Glee in all the wrong places ***Triggering***

Hmmm going to have to stop writing triggering entries… This might trigger, I don’t know.

Last night was a BAD night. The need to escape was overpowering. We managed to get it down to a level of needing to run with some quick action by Management. So we got in the car and drove. We know we shouldn’t of, but it’s the only way to fulfill that need to run… to escape…

We drove well while in town – there is still the desire not to hurt anyone else. But as soon as we hit the open road it was all on. It was pitch black. There were few other cars on the road and the road had many bends. We don’t know who drove, but we became aware of things again when we reached Cambridge. Just sat on the side of the road shaking. Trying to find some way of grounding us into the present. We pulled into a service station and brought some cold drink to try and snap us back to reality.

Our next moment of awareness is behind the wheel driving at 140 kph straight at a retaining wall at a corner in the road. There was a fleeting feeling of glee as which ever part left and we came back. I think the only thing that forced the switch back was that there were cars coming in the other direction around the corner. If we’d kept going any longer we would’ve hit those cars and killed the drivers at least. We ran off the road as we swerved to miss the cars. But no one got hurt.

We managed to get home. Don’t ask me how, I don’t remember. I know there was panic. I know we called for help – before, during and after getting into the car. I know we could’ve hurt someone. I know we’re going to have to face what is causing us to want to run very soon.

We’re back to the derealisation, the depersonalisation. As soon as we stop talking to anyone, we’re back into the internal world. We’re not coping… We’re angry that we’re not coping…

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3 thoughts on “Glee in all the wrong places ***Triggering***

  1. CastorgirlVery scary – thank god you are okay. Oh, I identify completely with the uncontrollable need to run – I’ve been dealing with that my whole life and can’t totally control that fight-or-flight response. I have two comments…driving straight at the wall and swerving at the end. Some small protective part of you. Ask who that part is – that part probably saved you. I ask because I have one also who has stopped me from driving into oncoming traffic. I/we will exhibit the same completely out of control feelings and start to be stupid, but somehow at the last minute it is prevented. Some littl part grabs control. Often I am aware of it happening and am relieved. It may be that you are just not aware that that has happened. Try to find that part of you and give it a stronger voice. Hard I know.As to the other – you mentioned you called for help. On the phone? Out loud? What happened – did no one respond? We all need someone we can call on any time for any reason without reservation. A list of people perhaps so SOMEONE is there. Hey – I am not a therapist, but these are just my experiences and how they have managed to save me. I am very glad that you are home safe – please take this experience to your therapist and tell the story. Ask how you could have grounded yourself earlier. (((hugs)))Cami/EmilyI am including a post I wrote a while back when I was struggling much more with this (still am). It is about reaching out under the context of suicide so don’t get put off by that. It was about how we reach out to others. Hope it might be helpful in any way. http://emilyfirstgirl.wordpress.com/2008/05/01/alas-babylon-the-other-language-of-suicide/My best,Cami/Emily

  2. Hi Cami/Emily,Yes we asked for help from our therapist and the local crisis lines. Our therapist has a policy of only talking to Management; unfortunately Management got overwhelmed. Our crisis lines here are useless. Our doctor has also said this about the crisis lines, so we know it’s not just us over-reacting!Yes, there is a part who yells or screams or is able to take some form of control and stop serious harm. In some areas they can’t, but thankfully while driving they could. I think it was purely because of the cars coming the other way. There seems to be an underlying value throughout the system that we can’t knowingly hurt someone else.We’re seeing our therapist today. Hoping she won’t section us under the Mental Health Act – it’s always our greatest fear as we hate hospitals. We’ve struggled with suicidal ideation and intent for most of this life. Our first attempt at trying to express struggle was through YouTube but we know that the first verbal attempt to gain help for it was during the teen years.Thanks for the link your entry – you can never have too many coping skills and ways to express the need for help.Thank youSophie & Others.

  3. I just watched the video. Cry. Wow. What a wonderful job. Very very good. I really like at the end that you went back to the innocence – showing that inside there is still that little child. My little child just reached out. I will save this video – even though it is painful, it reminds us that we have emotions that run all the way from beautiful innocence all the way to overwhelming pain. But that pure innocence trumps everything. We might be able to kill the parts of us who hurt so much just to escape it, but can we really kill the little sweet innocent child inside of us too?

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