Is this what anger feels like?

“I always thought there was something going on.”

Those are the words my mother has repeated to me several times about one of the sisters boyfriends who was abusing me.

“I always thought there was something going on.”

Those words are possibly meant to validate what I experienced… sort of a vote that the mother believes we may have been hurt…  But this is what those words say to some of us…

“You were not worth worrying about.  I suspected you were being hurt, but you weren’t as important as the sister… our reputation… my feelings… anything… you are, and were, worthless and meaningless.”

Because of how we view that sentence by the mother, I think there is a deep seeded feeling of resentment towards her.  I don’t know if it is anger, maybe it is.  I don’t know what anger feels like…  Liz tried to explain to me that my feelings of anger drive my self-injury and suicidal ideation.  If this is the case then I’m in trouble, as the mother is coming up for a two week visit over the Christmas break.  Already the craziness has started…  Last night I spent a disastrous night in the local psychiatric ward because I felt so unsafe.

Last nights experiences again raises the question of where I can get effective help in keeping myself safe.  I talked to Liz about my safety last week and she suggested respite care places I’d never heard about before.  This might be my only hope of finding somewhere I can go to stay safe and have the space to work on what I need to internally.  Last night has shown me that I won’t find that environment in our public health system.  So my only hope is to work this through myself with the basic level of assistance that Liz can offer.  I realise that I can’t do this with the mother here.  I could try to cancel her visit, but this is unlikely to occur as she has sold her house and will effectively be homeless over Christmas.  So, my devious side has come up with a plan to use her to feed our cat while we go into respite care.  I’m not sure if I can work it – it will depend on the psychiatrist saying that it is necessary, the respite places having an opening and me being able to cope with the place without necessary things like my computer – I will have the iPhone though, as long as they have wifi or 3G…  I’ll also have the camera…

I realise that the people in the respite care won’t have any specialisation in trauma or DID.  But, as a friend suggested, I need to work on this stuff internally or else I’m in trouble.  So, if I can’t look for external sources for that help, then I’d better find some way of facing the internal chaos in my own way.  I won’t necessarily find the answers or get the insight that would come with an external opinion, but it’s better than treading water in an ocean rip like I’m currently doing.

—————-
Now playing: Hollie Smith – Bathe in the river
via FoxyTunes

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9 thoughts on “Is this what anger feels like?

  1. Dear Castorgirl,

    I can understand the anger you feel. I think it’s healthy to let that anger out.

    Your mother, from what you’ve written about her, is not at all sensitive or mature. This is about her and not about you. I understand that she sent you messages that are hard to shake.

    I would like to imagine that a parent saying something like this is based on what is learned after the fact. My parents, for example, looking back knew things weren’t right but were not equipped to react. This is not an excuse for them.

    I like the focus on you. I like the using your mother to feed your cat and you finding respite. I think this is necessary. You have a right to find space to heal. I know you do not have the resources I have here as far as hospital programs and specialties in DID. But I think Liz is right. I think you are planning to do what you need to do to find some healing and safety.

    Yes, your experience in the psych ward was a disaster. Now you know you’ve tried that and it didn’t work. You ARE worth it. And I know you will try to find the best available help for you now. A doctor here basically told me “there is no utility in being in treading water in an ocean rip”. You cannot do this forever and you will wear yourself down. It’s taking a toll on you. You do need respite from this way of living.

    Take care,

    Paul

    • Hi Paul,

      I fall into the role of protecting my mother very easily. It’s a role I established a long time ago – as do many survivors.

      I understand what you mean about a parent looking back on something, and I would find it easier to accept if this sentence was said in isolation… But she has a string of such sayings which make the event about her and her inability to react, rather than anything about me. This is part of the reason why I wish she had continued on with the therapy that she started, it might have helped her to gain some insight into her own actions and their impact.

      I’m hoping that the respite option will go ahead… I’m working on it, but it needs input from doctors and psychiatrists. I’m beyond weary…

      Take care,
      CG

  2. CG,

    What Paul said. You are most definitely worth it. Every bit of you.

    My mother also knew things were not right, but also wasn’t equipped to deal with it in the way that she might now. Nor did she have the knowledge or the societal support that we have now. This isn’t an excuse either, just helps me to understand why she did what she did.

    I don’t understand the internal work that needs to happen for you, but I know it’s worth it, as hard and torturous as I’m sure it will be.

    The respite idea is a great one. Go for it. What have you got to lose?

    Can I ask, has anyone suggested your mother go to therapy with you? I’m sorry if the very idea of that just set off fireworks in your brain. I’m just curious – it did help my mother understand where I’m at, though she still behaves in Oscar-winning bad ways at times.

    Take care, we’re all here for you, rooting for you, luvving you.

    K
    xoxo

    • Hi Kerro,

      I’ve taken my mother into therapy in the past with fairly disastrous results. She is able to say most of the right things within a therapy session which, combined with my protective role and defenses, mean that she sails through the session thinking that she is helping me immensely and is doing everything possible. She isn’t at all aware that she is part of the problem…

      Thank you for the support 🙂
      Take care,
      CG

      • I hear you, my mother is somewhat the same in making all the right noises but reverting to denial afterwards. Perhaps I am reverting to defending my mother, but I think this is the only way she knows.

        Even if that is the case, I cannot believe that your mother – nor mine – can go to therapy and not have it affect them and view our lives differently. Even if that won’t admit it.

        Please keep us updated on the respite situation.

        Take care.

  3. Our revengeful alter popped up, while we read the following sentence above: “I could try to cancel her visit, but this is unlikely to occur as she has sold her house and will effectively be homeless over Christmas.”

    He said, here’s opportunity to trade places for a while. She in the past didn’t offer you a home, a safe place, at all. Why should she now expect to be offered one? She doesn’t deserve it! Now let her taste how it feels to have no home, no safety!!! You have to taste her “bitter medicine” all of your childhood long!

    Now it’s her turn!!! Let her taste her… Let her be homeless, like you have always been despite having a roof over your head… If she asks why I will tell her the truth, if she doesn’t know it or doesn’t want to know it!!! It’s time for revenge!!!

    Other alters say you can come to stay at our home as tourist over the period. Yes, you can 🙂 Really. No kidding. We recently registered at couchsurfing so you can come http://www.couchsurfing.org/profile.html?id=9PEP3R0 We will show you our part of the world and you’ll be safe (and most importantly thousands of miles away from the m.0.t.h.3.r… )

    • We couldn’t do that… We couldn’t get revenge on anyone… We couldn’t tell her the truth… No, it’s too much…

      Take care,
      CG

  4. Hi Castorgirl,

    I like the idea of you getting respite care, hope it is a good fit for you. I like the idea of your mother taking care of you in some way, you deserve that, even if it is taking care of your cat. It was her job to take care of you and to act on her sense that you were not safe. It is okay, though hard, to feel anger inside for her. You do, it is there, and it can be difficult, challenging, but also healing. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • Thank you Kate… I’m so very tired and your words brought a sense of comfort…

      Sending positive thoughts…
      Take care,
      CG

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