The week that was…

To put the last week into context, it would help if I explained a little about the past month…  Probably 3 or 4 weeks ago, one of the young ones became convinced that she was an abuser.  We were part of peer sexual abuse from the ages of 3-10 or 12; and some of that included, what she considered to be, causing abuse towards other innocent children.  This was mentioned in session with Liz, but she dismissed it as learned behaviour from adults that was usual for a child with my history.  Our intellectual response to Liz was to agree, it made sense… but not to the young one, as she has no memory of being hurt by adults, only her peers and some teenagers.  This meant that the young one decided that we needed to die for hurting others – people often say that child abusers should be killed, so what made her any different?

Her belief that she was an abuser, was re-enforced by a recent newspaper article that stated children as young as 5 were being picked up by the police as sexual offenders…  Add on top of this, the on-going anxiety about having to go for an ACC assessment; the memories stirred up by the dissolution of the marriage; and hating our current job.  It all added up to a overwhelming mass of conflicting messages and emotions.  The end result was a suicide plan which was to take place yesterday.  On the way to this date, we ended up in the Police Station last weekend…  Sophie called the crisis line and said we were suicidal, which resulted in the Police being called out, and us ending up in a Police holding cell/interview room being assessed by a Police psychiatrist.  He was a very nice psychiatrist, and again tried to convince the young one that she wasn’t abusive, but she had the newspaper article as proof that she was evil…  To make it worse, she now had further proof of her evilness – she had been picked up by the Police…

Last Monday, we went into therapy with Liz needing to work through this belief about us being abusers and the suicide plans for the coming weekend.  Instead, Liz introduced DBT skills.  This isn’t anything against DBT, but it was like throwing a bucket of water on a forest fire… too little, too late.  Liz tried art therapy to try and get us to see that life was worth living, but she kept on hitting a brick wall because she was skirting around the issue and we needed to hit it face on.  Liz’ attempts were frustrating us both, to the point where she said “Do you want to stop therapy”.  She has said this to us on several occasions before, and each time we got the feeling that she was testing us, but this time it was the last straw…  we said “Yes” and left the office.

I know this could be seen as us lashing out with an emotional reaction, and it was in many ways.  But, there was also a feeling that Liz didn’t know what to do to help us.  This was confirmed on Wednesday when we went back for a meeting to see if the relationship could be salvaged.  Our position was that those words and actions made us feel rejected and as if we were too difficult to deal with.  Liz tried to assure us that this wasn’t the case and that she had been there for us.  But her actions and our expectations didn’t meet… that’s not to say that we were expecting 24/7 assistance from her; but many of our reasonable calls for assistance, were met with Liz passing us off onto the Crisis Team or ACC.

So, we’re no longer seeing Liz…

Due to the visit to the Police Station, the Mental Health Crisis Team have again become involved in our care.  This resulted in us having an emergency psychiatric appointment on Friday, where a very intense psychiatrist upped one of our meds and introduced another.  We’re very sensitive to medication – something I forgot to warn the psychiatrist about; so when we had the first night time dose of the new medication, we got about three hours of quite intense akathisia in the legs.  The next day we tried the daytime strength of the med and got about 3 hours of needing to rip our arms up, increased dissociation and anxiety.  The Crisis Team nurse tried to convince us that this was not tied to the medication in any way, and that we just needed to go for a walk…

So this brings us to today… the day after the young one had vowed to take an overdose.  Why are we still here?  Well, it turns out that the reason the suicide plans weren’t followed through was because of needing to fix our car.  I know it sounds silly, but all the motions were set in place for the suicide – house was cleaned, papers put into order and the final thing was to get a warrant of fitness for the car, but it failed.  Because we had to get it fixed, we ate into our savings which the young one had decided was enough for our funeral.  So now the suicide plans are put off until we can save more money for the funeral – she doesn’t want to leave any debt for others to be inconvenienced by.  I know that this is a tenuous reason to stay alive, but I’m hoping it will last us long enough to find some avenue for assistance.

