Beaches and memories

I’m writing this entry from a hotel by the beach… Out one window is the view of a bay, out the other is a glimpse of the ocean…  It’s beautiful.

I wish my state of mind matched the beauty surrounding me, but it doesn’t.  Instead it’s a floating mess of past and present memories…  It’s a harsh reminder that no matter how far I run, the problems will follow me until I work them through.

I hate that.

I knew it was risky coming to the beach, but I didn’t realise the memories and issues it would throw at me.  A combination of being in a hotel; by a beach similar to the one where I grew up; and the psychiatric assessment on Tuesday, has opened old wounds.  To top it off, the free cable channels in the hotel are the Rugby ones… just typical!  Why couldn’t they be the kids, movies or arts channels… why????

The fall-out from the psychiatric assessment on Tuesday has been severe.  I made many mistakes, thereby giving ACC lots of ammunition to use as a way of apportioning away responsibility to other issues.  In fairly typical fashion, I’m beating myself up for it.

I won’t know the results of the assessment for several months.  The psychiatrist assured me that he would recommend that I continue to get ACC funded therapy.  But, I was honest about my level of dysfunction and self-injury, so ACC might decide in peer review that I need to be in the hospital system or forced into DBT.  Then there’s the issue of determining my level of impairment… this is a brutal system, and one that has been harsh for me in the past.  I’m expecting it to be just as harsh this time around…  This will have little to do with the assessing psychiatrist, and more to do with the peer reviewers at ACC.

The assessing psychiatrist understood DID, he really “got” it… One of the last questions he asked was how long we’d been talking, B had just come forward again, so thought it had just been a few minutes… it had been over an hour.  B then noticed that the sunlight had moved across the floor… she forgot to check the agreed upon marker of time before answering him…

One of the things we did to try and ease the stress of the assessment, was to produce a summary of our life.  It was harsh to see our SA experiences summarised in a dozen bullet points on half a page.  That summary was difficult to write… one line alone took 4 hours… we finally admitted in writing that the father abused us.  It is now on our ACC records.  That makes it official… scary… overwhelming… disgusting… shameful… ugly…

Sorry, I know this is disjointed…

—————-
Now playing: Blindspott – Phlex
via FoxyTunes

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25 thoughts on “Beaches and memories

  1. You did your best.

    You did your best.

    All of you.

    I hope you can be soothed by the beauty around you and put your worries away for a while.

    Safe hugs (((CG)))

    Dawn

    • Hi Dawn,
      Thank you for the reassurance.
      It’s difficult not to beat myself up. In many respects being assessed by the psychiatrist who understood DID made it scarier, as we were less guarded.
      I’ll go down and watch the ocean for most of the day tomorrow. Hopefully that will ease the internal tension.
      Take care, and thank you for your latest post,
      CG

  2. you have written it…
    know, how it feels…
    believe you, how difficult this was…
    that such one line has taken 4 hours…
    hope all are safe
    hope this information is safe in ACC
    you are so brave and courageous
    all of you
    hope you can find some relief and easing
    maybe you can take some photos
    from beach and ocean
    would like to see a beautiful place
    we live on the dark side

    • Hi LSC,

      We did a really quick video on the iPhone of the place we were staying, we’ll put it up later today or tomorrow – the video will make you laugh as Sophie is talking in it :)) We have photos too, just in case it scares someone inside to hear Sophie on the blog 🙂

      I don’t trust ACC at all. They have lost, twisted and mishandled our information in the past. That was the danger of talking to this psychiatrist, we were very open with him, which was scary later. We trust him, but we don’t trust the organisation that he has to report to with our information.

      I’m sorry you live on what you call the dark side… sometimes that can be about our mental health and outlook, sometimes it can be about the physical environment we’re in.

      Sending you positive thoughts and (((warm safe hugs))) to those who want them 🙂
      CG

      • I’m not LSC
        the dark side is where the shadows are
        little ones are afraid of the shadows
        I love them
        you can hide in the shadows
        I’m healthy and strong
        I feel no pain
        ACC seems to be bad

        • Hi,

          I’m sorry to get your name wrong. I thought there was someone else writing, but I didn’t know who it was.

          We have a dark side too… one totally in the shadows. For us, it’s where the ones who were subjected to the most abuse live. They are strong, but hurting. Which seems like a contradiction, as they also feel no physical pain, but the emotional pain they carry is immense. We’re trying to talk with them more, but it’s not working very well.

          Do you talk to the others or your thera? I hope so, it seems like your thera is really good and trustworthy.

          Yes, ACC is bad, very bad.

          Take care and with the (((warmest and safest of hugs))) only if it is wanted,
          CG

          • names can hurt
            you can be called when they know your name
            names are not good
            you can’t hide when they know your name
            all of us who are living in the shadows are strong
            I don’t talk with the others or with our thera
            but I listen and look and hear
            sometimes I sneak out when the others are to weak to hold me back
            hope the one who call herself LSC won’t read what I have written
            it was a mistake
            but I’m curious
            I’ve heard so much
            what is a hug, you have mentioned it twice

            • Hi,

              Because I respect LSC, and consider her a friend, I will remove what she wants me too. I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable here. But, I do hope that by publishing what you’ve written, she will get a chance to hear you, as you hear her 🙂

              A hug is a show of support and comfort. Because we will never meet, and we are communicating online, a virtual hug can mean anything positive that you want it to be… traditionally it is when you hold someone with the utmost care and gentleness. There is no hurt or negativity. A hug is given out of respect, caring and understanding.

              But, to many people that have been hurt, a hug is a scary thing, because it implies physical contact. That is why I say that they are only given if wanted, and that they are safe hugs.

