It hasn’t been a good week. We’ve been doing all sorts of negative things and not getting enough sleep. In amongst all of this we’ve been lashing out at the people around us who care. We can see ourselves doing it, but it feels beyond our control to stop it.
At work we’ve apparently been grumpy and short tempered with some people – actually the ones we’ve been short tempered with are the ones who suck all the positive energy from those around them. So it’s not everyone we’ve been grumpy with. I have a feeling that this is the emergence of the ones from the 1st floor within our internal house going into a protective mode as we move closer to the anniversary. They have a tendency to protect those around us that we think need protection – namely our friend who has the brother and husband with cancer.
Kriss however, has been a different story. The guy says he loves us. He keeps on being there. We’re trying very hard to act as if nothing is wrong, but we’re going crazy on the inside. We don’t know how to tell him that we’re hurting.
This became evident over the weekend. Kriss usually talks to B, but with the anniversary coming up Sophie is more present. Sophie is emotional and a teenager. She doesn’t know how to ask for help when things are bad, so tries to act as if everything is alright and cheery. Kriss knows us well enough to see that something is up and asks what’s going on. We’ve always associated asking for help as being needy and unable to cope with life. So we end up saying that everything is fine. This goes in a vicious circle with us wanting to reach out for help – Kriss asking us what’s wrong – us eventually saying or doing something that drives Kriss away.
This pattern happened twice over the weekend until yesterday morning when I finally had the courage to say – “we really need someone on our side”. Those simple words took so much courage and energy to say… Not only did it show that we were vulnerable, but it showed that we might need someone else. We were expecting Kriss to reject us for being so needy and such hard work, but his response was a simple “why didn’t you say so earlier?”
Dissociation is such hard work. It’s hard living as a dissociative and it’s difficult to be around someone who is dissociative. At times I hate this coping mechanism, at other times I wonder at the brains ability to adapt to the unbearable.
The ex-husband once said that our dissociation was breaking him in half and we were the reason he had made a suicide attempt. Pretty hard to argue with that. We’re expecting Kriss to get tired of coping with us soon as well. We know the best remedy for this is to get a good therapist who can help us move forward.
In the meantime we had a totally pointless conversation with Kriss yesterday night about him being technically challenged and trying to find ways to fix his computer. It was totally pointless and yet so meaningful. He sat with us and made us laugh. We showed that we needed help and he didn’t reject us as weak and pitiful. He struggles to understand our thinking sometimes, just as we struggle to understand his.
It’s very odd to talk to someone for any length of time who doesn’t play games.