Today we went to therapy for the first time in a month. It was hard walking in the door considering all that had happened. Not sure if it was the subject matter of the session, or the amount of dissociation that happened, but it felt like a really long session…
She started off with trying to find ways in which to give us more support. Getting other organisations involved in our care. Sort of made us feel like we were being too difficult and a hopeless case again! We know that we need other avenues of help – a therapist can’t be available 24/7. Also our Mental Health Crisis lines are useless, so the usual ways of getting that assistance aren’t available. So while we’re anxious about having to get to know more people and more people knowing about our craziness, we know it makes sense.
Then came the bomb shell. She thinks our internal house is rather crowded – we know of about 25 alters, not all of whom are active. We don’t need that many, why don’t we ask someone to leave?
She suggested it like it was nothing. Sort of like putting out the old chair you’ve had for ages that is kind of comforting, but isn’t really used anymore. She asked whose role within the system is no longer needed, their function no longer required. They would be the ones to be asked to leave.
How do you ask someone to leave?
How do you know their role is no longer required?
What if we ask the wrong part to leave?
She asked if we wanted to change… Of course we said “Yes”… Of course we want to change! We can’t keep on going like we are – we got drunk last week for the first time in about a year. We were tempted to go buy some more after this session with her 😦 We can’t go back to the alcohol.
But how do we chose who should go? What if they hold some memory or something that we’re not aware of that is vital for our healing or functioning?
It’s tempting to ask a part like Frank to leave. He’s angry, he’s nasty and he abuses other parts of the system. But he also protects us from some of the angrier states. He enforces the safety plans.
Just a mess…
Once we decide who should go, how do we ask them to leave? What happens? We could just fake the whole leaving thing, but we can’t do that.
Craziness piled on top of craziness…