              Sometimes, instead of someone giving us a virtual hug, I imagine them smiling at us with kindness. This helps the younger ones feel safe and cared for.

              We also have many who refuse to give their name… especially to our thera 🙂

              Take care and be safe,
              CG

    • Yes, if you went for a walk on Wednesday afternoon and saw a crazy woman on the beach alternating between collecting shells and crying… that was us 🙂 We also went out on Thursday taking photos, but there were lots of people around, so we got scared.

      We’re about to go out with the mother, but will put the video up later… We left the hotel too late, and it started raining when we made the video… We should have done it on Thursday, but took the camera and forgot the iPhone.

      Aimee kept on looking at people, wondering if they were you 🙂 If we’d been healthier and more centered, we would have contacted you to let you know we were over your way, but we were too scattered to be safe to even talk to.

      Take care,
      CG

    • sure it’s too scary
      when you can hide, no one sees you
      no one can hurt you
      still hope for the pictures
      have heard from such places
      like to see a place like this
      only if possibly
      don’t want hurt someone

      • Hi,

        We put it up on YouTube, but can’t put it on the blog… here’s the link –

        . It was raining, so it doesn’t look all that pretty. We’re editing the photos now, so they will be up over the next day or so 🙂

        Take care,
        CG

        • have looked on it and read it
          wish I had more time outside
          so much to see and to learn
          Sophie is younger than CG, isn’t she?
          have to learn to express what I feel
          it’s so much and overhelming
          thank you Sophie
          like your voice
          rain is good
          you can drink the rain when you need it
          I love the rain
          rain don’t hurt, rain helps

          • Hi ya,

            It’s Sophie here 🙂

            Yes, I’m younger than CG, I’m 16. I do some of the daily activities like interacting with the students at work.

            Most people can’t hear me when I talk 🙂 I need to talk a little more loudly, but I just can’t seem to be able to.

            We love the rain. Sometimes we dance in the really heavy summer rain. It’s winter here, and it’s been raining a bit too much, but we still like it.

            Maybe you can ask for more time out? Some time with your thera to help you work everything through? It will help you, and all the others too??

            Take care,
            Sophie 🙂

            • Hi Sophie,
              you can go outside whenever you want?
              without a fight?
              you don’t have to sneak out?
              ask for more time
              this would mean, that I would have to talk with them
              maybe this is dangerous
              don’t know whom I can trust
              the thera don’t speak my language very well
              I always would need someone to translate
              Sorry to CG because I can’t answer her last post
              there’s no reply button
              maybe I write too much
              I’m sorry
              but thank you for the explanation
              I must think about it. I don’t know this.
              Take care
              thank you for your kindness

            • Hi ya,

              Well I can go out easily at work, but I’m often too shy to come out when there are other people around. I quite often talk to our thera… she’s really nice and is trying to understand us.

              I don’t know how dangerous it would be to talk to the others, but how dangerous is it not to? It sounds like it would be positive for you to talk to your thera or the others. It might help them and you. Sometimes we’re scared of things because we don’t know about them… like we get scared of S because of some of the things she does. But now that she’s talked to friends and our thera a little bit, we’re not as scared of her and understand her a little more.

              You didn’t write too much… I think the template we’re using for the blog only allows for 5 replies. But you can just reply to the latest comment that has the reply icon and it will appear at the end of the conversation 🙂

              Can you email your thera if you aren’t sure about talking to them verbally? If you write to them, then they can put the text through a translation thing online (like Google Translate), or you can put it through the translator and send them the translation. You don’t need to worry about Google keeping what you have written, it doesn’t keep a memory or recording of what goes into the translation bit. It isn’t totally accurate, but what it produces is usually understandable 🙂

              We like LSC, that means we like all of you 🙂

              Take care and thank you for trusting us enough to talk to us,
              Sophie 🙂

              PS you can email us anytime if you want to. We don’t mind if you want to test out things with us, but it would be really good if you could communicate with the others or your thera 🙂

  3. Just wanted to let you know that I think you are incredibly brave. I can’t imagine how it must be to navigate a system that seems bent on discharging you. You did your best which is all that matters. It sound like you really took charge by writing the list too.

    • Hi Sanity,

      Thanks 🙂 The list was part of a 7 page document I produced to outline my life, the abuse and the impact it has had on my life. I did it as self-preservation. I knew that the psychiatrist would need to know the incidents, as the list ACC had seemed to have was incorrect. I also knew that there was no way that I could talk about it within the assessment without there being huge fall-out.

      There were a couple of articles in today’s newspapers which indicate why ACC is bent on discharging me – as well as denying over a thousand other SA victims access to therapy. I’m going to write a quick post about the articles now.

      Take care,
      CG

  4. I’m sorry CG. What you see as troubling, I see as positive. I think it’s great the psychiatrist “got it” and I have high hopes that the assessment will go well. I would take him at his word.

    I thought what you wrote, “the problems will follow me until I work them through”, was really good to hear. I am very hopeful that you will work things through. You get huge kudos for all the hard work you’ve been putting in lately.

  5. I’m going to send nothing but positive thoughts and I’m going to use my jedi mind tricks to make all the decisions come out in your favor 🙂
    I’m also going to add my agreement to everyone’s thoughts that you did the best that you could. There is no failure with you, there’s a failure in the mental health system, actually in all of them no matter what country you live in. Everything’s going to be alright 🙂

    • Hi tai,

      Jedi mind tricks gratefully accepted 🙂

      You’re right, there’s failures in each mental health system that I’ve been told about from around the world. Doesn’t do much to dispel the stereotypes and ignorance surrounding those who have a mental illness.

      Hope you’re right about everything being ok…

      Take care,
      CG

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