Small and scared

Yesterday the safety of the respite house came under question. We left to spend the day with the mother, mainly to test how well we are. It turns out we’re still not all that grounded or well…

When we returned we found that a new client had arrived at the respite house. This was fine, they are female and seemingly non-threatening. So we went down to our room to drop off some things, only to find that someone had been in and used our art supplies. The young ones were so upset about this boundary violation. Little Michelle came forward and looked around in tears. This may seem like an over-reaction considering nothing had been destroyed, but it was the young ones who had their things moved and used. M was prepared for our iPod to have been stolen, and it would have had less impact if that’s what had happened. The iPod is mainly for the teens and adults, we could have coped better than the invasion on the young ones things.

Then at night the new client went on a severe binging and purging cycle. It was awful for her, she’d felt so positive during the day. For us it was a huge trigger. We have food issues as well, not to the level of the new client, but her pain and acting out was enough to trigger us through the roof.

So our safe house doesn’t feel so safe anymore. We know it was the carers grandson who used our art things, we know the mother is trying and we know the new client is trying to work through their problems. But we feel so small and scared. We feel like we’ve taken a huge step backwards.

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10 thoughts on “Small and scared

  1. Oh, CG, I feel so bad for you! But maybe it’s not the step backwards you feel. Maybe it’s awareness of your surroundings. That would be a good thing. Or, at least I’m told that being aware is good so that I stay in the present and cope with the present. All my best wishes for you while you are there.

  2. I am sorry it didn’t feel safe… The place you are in, trying to find “respite” and do some healing work, is a place of extreme vulnerability. You are bound to get triggered more and it will be hard… maybe harder than many things you have done to heal. But I do hope you give this a chance… and I want to remind you that you were at the end of your rope before getting there and that this is really important for all of you.

  3. I’m so sorry 😦 It’s awful what happened. My little ones would burst into tears, if someone had used their things. They are extremely vulnerable. Nobody, absolutely nobody has the right to use your things without asking for permission. It’s a serious transgression. For us, it would be a tremendous breach of trust. Poor Michelle 😦 We really understand how she feels.
    Can you talk with the carer about what happened und what it means to you? Perhaps Sophie? together with M.?
    Thinking of you and please take care ((()))

  4. Hi everyone,

    Things got worse after this, which nearly resulted in me being removed from the respite house. The triggers continued and there was a final straw in the form of a call from the crisis team who told me that I needed to get out of my room and go for walks to burn off the excess energy that was causing the suicidal intent. I mentioned that I have been going for walks, but she kept on about how I may as well be at home if all I was going to do was sit in my room.

    This final straw meant that I went and self-injured… which is against the respite house rules. Thankfully the respite carers understood what had led to the self injury and were willing to keep me there, but it did mean another trip to the psyc ward for a meds review.

    It was an awful experience, where again I was thrown back to square one in terms of coping and my ideation and intent. The Crisis members who escorted me to and from the psyc ward were very nice and tried to assure me that all of the Crisis team weren’t like the person I’d talked to on the phone. The problem is, the service I got on the phone was typical for them, not atypical.

    But I am safe in respite for another couple of nights… Hopefully I’ll have my equilibrium back by then…

    Thanks again for all your support, it has helped so much to know that some people understand what I’m going through.

    Take care,
    CG

  5. I’m sorry, I am a little out of the loop.
    I’m not reliable.
    but anyways, I didn’t know if you have a decent T at this time? I know a good one can be hard to find.
    Are you aware of what is causing such instability w/in? Or is it not parts stuff going on?
    Sorry, I did read, mebe I missed something.
    Mebbe getting a meds review will help.
    You write so well, and your vids are cool. I hate that you are hurting.
    There is always adversity, but what I trying to learn, rather than just block stuff out, is to have big parts help w/small parts and to have less fighting and stuff.
    Mebbe thats why you messed? cuz you can’t diss like you used to?
    I found that SO hard at first when I found I diss less and I was left wide open w/no defenses.
    But now I guess I am more used to it.
    My parts are still at war tho.
    So I dunno, wished I could say right things.
    Guess only other thing I’d say, is something i do, I call ‘scenarios’. Kinda basically daydreaming for parts. Seriously tho, it does help parts to express stuff they feeling. Cuz if I try and talk direct they clam up. But sometimes, w/’scenarios’ they can express stuff.
    It can be me being a hero! or me being bad…or me being cared for by T, or me winning a big fight etc etc, I kinda go w/the flow. I am careful of being triggered by scenarios, and of parts bullying. But oddly, it really helps me when I am able to do it.
    Thats nice those people let you stay. Guess they understand bout SI.
    I shut up now huh.
    Try and chill as best you can.
    be nice to alla you.
    Sorry if I being dumb.
    Ones

    • Hi Ones,

      It sounds like you have a better grasp on your system than I do. I’m trying with minimal support to get an understanding of my anger. I don’t have much support because of the holidays.

      Thank you for your comment, it always good to hear another perspective.

      Take care,
      CG

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