So where to from here?  Well, I’m not really sure.  I see the Crisis Team psychiatrist again on Tuesday.  I was told by Liz that my ACC funding has run out, so the chances of finding a therapist who will accept a dissociative client through ACC is pretty slim.  I’m still waiting for the ACC assessment to determine what assistance I should be getting, and I just got the papers that I have to serve on the ex-husband’s parents to end the marriage.  So I’m in a fairly precarious situation and can’t really see a way out at the moment.  I’m not in any immediate danger – the fear of debt will keep the young one from acting on her plans for probably another few paydays… That gives me about a month to come up with something that will convince her that she’s not the most evil, disgusting thing on this Earth…

—————
Now playing: Green Day – Wake Me Up When September Ends
via FoxyTunes

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22 thoughts on “The week that was…

  1. I’m not really sure what to say, except that I’m sorry things are so hard for you right now, and that you have to spend so much time around stupid systems.

    I’m really glad that the young one found a reason not to do the unthinkable. Really REALLY glad.

    I hope the crisis team psychiatrist can give you the help (and hope) that you need.

    Please please hang in there.

    (((hugs)))

    • Thanks Kerro

      The crisis team psychiatrist is a very intense lady… She’s the sort of person who keeps on talking and then suddenly turns a decision on you – when you’ve sort of been lulled into a dissociative daze by her constant stream of chatter. I’ll see what happens on Tuesday when we go back to see her.

      Take care,
      CG

  2. You aren’t from the U.S. Do you mind if I ask where you are from? Okay not to give that out. It’s just that in the U.S. you would not have so many problems finding a therapist. I honestly don’t think you (or any part of you) want’s to die, I think you are crying out for help. Regardless of what I think, you have valid feelings and your needs are real. I sincerely hope you are successful in finding a good therapist. I will be worrying about you, please post regularly.

    • Hi Ivory,

      I live in a smallish city in New Zealand. There are a few therapists available, but so few take on ACC clients that the chances of me finding someone good is pretty slim.

      Unfortunately, there are quite a few parts who want to die for various reasons… But the plans of the young one are the most prominent that I’m aware of. I live with a constant level of suicidal ideation, and have done for many years. I agree some of this is just ideation, but some of it is real intent. Yes, there is an element of crying out for help – hence Sophie’s calls to the crisis lines the other weekend.

      Please don’t worry, if nothing else we are stubborn, so the plans won’t be carried out until the young one is satisfied that we have enough money saved. Thankfully the plans aren’t held by the ones who hate the mother and don’t care if she is left to cover our debt.

      Take care,
      CG

  3. i’m so sorry you’re in so much pain. and that your therapist was not able to provide you with the support you needed.

    i’m not a doctor or professional. i’m just another person out here who struggled with my own issues of abuse in childhood.

    but it seems to me like one problem with what your therapist said about your little one having a learned behavior from an adult, was the word “adult”. it sounds like your inner child learned the behavior from being harmed period. it doesn’t matter if it was from an adult or from other children or young adults who were also victims acting out abuse.

    what i see as the important distinction here is that when children act out the abuse done to them. they are not evil. they are still innocent victims trying to make sense of what happened to them. they need help. not persecution. not punishment. they need healing.

    i hope you are able to get the help you need. not just from the external resources which may be available to you. but also from within yourself.

    sending well wishes your way~

    • Hi Katie,

      I agree with what you say here on an intellectual level… The problem is that I’m not able to transfer this intellectual knowledge over into an emotional knowing for the young one.

      I might work on the knowledge that the abuse started and continued amongst peers… that is something that the young one might accept. Thank you.

      I always wondered how so many children during my childhood knew the sexualised play that led to the peer sexual abuse… But then you read the statistics about abuse and think that it is sadly, very possible.

      Take care,
      CG

  4. I am also glad you’re still here. I hope you can get help, something that is NOT a response of DBT or a “walk” when you are clearly in need of more!

    • Thanks Grace, I’m trying to get help… I’m just not sure what sort of help I need or where I can get it. I’m hoping that the psychiatrist on Tuesday can give me some more options.

      Take care,
      CG

  5. Hey, I’m really, really sorry that things are so hard for you right now.

    I feel especially bad for your young one – she sounds so responsible and caring, not at all the type that would abuse another person. Send her lots of love and care for me.

    • Thank you Sarah… The young one is incredibly responsible, which I think is part of the reason why she takes on all of this abuse and makes it her own…

      Take care,
      CG

    • Hi Sarah,

      I tried to find a way to comment on your latest entry in your blog, but failed miserably… So I’m going to comment here in the hope that you read this response through the comment subscription options…

      I’m really glad you reached out and that the experience was so positive. Many people consider suicide a taboo subject, so will avoid discussing it or listening to those who need a friendly ear for awhile. It sounds like you have some good friends around you… I’m glad as that can make this healing journey so much easier.

