I could do without triggers and a job at the moment. Life would be much simpler without them! So far this week:
1) 30 sq.m. of office space was taken from the office at work. This meant that the two people we get on with, have moved out of the office. This is good for them, in that they are further away from the drama and poisonous environment that exists in the library. But it’s really bad for us. We’re not going to talk to people unless we’re doing a desk shift now, so our grip on reality is going to lessen.
The new wall is partially up – along with the associated noise, disruption etc. This has caused the library staff, who were already stressed, to basically turn on each other. Several of the woman we work with have a tendency to speak before they think. One in particular will get upset and fly off the handle with very little provocation. She needs to have tight control over everything and if that control is threatened, then there will be fireworks. The problem is, that she often moans about it all to our cynical friend, who just doesn’t have the emotional reserves to cope with anything else.
2) We carried out a major system upgrade this week. So all week we’ve been testing different aspects of the system and how the new library catalogue will appear. It was all going OK, until it did a false “live” status on Thursday morning. That meant that our cynical friend got caught off-guard with an off-line upload which she knew wasn’t meant to happen, but couldn’t stop. Then today, when we finally went live. Suddenly it was doing weird things with the images and giving temporary location statuses which were unnecessary. Everyone came and complained to us individually about it – like we were meant to magically fix the stupid thing.
3) Because of factors 1 and 2 as well as her husband being told his cancer is now stage IV, our cynical friend has had several melt-downs at work – bursting into tears, having to go for a walk to calm down etc. She wrote her resignation letter on Thursday morning while still crying her eyes out. I managed to tell her to wait until next week to hand it in, to give herself the chance to calm down.
4) Because of factors 1-3, we’ve been self-injuring daily. When we talked to Liz on Monday, we had to rate the severity and regularity of our self-injury. We rarely cut, but our self-injury ranges from the subtle to the severe and occurs daily. That was a scary realisation. That realisation led to another round of self-injury. M has stated that one of our goals with Liz is to try and work on hating this body a little less – she’s thinking big picture, as she knows it won’t happen overnight. Liz gave us a time-frame of 18 months to being better, I hope she’s right.
5) A friend shared something positive with us, but it caused so much confusion and hurt. Nothing they did, purely our screwed up responses to a normal situation. The image they provided of innocence, got so caught up in our past that we couldn’t cope with it. I got overwhelmed by the young ones screaming that the girl would be hurt. Sometimes its really easy to believe that we’re making up events from the past, then something like that happens and it stops you in your tracks. Why would we react that way if we were making it all up?
6) Matthew (our American friend) has returned to prostitution. We’re all so worried about him. It’s his choice, but he’s hurting, is going to get hurt further and there’s nothing we can do about it.
7) Mother is moving in with us for the month of August. Yup, the whole month.
I know that Zombie by The Cranberries is a protest song about Northern Ireland, but many of the lyrics also are relevant to what goes on in this head – the bombs and guns are like the triggers which cause the violence, silence and crying…