In a week’s time it is the birthday of the ex-husband.
Really wishing that fact didn’t matter…
Wishing that day isn’t already causing fear and anxiety…
Wishing we hadn’t been so organised and programmed the birthday into our cellphone so that it would send a reminder a week ahead of the date…
None of those wishes are going to happen this year.
This is what the previous birthdays have generally involved…
This will trigger
- Getting him breakfast.
- Morning sex – hopefully not a rape
- Hopefully us going to work – he usually took the day off and spent it playing with his car and watching online pornography.
- Going out to dinner and him having a few drinks.
- Hopefully he had finished watching the pornography, but sometimes he hired some videos so had to watch that and then have VERY rough sex.
- We would get up afterwards and try to recover by playing games online and try to calm the internal chaos or to fill the void created by an internal silence.
The pattern changed a little over the years with him sometimes demanding we had the day off as well and “go somewhere”. We always hoped that it would be to go over to Mt Mauganui, but sometimes it wasn’t.
Avoiding him was impossible. Our only way of coping was to dissociate into a young state who was used to the roughness and encouraged it in order for the whole experience to be over sooner.
Just shaking so much and wishing that these anniversaries would be over… We’d forgotten about his birthday until our clinical psychologist asked if there were any more coming up. Someone remembered. How can we not know what day, month or year it is but know that an anniversary is coming?