I’m not sure if it’s because of our mild OCD tendencies or control issues, but when we get a sense that something is dirty because of any abuse or sexual context, we find it very hard to go back to it. This is only when it pertains to something that has happened to us, if anyone tells us something about themselves, there’s no problem. So it’s all about self-hatred and self-disgust. This is what happened with this blog after our entry Dirty and disgusting. There was a need to delete the blog and everything to do with the incident. It had become dirty by association and needed to be eliminated. This sort of thinking has meant that we’ve abandoned or destroyed all sorts of things over the years. If we’re unable to compartmentalise and suppress the incidents, we need to get as much distance between us and any reminders as possible.
To try and eliminate the feeling about the blog, we tried to write an entry about a totally unrelated concept during lunch yesterday. But, on the way home M pointed out how flawed the thinking was, so we had to delete it. This brings us to this entry. We’re trying to minimise the feeling of dirtiness by talking directly about it. I don’t know if it will work or not, but it’s worth a try. We may still need to change the layout or move the blog, I’m not sure.
When we’re like this, we have a tendency to throw up more walls, so our comments become more left field than usual (sorry Paul, you got the sharp end of an example of that); or are obviously without any sense of compassion as our “no affective response” protectors make their presence felt. Usually I can stop the commenting when we’re at this level of functioning, but not always. I suppose that’s a sign that our mental health is on a downward spiral, just need to find something to reverse the trend or find a plateau.