So we hadn’t heard from the guy in America for awhile. We’d got used to that. Ok so we had got a bit defensive about the whole thing and eliminated all the emails etc, but nothing too extreme considering the week we’ve had. Then we get an email from him and we’re back to the confusion again! We know we need friends, and have thankfully found a couple of really nice people through places like YouTube. But with him being a guy, it gets confused with the need to please men.
We enjoy hearing his voice and talking to him… Just having someone to talk to who knows what its like to go through the day switching makes us feel a whole lot more normal. So we do get something out of the friendship. But he’s male! He’s funny and intelligent and sweet – it’s dangerous! Wish we had the strength to not contact him, but we don’t. We could intellectualise it away by saying that we need to test our ability to break the patterns of pleasing men and he’s a good test subject 🙂 But somehow I don’t think that’s a good argument. Would make it feel like we’re using him, and we don’t want to do that. We’re just worried about what will happen when we all get hurt – and we know that there will be hurting, just because there is a level of caring involved in being a friend. It just feels more dangerous within that friendship because he is a male.
This entry probably indicates more than anything how messed up our relationships with men really are.