We’ve never felt like we’ve fitted in anywhere. Whether it be due to physical, psychological or social causes, we’ve always felt that we were different to those around us and didn’t really belong. We try very hard to fit in and have acted like a chameleon for most of this life – doing whatever is needed in order to not stand out and fly below the radar; but have never really succeeded. At times we’ve been accused of being “stuck-up”, “a bitch” or snobby as we make dissociative switches to ones who are involved in protecting the system from harm. To us it feels like we’ve retreated behind another wall of protection, but we now realise that this is viewed as putting up a veil of superiority. Our language becomes more formal and disjointed when we do this, and we know this has had a negative affect on those around us. We can look at it and see the tough 8 year old who is trying so hard not to be scared and to act like a grown-up, to others it can seem like we’re being condescending. When it becomes particularly bad, we can see evidence of Carrie and One in the language – things have gone downhill rapidly when these two are around protecting us.
Growing up, we were always the tallest girl in the class and tried to be perfect at school. These two factors made us stick out before we even opened our mouth. We tried to speak as little as possible in an attempt to be invisible. We were often bullied because some children instinctively know who to pick on – who won’t fight back, speak up and is already a victim. We were often targeted for special attention by the teachers – usually for “privileges” such as taking the special needs girl in our class for art supplies while the teacher tells the rest of the class not to tease her. These privileges rarely felt like a privilege as they often caused us to be seen, and therefore bullied by the other children. Despite this, we loved school. It was a relatively safe escape. We did well at school, but have never considered ourselves to be intelligent – if we can do it, anyone can. We have a masters degree, but it wasn’t a real one – how hard are library studies after all??
We know we have a massive inferiority complex and we could sell insecurities we have so many of them. But we struggle to find a place that feels comfortable. Any little slight from anyone and we’re a mess. A group of survivors who are high functioning and verbal – too scary as we feel we’re not intelligent enough to contribute there. A group of survivors who are struggling – we never say the right things, or we don’t understand the depths that they are going through, so we’re best to not say anything for fear of stuffing it up and causing hurt.
We’re writing this purely to try and explain some of our actions lately and to try and work them through. Nothing more, nothing less.
What’s been interesting looking at our writing over the last few months, is that our basic grammar and use of punctuation changes depending on who is present. We’d never spotted that before, it’s kinda weird.