Failure – as in, I feel like one

As a warning, this might not be one of my most rational entries – and there have been some pretty irrational ones over the past year…

Today we went to see Liz for our scheduled appointment.  It was a monumental disaster.  We had to talk about a report for ACC to ensure we continue to receive funding (yes, this funding seems to be a continual battle).  We were in protection mode, pretty much shut down with Sophie only able to look at the keys she was playing with in her hands.  We’re very aware that ACC want to see improvement – no matter how small.  But, we haven’t improved much and if we put that in the report, we would probably end up being sent for a psychiatric assessment.  We had this knowledge sitting in the back of our head and were trying to tailor our answers as a consequence.  Then Liz casually dropped a bombshell…

“We can’t have you functioning too low or out of control or they’ll refer you to mental health services for the DBT programme.”

This is one of our nightmares… being sent to DBT in New Zealand.

I know people are helped by that programme every day.  I know it helps with emotion regulation and mindfulness… I know it could potentially help me immensely.  BUT over here, there is no streaming or grouping according to functioning, you are placed in the first opening they have.  There aren’t any evening courses, so I’d end up having to take time off work.  This means that I could end up in a group which is incredibly low functioning and triggering for me.  I don’t cope well with groups, so I’d sit there like a stuffed dummy, avoiding the whole situation – I didn’t talk once during a Mindfulness course which lasted for six weeks.  What’s worse is that it will odds are trigger M to come forward to protect us, so we’d end up appearing saner than the therapists and be ticked off as “cured” very quickly.

Yes, I know this hasn’t happened and was just an idle comment by Liz… but with the changes in ACC policy, it’s a very real possibility.  I never thought I’d say it, but please let them decide that I need a psychiatric assessment.  Anything but DBT.

The flip side of this conversation, is that we now think that we’re too much for Liz to cope with and this is her way of introducing the idea of us moving on to someone else.  So the concept of testing her with our trust, went flying out the window.  Again, I know that she hasn’t said that she’s going anywhere…  It’s just our damaged perception of what happened.

Problem is, our damaged perception seems very real right now.


12 thoughts on “Failure – as in, I feel like one

  1. I dont think thats irrational at all. I’d probably act in much the same way. These systems arent very sympathetic of individual needs, what works for one person or even a group of people wont necessarily work for the entire population.
    I hope you get the acc funding sorted and that there is some positive outcome. Im sorry things are so hard for you right now. x

    • Thanks Amy… It feels like a battle with ACC as they have such power over my access to help.

      I felt pretty irrational when I was writing this 🙂
      How are you? I haven’t seen you around much lately – yes, I’ve been looking 🙂

      Take care,

      • Well, i have no internet til 11th december 😀 but i’m doing great 🙂 i’m only using internet from my phone for the moment so won’t be around much

    • I told Liz how badly the report was affecting me – I lost two days to the dissociation because of the anxiety, so she’s agreed to complete the report without me. I haven’t told her my fears regarding the DBT programme and mental health services, but will attempt to do that when I see her next. I know I need to be more open about my fears and anxiety, but that needs trust and I haven’t reached that yet.

      Take care,

  2. Oh CG, we understand you so well !! and your post is not irrational at all.
    We were in a hospital in 2007 where they used a DBT program. It was real horrible for us and we were triggered an Re-Traumatized very badly. Many survivors have problems with such programmes. Please tell Liz about the problems. I hope you find a way to receive the funding.
    Sending many safe hugs to you (((())) Please take care.

    • It’s so good to hear from you (((LostShadowChild))).

      We know the program can help people, so we don’t want to dismiss it, but we know that in a group situation it wouldn’t work for us. I’m sorry it didn’t work for you, but I hope you’re receiving better care now.

      Take care,

  3. I don’t see you as irrational or a failure. But I do think you should talk to Liz about this.

    I also hope you get the funding situation sorted out. It’s hard enough dealing with the issues in life that people like us deal with, let alone icing our not very nice cake with crap like this as well.

    Take care, CG.


  4. Oh honey, I’m so sorry … it’s awful that you have to keep fighting for funding.

    If your report of what Liz said was exactly accurate, it sounds to me like she wants to keep you out of DBT as well, and that her comment was meant as a heads-up that the two of you might have to figure out a way to keep you safe. I echo your other commenters … if you can find a way to tell her your fears, the two of you may be able to work better with the system. I know it’s a risk, and it’s so hard to trust.

    But you’re not a failure, not by any stretch of the imagination.

    • I think you’re right David, Liz is trying to keep me from being sent on the mental health services pathway. I know I panic as soon as DBT and the mental health services are mentioned, but I’ve experienced their level of care, and it’s pretty woeful.

      I’m trying to stay positive. Thank you.

      Take care,

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