Journey

I took this photo awhile ago now, but today it means something to us… We call it “Journey”…

Journey

Journey

.

When we look at this picture today it means many different things to us –

  • Journey into the light from the dark – a journey of hope
  • Journey of danger as a child is lead away to disappear with the man beside him
  • Journey of death, with this light at the end of the tunnel being what you see upon your death
  • Journey of innocence as the child plays happily beside the safe man
  • Journey through the holding pens, ready for death at the meat market.  People before these two have left their last messages on the walls, only for it to be covered up like graffiti…  If you look at the image large size on black, you can see the hand marks made on the ceiling as a last attempt to leave something behind

This jumble of messages is how we are at the moment, a messy jumble of thoughts, both good and bad.  We’re not sure where our journey is taking us, but at the moment it feels like things are shifting internally.  I’m not sure of the reason – maybe it’s returning to work, maybe it’s the two year anniversary of the attempt on our life by our then husband, maybe it’s our healing work…  I’m not sure, but I wish we were more settled and safer.

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16 thoughts on “Journey

  1. Hi Castorgirl,

    This is the essence of DID.

    Now you are more aware of what the conflicts are… so this is progress. What you do with all this information is up to you.

    What I’ve learned, and what my therapist helps me to do, sometimes not too well, is to reality check. It’s important that we can keep in mind the negatives of what images like this say to us, but at the same time the more adult parts of us have the job to soothe those other parts. We validate, but say that that was in the past or that we don’t need it to happen that way.

    This is the hard work. This is what you are now doing and have been doing for some time; or at least leading up to it.

    Take good care,

    Paul

    • Hi Paul,

      I feel as if I’m starting this healing journey all over again… I’ve been at this for nearly 5 years and it’s only now that I’m beginning to understand so much more about what is happening and how to possibly help those who are hurting.

      Today I realised how much the anniversaries around the now ex-husband are affecting us all. It saddens me that we were in that relationship for so long… that our young ones were again subjected to the pain and confusion so similar to the past. This is where our reality checking fails, we’re not distant enough from the ex-husband to get a clear idea that we no longer have to repeat these thought patterns and actions.

      We are working on it and trying new things…

      Take care,
      CG

      • CG, I would try not to think of this feeling that you are starting the healing journey all over again as a negative…. think of it as a freeing… There will be many other places in both our healing journey’s where we will think we are starting all over again. It’s okay. You really are doing so much.

  2. Hi CG

    I see the same things you do. I think this goes beyond DID. As you know, my therapist would say ‘sure, acknowledge all the things, but try to focus on the positive one/s’.

    Seeing the healing journey helps me. It helps keep me thinking about the future and where I want to be.

    (((CG)))

    • Hi Kerro,

      I know that’s sound advice that your therapist would give… but, at times it’s so hard to achieve. You get caught in the swirling negativity and the compartmentalisation of the DID means that the negativity can come out of nowhere and sweep you away before you know it. I’m trying to control the triggers that would lead to the negative messages taking hold, but it is difficult. The last thought that came through about the photo referring to a meat market took on a life of its own while writing this entry. The father being a butcher meant that some parts of me are very familiar with this sort of environment.

      I’m trying…

      Take care,
      CG

      • Hi CG

        Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that this is easy at all. I know it’s not. And though I don’t have DID, I do know how easy it is for the negativity to sweep you off your feet. This time 12 months ago there is no way in the world I could have even acknowledged my therapist’s comment, let alone used it. But now I can… this week I can, though I know that’s no guarantee I will be able to tomorrow, or next week, or next year. But for now, I’ll take it and use it and enjoy it.

        I guess I was just trying to say that it is possible. I know you are working really hard. I see that, and I admire and respect you so much for it. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and hopefully one day that thing I call the “magic of therapy” will make some things that were once not possible, suddenly possible.

        I also agree with Paul, that even though it feels like you are starting over again (and over again and over again), you really aren’t. Each time we take a step forward in healing something shifts, so that the next time we feel we have to “start again” we are starting from a different place. I only know this because David told me 😉 and because I kept repeating his words to myself over and over and over again.

        It’s like when he said that therapy does seem to get harder, not easier… because each time we have to deal with something new, it is harder… it’s harder because the more we heal, more difficult things come up. But each time we start from a slightly stronger place. I know that is true of you as well, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

        Take care, and please keep on trying. 🙂

        Hugs
        Kerro

        • Thank you Kerro,

          I’ll also try to hold onto those words of comfort…

          I’m sorry if I was making DID sound like a special club, it’s not. The only thing is that it allows this negativity to take on a life of it’s own without your awareness of it. It can make that negativity dangerous quickly. I know that is possible for anyone with trauma related issues.

