Go home?

Today we went and saw the new therapist for our fourth session.  It didn’t go well.  The need to self injure and the level of suicidal ideation has been increasing steadily for the last few weeks.  Because we’re switching so rapidly when even mildly stressed, we were all over the place in the session.  The only techniques she had to try and keep us present or in the room was to get us to describe three things we could see, hear or feel.  At the best of times we have very little body sensation, so asking us to describe a tactile feeling is difficult – when she asked us to describe the feeling of our jeans under our palms we answered that it was rough, because we know denim should feel rough.  Regarding things we hear, well we’re hearing impaired so we could only hear the rain.  Visually we usually look at a spot on the floor which allows us to see a majority of the floor space, that way we can monitor anyone approaching us from our peripheral vision. But today because of the anxiety and need to protect, our vision narrowed and we could only see small patches straight in front of us.  When she asked us to look up at a fan, we couldn’t do it until our fifth attempt and a switch to someone who could look around.

After the session we went to work.  When going to get a hot drink we realised that we really need some help to ensure our safety.  We’re thinking of going for a visit to our home town for a week.  Not sure if it would help or trigger us further.  Not sure if we can even do it, as we would have to find someone to look after our cat.  Just know that things are getting a little out of control.  It’s not too bad, but we’re doing stupid things – writing a comment on Discussing Dissociation and not putting our point across clearly so it was misunderstood, not being able to think through things logically at work, finding sets we’ve done on Polyvore that have suicidal themes…

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10 thoughts on “Go home?

  1. Hi,
    is your hometown really a safe place? If you are in any doubt, then maybe you could better visit a girlfriend (instead going hometown)?

    Please, take good care ((()))

  2. Hi Kendra,
    We’re not sure what we’ll do. Going home for a week seemed a like a good idea while at work, but I just don’t know what the impact will be. Generally speaking the family that is still in our home town is safe in that they will assist in keeping us safe from physical injury.
    This is going to sound very pathetic, but we don’t have any friends that we could visit. We don’t make friends easily because we don’t trust people.
    We might just take a couple of days off work and go for a car trip, or curl up on the couch and watch mindless movies. Not sure, this post was mainly about us trying to work out what some of the options are and try to find out why we’ve been going downhill again.
    We’re not in any immediate danger and there is still rational thought happening, so we need to get a plan together in case that rational thinking gets overwhelmed by the craziness.
    Thank you
    Take care and (((warm safe hugs))) from us 🙂

  3. Sitting besides you is the only thing we can do to help you do the sorting out of your options. We are sorry that we aren’t helpful in any other way to you.

  4. Wishing I lived closer!

    I think it’s a very positive sign that you’re still able to self-observe and plan self-protective action. I hope you can keep safe through this hard time, and that you will know when you need to go back home, if that is the right thing to do.

    Thinking of you,
    David et al

  5. Thank you David et al.
    We’re at the point where we know we’re heading for danger. We’re looking for ways to break that downward spiral.
    We talked to the mother last night, and she helped us realise that going home isn’t an option. It’s looking more like going for a road trip – we can’t do respite care as it’s too triggering for us.
    We’re going to see about putting our cat into a boarding place and just taking off for week. We’ve already organised with Kriss that we will text him daily to check in with him.
    There is the knowledge that we’ve been here before and got through it. So we can do it this time too.
    Thank you for caring 🙂
    Take care…

  6. its taken us years to stop dissociating enough to feel, but recently we learnt to concentrate on one thing well ratehr than three things badly, Maybe using a pet rock or something similar to cosntantly feel might be a good idea to start with.

  7. Hi jumping in puddles,
    We have a soft toy on our keyring that we often play with as a grounding technique. You’re right, it’s better to concentrate on doing one thing well.
    Take care…

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