I’m struggling… struggling to maintain the feeling of being alive and being an adult.
Tomorrow I go to the funeral of my cynical work friends husband. He died on Sunday after a year of battling cancer. I unsuccessfully researched the guilt associated with someone who is suicidal continuing to live, while someone who was in love and loved life dies a horrible death. There seems a great injustice in that scenario. When I mentioned it to Liz on Monday, she came very close to talking about religion again, but squeaked by with the “there must be a reason” line. I’m at a loss as to what that reason is.
We’ve been asking M to do a majority of the work and I think this might be part of the reason why we’re struggling. M is incredibly functional, focused and driven; but she comes with the baggage of addiction issues which can harm the rest of us. I’m not sure how to break through this barrier that we seem to have up. I’m not sure if it is the time of year causing the problem (Wedding Anniversary, ex-husbands birthday and Christmas are approaching). It could also be the work environment which is still negative and emotionally draining.
I suppose the big problem is that I was hoping the time off work would help to ease these issues, but it hasn’t. Maybe I was hoping for another quick fix… I’m realising that quick fixes don’t seem to exist within mental health.