Dangerous territory…

Today we had a very interesting therapy session.  It slipped into the more familiar (and potentially dangerous) territory of playing with words.  Liz (codename for new therapist), is still trying to understand what we mean when we say certain words.  This sort of thing appeals to some of us who are familiar with verbal fencing.  We’re not word-smiths by any means, but our mind can do the mental agility needed for a debate.  This is potentially dangerous, in that it allows us to test Liz’ ability to keep up.  Our previous therapist (Carol) couldn’t keep up, and many of us weren’t able to respect her on an intellectual level because of this – which is pretty ripe considering we’re not a genius by any stretch of the imagination, but anyway…  Today Liz handled it well, she was able to spar back and gently questioned the beliefs behind some of the statements made.

What is interesting is that she’s now starting to realise that we don’t have a support network.  Our American friend was told over the weekend that his wife wants a divorce – naming his dissociative disorder as the main reason.  They were married and had the children before the dissociation became obvious and she has never really understood it – thank you to the partners of dissociatives who do make an effort to learn and understand.  Because of this news and the implications, he became suicidal.  We spent most of yesterday on the phone with him trying to convince him to give it a month before he makes any decisions.  I was pretty sure that we’d failed in convincing him and that we were never going to hear from him again.  He lives in Texas where the gun laws are pretty lenient – you just need to be an adult and have money, no waiting period or anything (what’s with that????).  Thankfully he didn’t have enough money for a gun.  He’s now planning to go to work tomorrow, so the immediate danger is over.  I know it’s just delayed, but he’s safe for now.

Anyway, my point about the support network…  We told her about being on the phone with him to talk him through it and she knew that we’d also been going through a bad patch of thinking, so asked who we talked to about it.  When we talked about people overseas being closer to us than anyone here, I think it finally sunk in that we have no one.

We’ve been struggling for the last two days to not take down all the posts that refer to the suicidal thinking, which we now see as babyish attention seeking.  But as a contrast, we’d be happy to talk to anyone we consider to be our friends if they were struggling with suicidal ideation or self-injury.  Our American friend wanted us to ramble to him today, just so he could be soothed by Sophie’s voice.  We did it for as long as possible, but Sophie isn’t very good at rambling 🙂

The other testing we did with Liz today was ask her why she considered us to be DID.  She had mentioned something about our dissociation prior to our asking, so it wasn’t out of the blue.  But it made some of us curious and more than a little guarded – in some respects Liz is a greater threat to our system in that she has other DID clients.  What if she looks at us and says we do or don’t have DID?  Which would be worse?  Previous to Liz, the therapists have been well meaning and skilled, but not in the dissociative disorders.  So Liz poses a threat to some – what if she spots the switching?  What if she SEES us?  We can feel the tug of war happening already – some want to move forward and heal, some want to stay hidden so no one can hurt us again.  What is slightly amusing is that W was the main questioner regarding why Liz thought we were DID, and is also one of the ones who wants to stay hidden…

W is so brave and tough, but she had to be…


2 thoughts on “Dangerous territory…

  1. Sounds like you’re doing amazingly well! Have you tried asking Liz what she thinks about you having DID? I’m working with a DID therapist and there was something reassuring about asking outright and being told yes. Scary, but reassuring that she is someone who can deal with it unlike the stream of previous therapists.

    I hope you are looking after yourself. Please be safe.


  2. Hi B

    We did ask Liz why she thought we were DID. She said that because we came to her with a dissociative disorder diagnosis, it was listed in our ACC records and some of the things we had said meant that she believed we were DID. W pointed out that we could just be a really good actress and a really good liar… Liz mentioned that she’d noticed the switching. That shut W up fairly quickly 🙂 We know we’re heading into another cycle of denial – which also happened when we started to see Bob. It’s very much a combination of hiding and not wanting to be seen…

    Liz is the fourth therapist in 5 years, but we saw Carol for 3.5 years. It’s more the steady stream of assessments that have been the problem… Another ACC client I know has a username “assessedtodeath”. It will be interesting as my case manager at ACC has changed again, which usually means another assessment or they will attempt to stop our coverage.

    Take care…

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