      I’m also glad you were able to avoid the self-soothing that could have led to triggers and flashbacks…

      Take care,
      CG

  6. I’m sorry. That sounds so overwhelming and you wrote about it in such a calm, matter-of-fact way. I’m also glad your little girl had one, little reason not to end it all.

    Have you been thinking about how to cope over the next several days?

    Thanks for writing and sharing your story about this past week (and month). I hope it helps somewhat to know that others are worried about you and keeping you in their thoughts and prayers.

    Lisa

    • Hi Lisa,

      Well this was mainly written by M, who is usually calm and matter of fact about everything… except a threat to the young ones she protects 🙂

      We’ll cope by going to work and going through the motions… It’s how we always cope, by staying as invisible as possible.

      It confuses us that people would be worried or keeping us in their thoughts… we can be concerned about others, but don’t understand or “get” why anyone would be concerned about us… But thank you anyway…

      Take care,
      CG

  7. I haven’t much time ATM.
    But I will add my ‘I am glad you are still here’, cuz I am.
    There is so much I understand and I don’t have time to do justice.
    There’s so much….
    One thot, can you give some $$ to charity that you like?
    Or, work less and do volunteer work?
    As for that s kid. She is not bad, she just isn’t, she is just a kid trying to figger stuff out.
    Noboddy is perfect, and ya, maybe we do stuff we regret, but the POINT is, we regret, we CARE, therefore we are NOT bad. Cuz if we were bad, then we wouldn’t care.
    So she not bad.
    As far as confused bout people ‘keeping you in thots’. Man I spent a CHUNK of my last session talking to T, she was tying to explain that I mattered. I couldn’t even understand what mattering was….T took a long time patiently trying to help me understand. I am working on thinking it thru, and I think me thinking bout how I feel about you, that you(alla you) matter, well, mebbe I can figger it some.
    I had peer sx stuff as a kid, doesn’t bother me, and I don’t think it was evil, just kidstuff that maybe went awry or something. I agree that I think its pretty common.
    My T has done some work w/sexualized kids, its one of her specialities. These kids are KIDS. They are not sex offenders. I want you to throw that newspaper artical away cuz its either you are misreading it, or its just a really dumb artical, so throw it away.
    Ask that kid, does she think I am evil? I have had many interactions w/police in the past, yet I am a caring Mom….
    Evil people DON’T care about hurting others, so most assuredly that ikid of yours is not evil.
    Sadly, it does sound like Liz wasn’t ‘getting’ it.
    DBT skills CAN be useful tho.
    Sorry this is choppy, I want to say so much….
    I am trying to check and respond to your words.
    That kid, if she is having a rough time, maybe she would come and help one of my ikids, cuz this kid is young and needs someone to care, but all the others keep rejecting it and refusing to listen to it cuz they think its just a gross ‘thing’. Your kid that is so s, well maybe she would care and say something nice to my ikid that noone will care for? Noone will touch?
    Cuz mebbe she understands a little how this ikid feels….its just little, don’t think it can talk.
    That way the kid will be HELPING another kid, and thats a good thing.
    We try and do good to make up for being such horrible teen punks. Kinda like making amends some. I think it helps us feel better some.
    Dunno, but I REALLY goto go.
    Hope you can be OK.
    Sorry if this is all messed, you don’t have to post, I won’t be offeneded.
    Got to go.
    Ones

    • Hi Ones,

      Thanks for the comment, it got me thinking 🙂

      I find it easier to care about others than myself… I don’t get that people would even notice if I wasn’t there.

      I don’t know what to think of the peer sexual abuse, and this is really what I need to work through with someone – find a way to untangle the mess of memories and emotions attached to it all.

      We don’t think anything less of other people, so while we can think we’re evil due to being picked up by the Police, we don’t think less of anyone else in a similar situation. It’s a double standard I know, but it’s there. So we know that you are a caring mother, but for us it’s tied to messages from our abusers.

