have to deal with it!
So today is a good day… Things are back to the normal level of oddness.
We’re also doing a photography course. Our clinical psychologist gave us an ultimatum that we had to either get out, or go do volunteer work for the elderly. Considering that with our luck we’d get to know the nice lady and she’d pass away; we decided for the more impersonal photography course. We were thinking of doing one anyways, so it was just a good poke to get us moving. Sometimes we need to be prodded 🙂
Also seems like we haven’t totally blown the friendship we thought we’d successfully destroyed the other night. Things are back to tentative contact… 🙂 We really shouldn’t be allowed out when we’re so switchy and all over the place!