On Monday we had our usual weekly appointment with Liz. Because we’ve been having such a rough week, we were expecting it to be a chaotic session. In many ways it was with first Aimee, Sophie and then M talking to Liz. But it also brought a sense of calmness for the first time. On Monday Liz said that she didn’t have all the answers and that she was very aware of the possibility that she could do further damage by saying the wrong thing to us. Not in the sense of we had her walking on egg-shells, but more that she was aware of the possibility. In some perverse way, this actually was comforting to hear. She was admitting to not having all the answers – thereby denting her status as an authority. I’d rather have someone helping me who is aware of their shortcomings and willing to work on them, than someone who is incompetent and unaware of that fact.
Then on Tuesday we went to the woman’s program to see Jo – they do one-on-one work at the program. Again we were all over the place and finding it very hard to stay present. It got to the point where Jo suggested we try drawing. As always when it comes to drawing, we totally drew a blank as to what we want or need to draw. M started off with a black swirling circle – something she regularly doodles. Then we switched and I’m not sure who came forward. But what followed was about half an hour of drawing and talking with Jo. M came back to find that the piece of paper now had a child’s drawing of a house and a rather interesting pattern of circles in different colours radiating out from a green base. To put this into context, we’ve not disclosed our diagnoses with Jo. M was stunned. Always the questions – what have we done… what have we said… were we rude… did we speak at all… HOW MUCH TROUBLE ARE WE IN???
The confusion was so obvious that M admitted to having DID. Jo was really good about it. She tried to comfort us by saying that nothing bad had happened and that she’d been speaking to someone about keeping secrets. Apparently whomever came forward had a rather impressive concept of the hierarchy of secrets – none of which could be trusted to the little girl that bears the name given at birth. Her own name was also a secret, so Jo couldn’t tell us who she’d been talking to. Jo wasn’t even sure if whomever was present, was aware of Jo being there at all – it sounded very much like they weren’t aware of the difference between the internal and external world.
So all in all, a great way to feel like a crazy arsed, fruit loop, spinner chick.