Yes, today is his birthday. He is 37 today.
I wish we felt something about him – love, hate, pity, ANYTHING!
Today we’re very depersonalised and having periods of derealisation as well.
Today we’re not really part of anything.
We had a good start to the day by deciding that we couldn’t face work and talked to someone while we played cards online instead. Anything to distract.
Had to take some Clonazepam, but that wasn’t unexpected.
But the worst is yet to come… It will be tonight that we’ll get the nightmares. There have already been flashbacks and just imagined glimpses of him out the side of our vision. The silence inside is disturbing at the moment. Usually there’s some form of chatter or noise internally, and it provides some level of comfort. When things are like this, there’s either the two extremes of overwhelming silence or noise.
Trying to keep us focused in the moment. In some respects we should have gone into work today, but someone was leaving so there would have been lots of people and interaction which we couldn’t have coped with. But we’re really going to miss the person leaving, she’s an amazing person.
One of the other people we can chat with at work is over in Aussie on holiday… I don’t know if she meant to do it on purpose or not, but she sent us an email just telling us rubbishy stuff they’re doing – just the sort of thing we do for each other to distract each other from the bigger stuff and to keep it all normal. We provide the distraction to help her cope with her husband who’s got terminal cancer and she just helps us by making sure we laugh at least once before 9am each morning. We told her last week that it was the ex’s birthday today… don’t know if that’s why she sent the email or not, but it helped SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We know people care… we know we can get through this day… we know we don’t have to go and self injure through sex, alcohol or cutting… But that one email made Sophie cry and that helped us all…
Small acts of kindness do mean so much…
Thank you to those of you who read and comment on our blog… We never meant it to be read by other people. It’s purpose is to try and communicate what is happening for us. We’re not experts, we’re not special, we’re not advocates or good examples of what it is like to live with the after effects of trauma… We’re just us… With all our craziness, stupidity, confusion and when we’re really lucky, humour as well.