When we started this blog over a year ago, we never thought we’d maintain it for any length of time.  We’d previously tried journaling in paper format and never been able to maintain it for longer than a week.  We never knew what to say, and quite frankly the idea of writing down our thoughts was terrifying.  This is possibly why we had so much trouble with doing a time-line with Liz on Monday.  I know that we consider the written word incredibly important – our escape while growing up, was to curl up in the Sun somewhere and read for hours on end, escaping into an imagined world.  Books and words were our safety, journaling and written based therapy exercises could be seen as a threat to that sense of safety.  Online blogs aren’t tactile, and we associate online writing with work, so we can do this as it doesn’t have the same emotional ties that a book has.

In many ways, we treat this blog as our journal.  The problem is that we know we have a small group of readers for our work here, so we can’t be as honest as we should and we get hung up with worrying about others perceptions of us.  We’ve tried creating separate online journals, but each of these has failed over time.  It is often when we need to write the most, that we shut down and don’t write anything.  Instead of reaching out and trying to express/process the pain, we go back to our old coping mechanisms of cutting everything and everyone off.  It’s only recently that I’ve been called on this – friends and Liz have accused me of shutting them out, I know I do it and can see it happening, but am powerless to stop it (at the moment).

Now that we have this site, we’re going to start another journal.  Maybe this one will work, I don’t know.  Today we went to the Zoo and it was interesting as Aimee wanted to write about the trip here.  But she is 9 and nearly illiterate, I wouldn’t expose her/us like that here, but it is the sort of thing that we should add to a private blog.  Looks like I’ll have to get M moving on creating the new private journal 🙂

Now playing: Ludwig van Beethoven – Symphony No. 3 in E flat major (‘Eroica’), Op. 55: Marcia funebre, Adagio assai
via FoxyTunes


7 thoughts on “Journaling

  1. I think we’re twins because books were my escape while growing up too. They still are, in some respects. Online writing is more like “work” to me, too. It’s not really writing, is it?

    Please know that your friends here love and respect you for who you are, and will not judge you for what you write. Or who writes it. Aimee and the others are welcome here, just as CG is.

    I know the writing thing is incredibly hard, though I have also found it incredibly helpful (even if I never would have thought I’d say that). Try the online private journal thing again, may be?


    • Hi (((Kerro)))

      If you had a gorgeous grey long-haired cat called Wanda growing up, then that’s it… we’re twins and didn’t know it 🙂

      The problem is that I judge me/us. I’ll let Aimee do her report on the private blog and send you the link so you know why I couldn’t put it here. We’re still in the process of setting it up, so it may take a day or so.

      Do you journal at all? I know lots of people that do and I admire that ability.

      Take care
      CG 🙂

  2. Lol… I did have a cat growing up… sadly she was black and name Priscilla.

    I do journal. I journalled endlessly for the first few months of therapy. Now my journalling is a bit less organised – in part I use my blog for some things, others are on the puter in secret and still others are in the pen and paper journal. Messy, but it still works.

    At first my journalling was about purging all the sh1t I’d been carrying around for 38-odd years. Now it’s more about unloading my struggles in the here and now.

    I would like to read Aimee’s report. I think however we write, in whatever form, whatever medium, and however structured or literate, or not… it’s all fine, and it’s all good.


  3. Maybe journaling isn’t for you. Maybe your story unfolds thru photographs. Maybe it’s with sketches. I love to look at a photograph as the owner tells the story. It has brought tears to my heart at times. What ever your outlet, I think you will succeed. And, yes, what Kerro says: we all will be here.

    • Interesting Ivory, I never considered that journaling wasn’t my thing. I always considered that I was a failure for not being able to do it. I’ll give it another go because so many people with DID do find it valuable in keeping up with the dissociative switching and what is occuring.

      Thank you 🙂
      Take care,

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