Please note: This entry may trigger.
I’m very aware that I often tell others to “take care” and “be gentle”. But I have no idea how to do this myself. I’ve been losing my battle with self-injury more and more over the last month. It started with the week leading up to the Father’s Day/Mother’s birthday weekend and was easing off, until being triggered again by a potential loss of our ACC funded therapy – they don’t consider that we have made enough progress towards healing. This all adds up to a total loss of control and a desire to escape. Even the act of breathing feels disgusting.
There is a desire to keep on distracting, everyone tells me when I get like this to utilise my distraction techniques. I wonder if I become so good at reverting to these distractions, that it means I avoid looking at the problem. The distractions become another form of dissociating the pain away. Yet I’m terrified of looking at the causes of the pain. The very first time I tried Mindfulness I was doing the usual process of trying to look at my thoughts on an internal movie screen, instead I was confronted by a wild haired alter silently screaming through a window at me. It was terrifying. I use the distraction techniques to avoid having to see anything like that again.
I’m hanging on by a thread. I know I’ve been here before. I know I’ve gotten through this before. But how many times does this have to happen before I’m allowed to let go of the thread?
Sorry, I’m not strong enough to cope with comments on this post. I know the people who usually comment on this blog are incredibly kind, caring and amazing people. It’s just where I am at the moment. Sorry.