      The young one who holds all this isn’t particularly friendly to others 🙂 She very much wants to stay invisible and doesn’t like even talking unless it’s absolutely necessary. So she would be polite to your ikid, but probably not the caring that is needed, I don’t know…

      Take care,
      CG

    • Y’know, I was thinking, re: the ‘caring’ thing. I will try not to get too philosophyish…
      Last week my T said to me , ‘I feel like I’m back in philosophy 101’. She followed that up by some positive comment, but really,it was a faux pas. LOL!
      But sometimes i do kinda get tangled up in trying to understand some concepts.
      So re: caring, or re: me caring about CG and her parts.
      Well I thot to myself, ok, if she did take herself out, what would that mean to ME? Why should it matter?
      Then I thot (hold on, here comes the philosophy!!)
      OK, if I came here repeatedly and there were no posts, I would be anxious, wondering.
      If you posted hear goodbye, my heart would hurt.
      WHY?
      I dunno, just that I been reading your stuff, and seen some of your vids etc. And its kinda like you have shared some of yourself in that way. So ya, I guess I would miss that you are no longer there. I enjoy comming to your blog and posting.
      And ya, it helps me too.
      My T ‘last session said that she ‘takes care of me’, or something like that. LOL! I just swore at her and told her i take care of myowndarnself and don’t need her at all. She says, ‘what do I do for you?’. I said i dunno, and she said she ‘LISTENS’, to me. That is why some parts are attached to her (we were also talking attachment).
      Just cuz she listens.
      So some parts ‘care’ about the T.(GAG me man,UGH)
      So now again I go back to CG. Why do I care?
      So ya, one thing is I would miss seeing her writings.
      The other thing that would make me sad is the loss of her presence here on earth. She is a spark, a life, a potential. Somehow, that is hugely important and I don’t know why. its like we are all part of this fabric of life, so we all matter. Just like my parts have an efect upon the whole of me. Each of us humans have an effect upon the world in so many small ways. We matter. It just is.
      Nother thing, is I am doing better in many ways, and I would hate for you not to experience that. Cuz it feels pretty darn good.
      Cuz i can SEE better now, more often. I am not lost in the confusion so much.
      Its interesting to figger stuff out, to see stuff.
      I look forward to feeling better and seeing beauty more often.
      I look forward to helping others. Cuz that really helps me to feel better.
      Anyways, got to go again.
      Also regarding T. If you can’t find any T’s in your area, maybe you can go farther afield say 1x/mo, and do phone sssions in btwn? You can use your funeral stash for that….
      Or if a T is willing to learn, and have supervision w/a experienced DD T, then that might be doable. But they have to be really commited to learning, and have patience and a sharp mind.
      ugh, ok , got to run.
      TC
      Ones

      • Hi Ones,

        I can easily understand the concept of me missing someone else, but I can’t see that anyone would miss us. I know this is tied to messages from the past and our self-worth, but it’s there.

        Sorry, I forgot to say that I agree DBT has it’s merits, but it was a too little, too late in that situation. It felt very random and as if Liz was throwing things at me because she had run out of options.

        The Crisis Team psychiatrist was going to contact Liz and see if she had some options regarding potential therapists… I’ll find out this afternoon whether she could think of anyone. The town I live in doesn’t have any DD specialists, or really any trauma specialists that I know of.

        Take care,
        CG

  8. Many here are worried about you and thinking of you, but I also know, how very difficult it’s to understand this. How can we understand something we didn’t know our entire life?

    I’m glad that the little one has found a reason not to take the overdose. I have noticed that it’s often difficult to explain something appropriate for children, so the kids can understand and accept it. I have the same problem at the moment and maybe I should write a post on our blog.

    Please take care and try to find help.
    Thinking of you ((((()))))

    • Thank you LostShadowChild…

      We read your blog and we are so so sorry…

      Please take care of yourselves and take comfort where you can.
      CG

  9. Your having to find treatment in the way you are forced to is, to me, a huge barrier to healing. You try so hard, and to be continually met with roadblocks is so upsetting to me. You absolutely don’t deserve that. You also didn’t deserve Liz bailing on you. I hope you get some help from the ACC psychiatrist. ((( hugs to all of you )))

    • Hi Paul,

      I’ve just come back from the psychiatrist… Liz has told the psychiatrist that I am blocking my progress or hit a roadbump, and this is the reason why I stopped seeing her… Maybe I am? I hardly know one day from another, so who’s to say I’m not doing a classic bailing when the going gets tough? I now doubt my every action, word and thought. These people are experts at this healing thing, I’m a rank amateur… maybe they’re right and I’m wrong. I don’t have a good history with being right about these things.

      Take care,
      CG

  10. Pingback: Reflections: Part II | Scattered pieces

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