Not coping – and really annoyed about it!

It’s official, we’re not coping!

We engaged in self-injury for the first time in months over the weekend.  It’s never serious, it’s never in a place that others can see it, but it’s an indication that things are spiraling out of control again. Part of the reason is the pressure that is bearing down us – people contacting us through YouTube, people at work, start of the semester…

We coped well during the week of the anniversary by being in a very dissociated, protective state.  It’s only now that those ones are stepping back that we’re getting the backlash.  Weird responses such as sitting at the computer talking to Kriss through IM and suddenly getting the sweaty smell of the ex-husband all around us.  We’re feeling very much like a caged animal that is being poked at by sticks.  The need to lash out is incredible – but who would we lash out against?  We’d never knowingly hurt anyone else and would not put their safety at risk – if only we regarded our own body worthy of this respect.

Another indication that we’re struggling is that some of us are at peace and content.  Quite often when we’re going into a downward spiral the difference between those who are at peace and sad or angry becomes greater.  Not quite sure why this is, but it has happened consistently.  It is at these times that the soothing messages about suicide being the ideal option become stronger.  These messages are always harder to ignore when they are soothing…

The final straw came in two forms yesterday:

1) Someone on YouTube sending us a message about forgiving our abusers and accepting God into our hearts.  We respect everyones right to exercise their religious freedom, as long as it doesn’t negatively impact on anyone else.  But why would someone do such a random message?  The person talked about letting go of the anger towards our abusers.  We don’t hate them, we don’t feel anything but confusion and self-blame about it all.

2) At work there is a vacancy for a position that will be working closely with us and is two grades lower, meaning less responsibility.  We found out yesterday that the library manager was going to offer the position to the person at a pay level $5000 above our current salary.  So we would basically be supervising someone who is earning more than us.

One moment at a time…

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6 thoughts on “Not coping – and really annoyed about it!

  1. Hi, sweetheart —

    You’ve been on my mind. A couple of thoughts:

    1) Is it possible to change your YouTube material so that people cannot comment or contact you? I realize that would close the channel for someone who might benefit from interacting with you, but I think your own self-protection needs to be your highest priority.

    2) This is a very weird suggestion, perhaps, but … would you feel any relief from cutting up or burning words or images that express your pain, rather than turning that need to lash out back onto your own body? I also used to self-injure, and in ways much like you … where nobody could see; it wasn’t a cry for help, it was a desperate release measure. I was surprised to find, once, that I achieved a similar catharsis by cutting out and destroying pictures of people who had tormented me in school … for some unknown reason, I’d kept my yearbook. It seemed to channel that negative energy more appropriately, in some sense.

  2. Thank you David, this was like getting a big safe hug…

    We’re going to see what we can do with YouTube. We don’t want to take all of clips down as many of the comments seems to indicate that they have helped other people feel less isolated in their experiences. But many other people put up clips about the same issues we address, so it wouldn’t be a great loss to put them on private for awhile.

    We’ll try the suggestion about cutting up images – I’m not sure if we can as we have rather large issues about making a mess 🙂 But we’ll give it a try tonight when we get home from work. We’ve been doing collages on Polyvore for a similar reason, but it’s not working for all of us.

    Part of the problem is that Sophie has been stepping back lately due to being overwhelmed by everything. Sophie is great at giving us all little glimmers of hope – she’s been known to write positive messages on our arm to ensure we all see it…

    Take care
    B.

  3. hi – it’s us. we have not been here for a while – to your site. why don’t you apply for the more expensive job with less work. that would be good. and how silly is the idea anyway that the pay is more for less !! apply apply apply i say.

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