Dirty and disgusting

Note:  This post may trigger due to sexual references.

It’s not been a good day.  We were meant to go over to Tauranga to see the ocean, but the mother woke up with a cold, so those plans were cancelled.  This meant that we were left on our own for most of the day as the mother tried to sleep the cold away.  In the morning this was fine, we went out and cleared our mail from the post office and found that a series of DVDs we’d ordered from England had arrived a week earlier than expected – yay for Amazon.uk and the Royal Mail!  When we got home there was an email from our American friend.  In that two line email, he managed to make us feel dirty, disgusting and used.  He was manipulating us into trying to scare away his current housemate who thinks that dissociation is fun, he thought the way to do this was for S to talk to her and then have phone sex with her.

S was used to please women during the CSA.  She knows how to please women as well as men.  Our friend wanted to use that ability.  It’s been a long time since we’ve felt that used and manipulated.  We know it’s the wrong thing to do, but S feels an irresistible pull to please our friend by doing what he bids.  The only thing that stopped the phone call was the mother being in the house.

We hadn’t heard from him in over a week, so thought he was finished with us.  We’d talked honestly about something that happened a few weeks ago involving S acting in a self-injurious way and he’d reacted in such an odd and negative way, that we thought he was disgusted in us.  But now he is blatantly trying to use our dysfunction for his own needs.  It’s been a struggle not to self-injure today.  S badly wanted to act out.  We tried going to take photos, but there were too many people around.  We felt too dirty to be near other people.  Children were everywhere and we had this fear that we would contaminate them with our filth by being near them.

Now playing: Death Cab for Cutie – I’ll follow you into the dark
via FoxyTunes


14 thoughts on “Dirty and disgusting

  1. Just to top the day off… was going to sell my old camera to the sister for her daughter’s use. Mother sent the text to see if it was wanted, the answer… Yes, she’ll buy it for $50 as long as she can use it as a birthday present with my name attached to it. How does this make any sense???? Sister is saying she’ll pay me for my present to her child…

    No no no no… If it’s going to be a birthday present, then no money changes hands. If it’s a straight purchase, she can pay the $50 and give it to her daughter at any time not associated with my name.

    When is this day going to end?

  2. When I have read your post, it made me very sad. I would feel dirty and disgusting too 😦
    I will never understand that your friend is able and wants to use and manipulate you in such horrible way. I wonder, whether somebody acts like this, is really someone, which you can call a friend. I don’t think so. Especially when he knows, that you have DID.
    I really hope that S. knows that she hurts the other inside you, if she would made this call. I hope she won’t do it. Making this call, is this the price for friendship???
    What you have written about your sister…. Maybe this is thus in dysfunctional families. I know it in a similar form. If my mother, for example, buy a present and gives this then in my name to my “producer” for his birthday 😦
    Please take good care of you. Maybe you can try to distract yourself with the new DVDs a little….
    Wish I could write in better english to express my feelings, it really hurts… Thinking of you. many safe hugs if ok (((()))

  3. Oh, my. The person you call your American friend, is not your friend at all. Let me see if I can explain it the way I feel it.

    You said you wondered if he was disgusted with you the last time you talked on the phone. I believe he was and here’s why. He believes the only way to rid himself of someone in his life is to disgust her and make her angry. That’s what he wants you for. If he didn’t believe you could be disgusting, he wouldn’t have asked.

    Firstly, a FRIEND would not ask you to do something like that. Secondly, a FRIEND would not ask you to do something so denigrating to S – he would be protective of you and of her.

    It doesn’t matter what S USED to do, it matters what she chooses to do now. I am sending courage to S and companionship to you. I’m sure you have more than one true friend in America, and it’s not the manipulator. You are strong and you are wise. S is very wise also, because I believe she would have found a way to make that call otherwise. (I know, Blue can and will do whatever she pleases – she’s just learned to make wiser decisions.)

    I know this all sounds so harsh. I’m not trying to kick you when you’re down, I’m just angry with Manipulator, and terribly worried about S. Keep us posted. Blog instead of injure, reach out instead of letting your past have your future. please.

  4. I agree with Ivory. I have said this before. I think this is a situation that warrants your cutting things off. I don’t usually give advice so decidedly like this, but I see you getting hurt and it makes me very angry.

    And that is exactly what this is: you are getting hurt by your friend’s actions. You have enough trouble as it is without someone manipulating you. Abuse is all about manipulating and your “friend” does not view you as a friend now. He views you as someone he can use.

    You are worth more than that. Way more than that. I think all of you knows that you are more than what S represents. S is an aspect of you. She helped you cope and navigate and live in the world. But S is part of a system and the more you all know you are in this together, the more you will things need to be different now.

    You are healing. I know it’s very hard for you. And I know that you often do not see the healing, but I do see it. It’s very clear to me.

    Be gentle with yourself. You may feel dirty and disgusting, but you are not. I think “you” know that.


  5. That is not a friend by any definition, at least not now. This person may have been genuinely supportive or good for you in the past, but that request has crossed a boundary. Like Paul, I think that person needs to be out of your collective life — not because of the temptation to S, but because of the blatant and cruel disrespect.

    Please know that I am keeping S in my thoughts with compassion and care for her suffering.

  6. Thank you (((LostShadowChild)))

    Your words meant a great deal to us all. We’re still not back in any sort of balance, but one moment at a time 🙂

    Take care my friend…
    B and Sophie 🙂

  7. Pingback: Trying to eliminate the dirty feeling « Scattered pieces…

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