Quick update

This last week has been tough going for many reasons… It started with memories surrounding the peer sexual abuse we were involved in from ages 3-12 last Saturday, and went downhill from there.  The peer sexual abuse memories have raised issues surrounding accountability, who was to blame and why it happened.  None of these issues are resolved, and it has now escalated into being in a position where my every action is held up to the spotlight – with the view of assigning blame to myself.  It’s the young ones who are driving this viewpoint, and it’s almost impossible to counter their arguments.

The one good thing this week, was emailing Liz to describe in detail the different events which are causing stress and their effect on my life.  I did this because I realised how little I was communicating in session… so much of my time during sessions is spent sitting in mute chaos…  I’ll be sitting there with all of these conflicting messages and yelled instructions on what to say, but nothing will come out.

So I go into therapy tomorrow not knowing what to expect.  I have a feeling that I should probably be in hospital, so if Liz goes ahead with an admission or sectioning, I’ll try not to fight it…  But I know that I probably will…  I’ve got a lot of teaching happening at work this week.  Those work commitments will drive me to avoid hospital and the associated safety.  I can’t let others down, no matter what the personal cost…

—————-
Now playing: Five for Fighting – Superman (It’s Not Easy)
via FoxyTunes

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11 thoughts on “Quick update

  1. I’m sorry this week has been so hard for you, CG, but I’m really proud of you for emailing Liz to tell her how you really feel inside. To my mind that shows great courage and progress. 🙂

    Your commitment to your work is admirable, though you need to remember that you won’t be much use to anyone else unless you look after yourself first. Please, please try.

    Take care. ((hugs))

  2. hi castorgirl, it sounds like you’re in a lot of pain and inner conflict. i’m so sorry to hear that. i am not a therapist or expert, i’m just another person out there in the world trying to heal and figure things out for myself, but my instinct here is like kerro’s, that i think taking care of yourself is most important. i think if you feel the need to go into hospital, if you feel this would help you or ensure your safety, then i think that is what matters most.

    sometimes i think we get trapped in thinking we need to not “let people down” – but often i think this is an internalized messgage learned in abuse. that it is up to us to be what everyoe else needs and it is not ok to prioritize our own needs. sometimes we burn ourselves out trying to be everything for everyone else. but we can’t carry the world on our shoulders. we’ll just get exhausted.

    sending you peaceful thoughts and wishing you all the best~~

  3. Thank you both for your support. I’m really struggling at the moment, so all I can do is say thank you…

    Take care,
    CG

  4. Hope you doing ok.
    The only way I used to communicate was via email. I’d send t emails and then I couldn’t take them back. Then I’d go in and T would read them.
    I have a part that I assume must have some sort of decision making about who is to reply to T in session etc. Cuz usu it go ok now. Our answers still tend to be very short, but we are doing better.
    Sometimes we still stutter and kinda verbally flop about cuz for some reason we dunno who is to speak I guess. We also have times of muteness, but I go to the ‘nothing place’ in my head and usu things can settle some and there will be only one part speaking. I used to also switch like nuts. Now, not so much. There has always been continuity for the most part for me, but there is also greater cooperation somehow now.
    So the point of my saying all this, is to encourage you and give you hope. Cuz it DOES get better. It does.
    My T still seems to think ‘I’ can control who is there at any given time. For me, this is still not so, I don’t have a clue?! This may be cuz I am not super dissociative.
    As far as internal kids not listening. Well IMHO, its gonna take time to build trust w/them. Mine were abused by other parts inside. Treated very badly verbally and sometimes the body was injured.
    I thot they would never possibly trust us again, and for good reason, cuz we have said we are going to change but havn’t B4. But they are ever hopeful….it kinda breaks my heart in a way(well it causes alot of things like fear/rage/sad etc etc ect)but anyways…I dunno, but its like them kids got nothing to lose, so they keep trying, being willing to give the others a chance….eventually. They are extreemely wary, but hopeful in some way.
    So as far as accountability….sometimes I think thats a punish thing too….other parts punishing other parts, wanting to hurt them, wanting to be cruel 😦
    Kids too of course,think different than adults.
    This internal stuff is SO confusing and crazy and nuts. Its so frikken conveluted, I think it cannot possibly be so….but if I let go and ‘listen’….stuff falls into place. Over and over this happens, yet I still resist. Its too crazy.
    Takes time.
    So I hope you are ok.
    These are just some thots for you to think on.
    Cuz you need to have most of your parts on board IMHO B4 you dive into alot of processing. Its sounds like maybe you don’t? I dunno.
    Its hard dealing w/ikids. The way they think is SO different and seems silly to me.
    TC
    Ones

    • Hi Ones,

      Thanks for the comment. I’m sorry I can’t respond very well, we’re so tired from the fairly constant teaching we’re doing… I hope never to have to say the word “semiotics” again 🙂

      Take care,
      CG

      • LOL!!!! I just looked up ‘semiotics’ !!! OMG, made my head spin it did!!!!
        Well THAT will certainly keep the mind occupied!?
        Maybe thats a good thing in some ways?
        TC
        Ones

    • Thank you for stopping my Lindsey… I’m a fairly typical survivor when I put the needs of others ahead of my own. I don’t think I’ll ever fully break that need.

      I’ve been reading your blog for awhile and am impressed with how you all navigate through the twists and turns presented.

      Take care,
      CG

  5. Dear CG, I do hope you get the validation and support that you deserve. As you know, I think the blaming yourself is easier than placing that blame elsewhere. I hope you are able to see what is the truth.

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