You shall not pass!

You shall not pass!
You shall not know.
You will never know.
It will destroy you to know.
I will destroy you, before the secrets are told.

This message has been driving my existence for the last week (month?). D. One from my internal Basement has drawn, what can only be described as, battle lines. There’s no give, little communication and no trust. She’s said several times that she hates the rest of us, and has apparently sworn at Allison – not something that I would do.

The problem… We’re getting closer to her secrets, or the secrets in The Basement. This has been deemed as too dangerous for the system by D. One. This is a Polyvore set done last night to prove the point.

You shall not pass!

What surprises me, is that it looks rather tame in comparison to some of the other works that have involved her (for example D. One). But, it more clearly shows the dissociative wall she is protecting.

As an aside, she was associated with fire and a serpent in the last set, but now it’s birds and trees?

Last week, it became obvious what she will do to protect that wall. It wasn’t pleasant.

As a result, the mother is now staying with us. Those of you familiar with this blog, will know that the mother has a tendency to grate, annoy and trigger different parts of the system. She was psychologically abusive and neglectful during my childhood, and parts felt betrayed and hurt by her. Saying that, there are parts of the system who love, cherish and want to have a relationship with her. At the moment, for our safety, she is being tolerated by us all.

I keep on wondering what all of this activity by D. One means… Reflection is my key to healing and understanding. But yet, I find it almost impossible to reflect on the actions of the past week. I find it difficult to put them into context. If D. One was so stead fast in her rules of no more secrets being shared, why was a young one allowed to talk to Allison on Friday? It doesn’t make sense. Admittedly, there were no secrets shared, it was a very narrow flashback being described, but I’m struggling to make sense of it all.

One good thing about the mother coming up, is that she has again validated some memories, either through mentioning suspicions, or by describing vehicles that were either used, or around during my childhood. I know this is a double edged sword – if she had suspicions, why didn’t she act to protect us? Possibly this goes back to what Paul was discussing when he gave a brief overview of how societies attitude towards CSA has changed over time? Possibly, it’s because we were a white, middle class family? Possibly, it’s because the mother is a nurse who was clinical, rather than emotional and nurturing? All I know, is that it hurts that there were seemingly obvious signs and suspicions, which were ignored. I also know, that this is a similar story for thousands of other survivors.

So where to from here? Well, in just over two weeks, I have an ACC assessment. I’ve been assured by people I trust, that the assessing psychiatrist is good. But, it means describing my dysfunction, past and struggles with someone new. The results of this assessment will determine whether we still will receive ACC funded therapy, or not. We’re expecting to get our funding withdrawn – either because we haven’t shown enough progress, or because ACC will consider us to be better off in the public health system.

This assessment is what is destabilising the system. This is what is ramping up D. One’s activities… The difficult part, is that even once the assessment is over, it could take months for the results to come through. I’m not sure whether the system can cope with that sort of delay.

On a positive note… Two of my favourite blog distractions at the moment are DogHouse Diaries and Message with a bottle. As a warning, the first is a sarcastically funny take on relationships, and the second is a photo diary by a stay at home father of post-it-notes to, and about his son. I add the warning, as I know many of us struggle with fertility issues…

Now playing: P!nk – Trouble
via FoxyTunes


15 thoughts on “You shall not pass!

  1. CG, I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time lately, and that you have to endure the ACC assessment. I am glad, though, that your mother is there. As annoying and grating as she might be, having someone else there might be the best thing. I don’t know.

    Sending you all my love and lots of ((warm safe hugs))

    • This time, I think the mother is really trying. Yes, one of her first comments was that I needed a haircut… and the talk about validating the memories became all about her than anything to do with me… But, I think she is trying.

      Her presence also means that we get to be at home… We appreciate that greatly.

      Thanks for the love and hugs… both very much appreciated at the moment.

      It’s sort of funny, WPT has been regularly checking in with us… very unexpected and sort of comforting.

      (((warm safe hugs)))

  2. Dear castor, I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling unsafe and that you have to go through an assessment. but I too am glad that your mother could go stay with you and that she can provide some support to you during this time. Though I understand very well the mixed feelings there. I love my mother though she has had flaws in my life including being critical of my appearance and being an inadequate protector. I found I had to deal with my anger at her separately, but like you, there were good things about the relationship that made it worth preserving and helped me in my healing. I hope this time passes and things go well for you. It seems important that while being around your mother and thinking about how unprotective she was that D. One would be so active, as it seems this is a protective part of you. Maybe it is trying to make up for how she failed you. Sending love and safe warm hugs, if wanted.

    • Hi Katie,

      The reason for the mother being here was because of the actions of D. One… With the original trigger being the ACC assessment. So the mother arriving was the final action, rather than the precipitating one 🙂

      The emotions associated with the mother are complex. I don’t understand most of them. In many ways she is toxic, but there is still a desire to have a “mother” or the idea of a mother.

      I’m glad you could develop your relationship with your mother in a positive way… one in which it helped you to heal.

      D. One is protective, but not in a positive way. I might be able to write more about her and last week later on as a way to clarify what happened. But I’m not sure.

      Love and hugs are always welcome… Thank you.

      Sending love and warm safe hugs..
      Take care,

  3. I don’t know what to say. It sounds scary and dark, but you have someone there and I hope that’s some comfort.

    I wish I could do artwork like you. Things inside might make more sense. D. One uses very archetypal images. Does that help you understand the meaning?


    • Hi Lisa,

      I’ve never studied Art, symbolism, literature or anything that would have given me a clue to think through the images associated with D. One. But now that you’ve mentioned it, I did some quick searching and it seems to make sense… Thank you!

      The mother being here isn’t all that helpful. She triggers and is incredibly unaware of her impact on us. But her presence means I don’t have to be in the over-crowded psychiatric ward. So, I’m thankful for that.

      I might write about last week. I’m not sure.

      Take care,

  4. Still here. Glad you are not in the hospital (hate hospitals). We have recently made progress with an alter part who seems to have similarities to D. One. This part is now actively working with us. It took a few weeks, very hard work, very emotional, but we did it. If you want the details, feel free to email me.

    Safe (((CG))) if that’s okay.


    • I hate hospitals too… especially psychiatric wards. I know there are good ones out there, but they’re too triggering for me.

      I read your posts on your blog about your work, and I’d be interested in reading what you would be willing to share. I’ll email you later, if that’s ok. We’re still pretty fragile, so trying not to do too much of anything.

      (((warm safe hugs))) to those who want them,
      Take care,

  5. (((((((CG)))))))

    I am reminded of the trite saying that, “you are only as sick as your secrets.” Taking it slow is key. It respects your own progress and yourself.

    I see in the picture you emerging with some hope and darkness. Also, feeling like you are getting to the root of things.

    • Hi CC,

      Thank you for your kind words… I hope I’m emerging from the darkness, I really do.

      Yes, the assessment is less than a fortnight away… so the anxiety is getting ramped up, but there have been changes to the ACC system which means it’s less likely that my funding will be cut.

      I hope you had a great birthday!

      Take care,

  6. I understand the anxiety so well, but I have the trust, that you will handle it. Please remember, it’s not the first one you went through and you always managed it in the past. Trust your strength. I hope the changes in the ACC are a real advantage that you get further help.
    sending you loads of hope and strength ((()))

    • We didn’t manage it so well in the past… So, while I appreciate your faith and trust in us, I think it’s sadly misplaced.

      ACC have made some more changes in their handling of Sensitive Claims due to the public backlash, and findings of the review board. But, I don’t think it will directly affect me.

      Take care,

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