It doesn’t take much to tear away the mask of a grown woman to see the scared little girl within. Just a casual comment, a smell or a look can be all it takes. The librarian turns around and sees a terrified girl sitting on the floor in the corner with her arms wrapped around her knees rocking gently in an attempt to self soothe. This little girl is 7 with long blonde hair and wears a yellow checked nightie which has lots of pink flowers on it. There’s lace around the neckline.
Whenever someone gives us any little compliment that little girl shrinks back further into her corner. She waits for the pain that follows the compliment – a pattern she experienced often. She’s stuck in the 1970’s and doesn’t realise that we no longer have contact with most of the people that hurt us.
We’re just your average, screwed-up survivor of abuse. We’re luckier than many and we’re grateful for that. But in the blink of an eye we’re that scared little girl huddled in the corner.
It takes us longer to understand many things. Not because we necessarily lack intelligence, but because we often have to be told things several times before we believe them. Some things we are told we will never believe, they go too much against core beliefs. We will always consider that we are worthless. We will always think that the next time Kriss talks to us, he will finally realise how pathetic and stupid we truly are.
We don’t say these things to try and get someone to comment that we are worthy… we’ve had people tell us that we are worthy and we still don’t believe it. I don’t think we ever will.