          Take care,
          CG

  3. I like how you have alla the separate thots are written down. My T likes it when I do that. She says I am ‘listening’ when I do that.
    Whatever.
    Jumbled.
    Jumbled, jumbled, jumbled.
    Thats what I hate MOST bout DD.
    The changeability. The utter changes.
    The confusion. The need for repitition over and over B4 I ‘get’ something.
    Or when I finally ‘get’ something, sometimes it seems so stupidly simple, I cannot understand how I could’nt have understood it B4? Its so obvo. Am I blind, stupid?
    FRUSTRATION for sure.
    But I keep going, cuz its my life and its just the way it is.
    Could be worse I reckon.
    I am fortunate cuz I not that dissociative, so I got it easy compareds to lots.
    But sometimes its kinda hard.
    Mega confusing.
    But I think you seem to be doing right things CG.
    Its a lifelong thing I’ve decided, so I just gonna plug away at living.
    I sure sorry bout your husband hurting you 😦
    But you safe now?
    If so thats good.
    I like your writings.
    I hope you don’t mind if I comment sometimes?
    If you mind, just don’t post them and I’ll get the hint and just read ! 🙂
    TC
    Ones

    • Hi Ones,

      Yes, the jumbled aspect of DID is hard to live with. We also need that repetition, especially if it’s a totally new idea. It’s not about being stupid, but about getting the knowledge to be accepted… that can be difficult if it’s changing the old coping mechanisms!

      You say you’re not “that” dissociative… I’ve found it’s never good to make comparisons that put down your own experiences. Any sort of dissociation can be hard to live with, so try not to minimise what you are going through.

      I’m sorry this comment was so long in moderation – I’ve just been trialled on a new drug which is making me very sleepy!

      Thanks for the compliment 🙂

      Take care,
      CG

      • “Getting the knowledge to be ACCEPTED””changing old coping mechanisms”…thats IT. You so GOT it!!!!! I just had an example TODAY! It was SO weird cuz allasudden, clear as a bell I had this *revelation* about therapy. SO clear it was. And then I tried to write it down to post it on a thread….and lost it….it was just gone, the understanding was just completely gone……I was so confused and frustrated.(oh I am ‘naming’ emotions! lol, my T would be proud!)
        But now I know WHY it lost! Wow a 2 insight day…not bad 🙂

        I dunno how DD I am and you right it don’t matter, but the scientist part of me is constantly trying to figger ‘where I am at’ in order to help me figger what is up w/me?! My T says my fragmentation w/lotsa fragments and not so clear parts does make it harder in many ways, cuz it harder to communicate.(but my 2 new insights should help!…when I re-remember the first one that is…)
        UGH, hope the sleepy passes soon 😦 I hate that. But I really, really, hope the new med gives you some releif.
        Thx for the insight!
        I dunno if I made much sense…just kinda a weird coincidence eh?!
        TC
        Ones

        • Hi Ones,

          I also struggle with wanting to know “where I am” on the dissociative scale, but I’m coming to accept that it isn’t important. What’s important is how I can heal.

          A 2 insight day is pretty awesome 🙂 I love those days, it makes it feel as if you’re getting somewhere.

          I think the worst of the sleepiness has passed (and I suspect that was mainly me catching up on lost sleep), thanks.

          Take care,
          CG

  4. I always think of healing as a spiral, it seems like I am back at the same place, but really I am on a different level and back at the same place. It never feels that way but I have come to accept that it is true.

    Anniversaries are real triggering and can make you feel like you are starting all over. I hope that soon you will feel better from that.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • Hi Kate,

      I think you’re right about the spiral. I often use the analogy that healing is like climbing a hill… you could go straight up, but often the path takes a wandering course that crosses over on itself and goes around. So I might be looking out over the same landscape, but I’m 50 metres further up the hill.

      The anniversary is knocking me around quite a bit, but I’m planning positive and soothing things on the dates to hopefully alleviate some of the triggers.

      Take care,
      CG

  5. I’ve been lurking and reading here for a couple of weeks. I’ve been reading Tempy for quite awhile now, and found you through her blog. I “unlurked” because I spent some time tonight looking at your Polyvore collages. You have an incredible talent. I’ve always been impressed with the Polyvore artists’ ability to communicate feelings and circumstances through their collages. I’ve never been as overwhelmed with emotion by the artwork there as I was through your collages. You had me crying because I felt like you saw my pain. I sat there saying, “yes, yes, yes, how does she know?” I know that you are expressing and communicating your own past and pain through your collages, but you have a gift of reaching out to others through your art. Your work is powerful, chilling, beautiful, emotional, “deep,” unique, and so much more. It is horribly sad that such horrific pain and sadness was the common thread running through most of the collages. Thank you for sharing it.

    ~m

    • Hi Mary,

      Thank you for your comments about my Polyvore work, but I’m also sorry that it (in some way) tells your story as well. Have you tried creating some sets on Polyvore? It is incredibly healing and such a great release to be able to get out some of the emotions that are eating away at you. If you want to give it a try, there are some tips in the help sections of Polyvore, or you can drop me a line – castorgirl@castorgirl.com and I’ll try to help if I can.

      I’m glad you commented 🙂

      Take care,
      CG

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