I’m struggling…  struggling to maintain the feeling of being alive and being an adult.

Tomorrow I go to the funeral of my cynical work friends husband.  He died on Sunday after a year of battling cancer.  I unsuccessfully researched the guilt associated with someone who is suicidal continuing to live, while someone who was in love and loved life dies a horrible death.  There seems a great injustice in that scenario.  When I mentioned it to Liz on Monday, she came very close to talking about religion again, but squeaked by with the “there must be a reason” line.  I’m at a loss as to what that reason is.

We’ve been asking M to do a majority of the work and I think this might be part of the reason why we’re struggling.  M is incredibly functional, focused and driven; but she comes with the baggage of addiction issues which can harm the rest of us.  I’m not sure how to break through this barrier that we seem to have up.  I’m not sure if it is the time of year causing the problem (Wedding Anniversary, ex-husbands birthday and Christmas are approaching).  It could also be the work environment which is still negative and emotionally draining.

I suppose the big problem is that I was hoping the time off work would help to ease these issues, but it hasn’t.  Maybe I was hoping for another quick fix…  I’m realising that quick fixes don’t seem to exist within mental health.

8 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. I think we are all random and there isn’t one bit of logic or fairness to when we die. I stopped searching for those answers a long time ago.

    I am sorry that you are having such a bad time of it and really hope you find peace. Hugs to you!

  2. I don’t think there’s a reason why one person lives and another dies; it’s arbitrary.

    One might just as well ask why you, rather than someone else, had to be the victim of child abuse.There’s no logic or fairness to that, either. And if Liz thinks she can explain that one with religion, then she shouldn’t be a therapist, IMO.

    Either God is responsible for everything, or for nothing. Death happens. Cruelty happens. People deal with life and death as best they can, and try to play with grace the hand they’re dealt, even when it’s a losing one.

    • Hi David,

      She didn’t mention religion, but it was hard not to draw that conclusion when she mentioned there being a plan. She may not have been thinking of a religious plan, but I’m not sure what else would warrant the use of those words.

      I think my grace is slipping…

      Take care,

  3. When I read your post yesterday, I couldn’t write something. Too much memories. There is no justice in life at all and it’s inappropriate from Liz trying to explain with religion and “there must be a reason” 😦
    It tore up my heart when I read this. Maybe she could explain me why a good friend from me has died with 26 by an car accident caused by a drunken freak?
    I don’t want to think about reasons why such things happens. There is no explanation, which would be obvious for me.
    I understand why you are struggling. I think the best we can do is: trying to survive every day and make this world a little better and safer.
    Warm safe hugs to you ((()))

    • Thank you (((LostShadowChild)))

      I’m so sorry that your friend died so young. I don’t see any plan either, it all seems to random for there to be any greater plan.

      I’m sorry, I should have thought to put a trigger warning on this post. I hope I didn’t trigger you…

      I like “trying to survive every day and make this world a little better and safer”. This is something that makes sense to me.

      Take care,

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