I’ve mentioned previously that I exhibit avoidance behaviours – this is especially true of my relationship with therapists. We respect Liz and her abilities, but we don’t particularly like her and some of us actively hate her. So any notion of becoming attached to her in any way, feels alien and odd. Up until now, I’ve been dubious as to whether any sort of attachment or reliance is necessary – surely we can learn and heal without these silly emotional concepts getting in the way… Well, apparently not. Apparently, at some stage you have to trust your therapists strength to carry some of the burden. We’ve reached that point and it’s terrifying beyond words… What if Liz can’t cope? What if she isn’t there like we need her to be? What if she looks at the problems we’re bringing, and says it’s too much… that we’re too damaged?
I have an emergency session with Liz this afternoon to try and work on a safety plan. I didn’t cope well with the ex-husband’s birthday and I need help. My heart sinks as I write those words. I don’t want to need help. I don’t want to appear less than perfect. I sure don’t want to rely on anyone else for that help. People have a habit of being human and making mistakes or not following through on the things they say… What if Liz turns out to be very normal in her mistake making abilities and lets us down when we really need someone, how are we meant to work through that? Carol is the last therapist who let us down when we needed her. She had us sectioned under the Mental Health Act because of a misunderstanding. This one mistake nearly destroyed Sophie and changed the system significantly. We can’t risk something like that again.
So, I’m going into this session on tenterhooks. I know I need help, but I’m not sure what help I need. I do know that we hate needing to ask.