Note: This post may trigger due to sexual references.
It’s not been a good day. We were meant to go over to Tauranga to see the ocean, but the mother woke up with a cold, so those plans were cancelled. This meant that we were left on our own for most of the day as the mother tried to sleep the cold away. In the morning this was fine, we went out and cleared our mail from the post office and found that a series of DVDs we’d ordered from England had arrived a week earlier than expected – yay for Amazon.uk and the Royal Mail! When we got home there was an email from our American friend. In that two line email, he managed to make us feel dirty, disgusting and used. He was manipulating us into trying to scare away his current housemate who thinks that dissociation is fun, he thought the way to do this was for S to talk to her and then have phone sex with her.
S was used to please women during the CSA. She knows how to please women as well as men. Our friend wanted to use that ability. It’s been a long time since we’ve felt that used and manipulated. We know it’s the wrong thing to do, but S feels an irresistible pull to please our friend by doing what he bids. The only thing that stopped the phone call was the mother being in the house.
We hadn’t heard from him in over a week, so thought he was finished with us. We’d talked honestly about something that happened a few weeks ago involving S acting in a self-injurious way and he’d reacted in such an odd and negative way, that we thought he was disgusted in us. But now he is blatantly trying to use our dysfunction for his own needs. It’s been a struggle not to self-injure today. S badly wanted to act out. We tried going to take photos, but there were too many people around. We felt too dirty to be near other people. Children were everywhere and we had this fear that we would contaminate them with our filth by being near them.
Now playing: Death Cab for Cutie – I’ll follow you into the dark