Do you ever do something, which you’re sure is a positive healing step, only to find out it has caused unforeseen pain to a part of you? I shared something on a blog today after several attempts and false starts at commenting. The blog owner has now commented on the entry, giving positive proof that our comment has probably been read. Now all I hear are the words “Shouldn’t have shared” repeated over and over by a young one. It’s getting louder and more insistent. I’ve tried apologising. I’ve tried breathing. But it hasn’t helped. I stuffed up royally. This young one has taken our comments as positive proof that we are a disgusting piece of worthless rubbish.
I thought writing this might stop the chanting. We went to see Jo at the woman’s program today and badly needed to self-injure as punishment for getting caught up at work and therefore running late for the appointment. Jo asked what was going on to cause the need to injure, I said I didn’t know. She asked if it was someone within the system who wanted to injure. Suddenly the need to self-injure stopped. It was as if whatever part was causing the need, didn’t want to be questioned or discovered, so went away. I was hoping the same logic would work with the chanting, but no.