Ever been thinking along harmless, innocent lines of thought only to be flattened by a new understanding or trigger? We’ve just been reading Paul’s entry about dreaming and his question to David regarding his statement “I don’t think that’s what the dream is about at all. I rarely think that people in dreams actually represent themselves; they’re more likely, I think, to be aspects of the dreamer.” We were thinking this statement over within our context in a very detached and subjective way. To us, this statement means that you sometimes don’t want to face your own shortcomings, fears, personality flaws etc., so will project those characteristics onto another person within your dream – the person chosen may already have similar characteristics to create further barriers between yourself and the part of you that makes you feel uncomfortable, but it’s a self-protection strategy. We were happily going off into a fairly well reasoned argument with ourselves about this when a little voice says “that’s why we created Frank, cos it couldn’t be Daddy doing that to us, so it had to be someone else, so we made up Frank”. A conversation stopper if ever there was one.
As an explanation, Frank in an alter who is male and in his mid-late 30’s. He is angry and abusive within the system – usually victimising S. He’s rarely near the front, but when he is, it is usually as a very heavy form of protection. I know that doesn’t make sense, but when Ellie and the other ones on the 2nd floor have to take control, Frank helps Ellie to ensure that safety is maintained.
We’ve actively worked against the idea that we were sexually abused by the father. Some of the reasoning for this is sound, in that there are no memories of him sexually abusing us – we agree that there was a degree of psychological abuse, but not sexual. Some of the reasoning is a little more shaky – it’s a cliché, he didn’t have the opportunity, it makes no sense and IT JUST DIDN’T HAPPEN OK!
There you have it, a long held argument as to why the father didn’t sexually abuse us. Then little annoying facts are mentioned – what about after Nan died? What about when the mother used to go sleep in the lounge because she didn’t want to be near him? What about the night the ear drum burst? How did we get to those parties if he didn’t take us? What about all the late nights at the club?
The games the mind can play… Two totally opposing truths sit within the one brain. The very first therapist we saw asked us about sexual abuse, we immediately said “No”. We’ve always had memories of some sexual abuse, but we didn’t want to look at it. Part of this was because we thought that what occurred to us was normal. If it wasn’t normal, then it must have been because we were such an evil little girl. Who wants to talk about being so evil that people were forced to use you? Management sure didn’t. She was protecting Katie, W and SO. No one messes with those three again without stepping over her dead and beaten body. It was a double edged sword, M knew we needed help but knew that the help would hurt us further. So she used the therapy as a form of wake-up call – repress all those feelings again or else we’ll be forced to look at things we don’t want to. It worked, we didn’t need therapy for another 10 years.
Now we’ve been in therapy for about 5 years. Once a week we go and sit through an hour of torture. At times we regret the journey to healing that we’ve begun. At times it feels as if it would be so much easier to end it all. At times our desire to fight and heal is incredible. We were once asked by a therapist if we regret starting therapy again, in many ways we do. Who wants to know that the “little girl over there” that all those awful things happened to, wasn’t another little girl, but was you?