Changing of the guard

Over the last week, I’ve felt what I can only describe as a changing of the guard.  I’m not sure what it means, or what the impact will be, but there is a definite internal shift.  There are ones coming forward who haven’t been active in over ten years… ones who love going out to pubs, ones who love socialisation and hate the insular life we now lead.  This all sounds really positive; but it also means more lost time, as these ones have little understanding of the rest of the system, and almost no motivation to learn.

I don’t know what this will mean long term, and I know it’s probably a reaction to starting with a new therapist.  But it’s scary…  It’s also raises the question as to “who is the real me?”  Maybe I’m the autonomous imposter?  Maybe these parts are the “real castorgirl”?  They sure live more than I do.


14 thoughts on “Changing of the guard

  1. I think that would be scary, too. Is there a chance that parts have integrated without telling you?

    Do you think you are trying to protect yourself with the new therapist? Sort of downplay how DID is really affecting your life?


    • I’m not sure… I’m totally lost as to what’s going on. It could be the reaction to all the stress I’ve been under lately. I know that I should have done a blog post reflecting on the process of finding a new therapist by now, but I haven’t been able to do it… I’ve been avoiding it and distracting in any way I can.

      I just don’t know anymore… Well, I do know that my tolerance of myself is at an all time low… Even I can’t stand to be around me!

    • I’ll talk to her next week, but I have a feeling I’ll be all numb by then… Numb isn’t quite the right word, but sort of zoned out about it all. I know it’s stress overload 😦

  2. Sounds a bit like what I’m going through… I think try to roll with it as best you can. Try to learn as much as you can along the way. The lost time is unsettling, I know. But these parts have a right to exist and may actually help you. The default is that you will not know so much. But if you pay attention and work hard, then this could be a real positive change for all of you. At least that’s how I try to think of all of this when it comes to me.

    • I don’t want to deny them the chance to exist, but some co-operation would be good… But then, maybe I’m wanting co-operation on my terms, and they will only do co-operation on their terms…

      I’m trying to be more aware, and we managed to work well over the weekend when we took some photos – they see the world quite differently. They want to do more social based healing work – like going to Al-Anon, but others in the system have such a negative reaction to the faith based principles of the program, that I’m not sure if it will work.

      Take care,

  3. Also don’t know what to say but just want to let you know that I’ve been here and I feel for you. I know it can be hard starting with a new T.

    All the best,

  4. Hi castor, sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. Adjusting to big changes can have aftereffects on me that I don’t always recognize or understand. Especially right away while I’m in the moments.

    Also, I can relate to your feelings about the spirituality aspect of 12 step programs. I don’t even like the term higher power. But I get so much out of it lately. I sure wish I could get to a mtg. Being around other people in recovery can be so helpful. Good luck on whatever you decide to do there!

    • Hi Katie,

      I was wondering your thoughts on the faith based aspects of the program. I can understand the benefit of the supportive environment, but I’m not sure if my issues with faith would over-power everything else and make it a negative experience instead of positive. It’s something I’m going to bring up in therapy next week.

      Aren’t you able to attend meetings at the moment?

      Take care,

      • hi castor,

        i’m a stay at home parent and my partner works and goes to school full time and i haven’t had the nerve to leave our daughter in any sort of daycare or with a babysitter yet, so for the moment, i really don’t get free time. so i get my support and inspiration for recovery here in the blogworld and in my own reading. i have alanon and codependent recovery literature, and then i follow a few 12 step blogs from people who attend meetings regularly and share their wisdom. i get a lot from all this. i hope to attend meetings in the future in person. for now, there are also online 12 step meetings. i attended one once and it was allright. i remember really liking going in person when i was in college.

        as for the faith part, i have tried to work out my own understanding of how to apply the program to myself (i’m sort of an agnostic humanist with baggage related to religion). which basically means i do some translating.

        e.g. i can’t say “let go and let god” so i say to myself “just let it go” or “let go and let things be” 🙂 i think the point of the higher power is to help us feel a greater sense of trust in the universe instead of feeling that everything is up to us and we have to control everything. and that’s part of what makes us miserable, so the function of the higher power is to help us surrender feeling the need to be in control all the time, living in fear, unable to relax and enjoy life, etc. i don’t have a higher power and don’t really like the term. for me, i guess the best translation i’ve come up for that, is that i feel i’m a part of the whole universe, and in that way am a part of something larger than myself that has it’s own working order outside of my own personal world of insecurities and issues. and times when i can step outside of my own ego and just be, are moments i’m closer to feeling better in general, and more a part of the world as a whole.

        am i making any sense whatsoever? 🙂 this is all stuff i’ve been thinking about lately and haven’t really tried to express to anyone. you asked and i just started going on and on. thanks for asking 🙂 and hope this is of some help or interest to you~~~

        • Hi Katie,

          Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate hearing your opinion. I have similar issues with religion to you, so was wondering how you worked with the faith based ethos that is present in the program. I understand the need to feel as if you are part of something bigger… I’m not sure if I can do that, as I’m such a control freak. But then, part of my healing is about placing myself in an appropriate context within the world – I don’t think I’m the centre of the world, or that the world owes me a living; but I don’t trust anything or anyone else.

          Thank you again, I really do appreciate what you’ve shared both here and on your blog.

          Take care,

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