Why can't we just go back?

For some reason this weekend has been a rough one. Wondering if its because we had Friday off to make up some professional development time? Not sure. But we’re now sitting in front of the computer wondering how we can go back to being “normal” or probably more accurately “usual”?

Our coping skills went out the window over the weekend and we ended up getting drunk on Friday and self injuring on Saturday. Haven’t done either in months. We couldn’t call the crisis lines, not sure why, possibly because the fear of either being taken to hospital or just getting bad service. We texted our clinical psychologist and she wanted us to go into respite for the weekend… That’s the equivalent of getting us sectioned as the angry ones come forward thinking they have to protect us within the hospital environment, so lash out angrily – never physical harm to others, but lots of verbal anger and self-injury. Even then they never swear at anyone that I’m aware of.

So how do you get normal back? How do you go back to even the level of dissociation we had before the car accident? We functioned so well… Ok so some of it wasn’t healthy, but we were so “with it”. We could cope with anything… People used to say that in the marriage we were the strong ones, always coping and moving along. Some of the women at work said that they pitied the ex-husband because we were so bossy – little did they know he abused us on every level as soon as their backs were turned.

We kinda like how we coped back then. We now realise much of it was we had coping mechanisms in place that we weren’t aware of – never go shopping when it was busy, always choose the checkout person at the end so no one was behind us etc. But now its a fight to leave the house if it doesn’t involve going to work! We can’t do basic things most NZers do like hang out the washing on the line. We have to build up strength and prepare for a week just to mow the lawns.

We haven’t seen our clinical psychologist for an appointment in a month. It’s now really starting to show. We’re falling apart at the seams. The need to escape is so high and we can’t do our usual thing of going for a drive to the lake – that would involve going over a bridge. We wish we could self-soothe in some way, but we can’t. Mind you while we’ve been sitting at the computer for most of the day we’ve been rocking… Thing is some of us hate the rocking, thinking its such a baby thing to do, so the ones that rock get told off and are told to grow up.

What’s really worrying, is that when we’re like this we’re at the most vulnerable for the ones who need to feel needed through satisfying men to come forward. Thank goodness the ex-husband is gone or we’d be using him for self-punishment now.

Wishing that we could just eliminate the last three years of our life and go back to how it was. We know we can’t. We know there are positives about healing, just some weeks make it seem so difficult and not worth the journey.

We’ve got an appointment to see the clinical psychologist on Friday, hopefully we can make it to then without breaking…

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