Moving & a quick update

Last night, through wizardry of the programming kind, this blog was moved to a new domain – I am assured by said wielder of wizardry, that you will still get this update through your RSS feeds.  But it will mean that those of you still interested in reading my ramblings, may have to update your RSS feeds, and your email address book to

I am still in the process of testing all the links etc to see if any are broken, so please be patient, and feel free to report any issue you find to the email address above.

There  has been a great deal happening over the last two weeks, much of it lost in a haze of too much work and not enough sleep.  In addition, last week Cloudie passed away.  Cloudie was my neighbour during my childhood, she would work in her garden and not reject my attempts to join her.  Her funeral is tomorrow in my home town, I won’t be going down for it, as it will be too triggering and is a private funeral.  Instead, I’m hoping to take the afternoon off work and go take photos in the local gardens.

On the good news front, I have confirmation from ACC that are going to continue to support my therapy.  When I see the people around New Zealand that have struggled, and failed to get continued assistance, this places me in a position of gratitude and guilt.

At the end of the week, my team leader arrives back from her holiday.  Hopefully then, I can breathe and catch-up on life.

Now playing: Osmo Vänskä & Minnesota Orchestra – Symphony No. 3 in E Flat Major, Op. 55, “Eroica”: I. Allegro con Brio
via FoxyTunes


31 thoughts on “Moving & a quick update

  1. Hi CG

    Just wanted to say how sorry I am that your friend Cloudie passed away. I know she’d been ill for a long time, so I hope this brings peace to her and her family. I know tomorrow will be a hard day for you – I do hope you can take some time to grieve and mark her passing. The gardens and photos sound like a lovely way to do that.

    Great news re the ACC funding – I hope that’s the last time you have to jump through one of their hoops!

    I got your update in my RSS feeder, even without me updating it, so that’s some clever wizardry out there. 😉

    Take care. ((hugs))


    • Hi Kerro,

      Thanks. Yes, it’s been over a year since Cloudie first became seriously ill. Far too long. I’m glad her suffering is over. I’m hoping to take the afternoon off, but I’m not sure as we’re so short staffed at work. Will see what happens…

      It’s a mixed blessing about ACC. I hear of those who don’t get coverage, and have no where else to go. Just awful. But, as Annelise says below, I need to accept the help and make the most of it – something that I think is finally starting to happen.

      Ah yes, the magic wizardry of programmers… I made a small change to the coding last night and was shocked when it worked. In contrast, when the wizards make it work, they smile and casually say “try it now” 🙂

      Take care (((warm safe hugs)))

    • Hi gracie,

      WordPress is still safe, there’s no need to move. We’re still using it, but have changed the domain or URL in which it’s based. We did the change so that people who search for “castorgirl” are not as likely to find this blog near the top of the results. So the change was all about trying to make us feel safer.

      So, it’s ok… no need to worry 🙂 If we were worried about WordPress, we would email you immediately and let you know.

      I hope the day over your way is as beautiful as it is here!!

      Take care,

  2. I’ve been thinking of you this week. I hope you’ve found the warm weather uplifting. Please enjoy the relief of knowing that your therapy will be funded. You’ve been under a lot of pressure and you deserve to let the anxiety lift for a while!

    I felt the guilt too – I got a similar letter a couple of months back and my first reaction was that other people needed the funding more! I had to be reminded all over again that I deserve to be well. Something that’s so easy to forget…

    And my feed worked just fine 🙂

    • Hi Annelise,

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who had that reaction to the letter. I am grateful, incredibly grateful. But, there is that “but…” thing hanging there. I know life isn’t fair, I just hate to be reminded of it.

      You’re right, we do deserve to be well. It would be a waste of the funding, if we didn’t make the most of the opportunity we’ve been given.

      The warm weather is a welcome relief for the whole country 🙂 We’ve just had the first fine weekend we’ve had in what seems like forever!

      Take care,

  3. Hi CG,
    I’m so sorry that your friend Cloudie has passed away. I’m so sorry for your loss. 😦
    I’ve read, that she has saved you many times. I’m glad she was there. I hope she has now found freedom. Cancer is a terrible illness.
    I’m glad of the news from the ACC. Wonderful news. I understand the feeling of guilt. The only thing we can do is work hard on our healing.
    I like your new domain name. We here have argued a lot about our name and the ending of the domain. “.org” fits 🙂 The RSS feeds works fine.
    Thinking of you. Warm safe hugs to all who wants them.
    Take care. (((((CG)))))

    • Hi LostShadowChild 🙂

      Thank you, we were really badly affected last week with her death, then it all got stamped down. I think it will be a rough time tomorrow too, not sure. If we do positive distraction, we’re hoping to get through it without too much fall-out.

      It is good news about ACC. I now have to wait on the full report, to see what the assessing psychiatrist said. The letter gave only the diagnoses update and that we were still covered, nothing more.

      I’m glad you like the new domain name 🙂 We were worried about the move, and there was huge panic whenever we thought of it. Thankfully the IT whizz did it all for us 🙂

      Take care and (((warm safe hugs))) to all who want them 🙂

  4. It is good to see the move as such went well. Everything should update itself automatically 🙂

    Although I would feel guilty if for some reason I got ACC funding, don’t feel too guilty about getting funding and not use it.

    There are obviously others who need the funding just as much as you do, but hopefully those people who know you or read your blog get hope from the fact you have funding and have a better chance of getting well.

    The positives in someone else’s life can be yours as well. We all feel better when we know friends are getting looked after.

    • Ah, the words of another IT wizard 🙂 I know that it should all update, but my anxieties mean that I will be checking it all, just to make sure. It’s not that I don’t trust wizards of the programming variety, I don’t trust that I did some of the shifting!

      You know that I read Danielle’s blog… While I don’t know all of the details, it does my head in to know that she needs help, but is struggling to get it. I don’t know how I’d feel if the situations were reversed. But, I know I’d be seriously annoyed if someone had the funding and didn’t take advantage of it in every way they could.

      Thanks Chris…
      Take care,

      • “IT wizard” haha I have been called other names, but not that. It is a good idea to check everything, I do that at work too… dun trust nobody and sometimes software does strange things :p

        Well I feel I am talking behind her back (sorry Danielle). You know her better than I do, but she seems a kind and caring person and would be happy that you got funding. Although I imagine it will also be frustrating to not have it. Anyway it is a step in the right direction by ACC and National.

        I hope today has gone OK and you have some good photos.

        • A person after my own heart – “dun trust nobody and sometimes software does strange things” 🙂

          Based on my interactions with her, Danielle is kind and caring. I’m ever hopeful that the review panels recommendations will allow more people to access the care they need. My pessimistic/realist side isn’t convinced, but there has to be hope.

          I forgot about the school holidays when I thought of the photos… I was overrun by children and frustrated parents 🙂 As I can’t handle crowds or loud noises very well, I wasn’t able to do the wandering visit I was hoping for. But I’ll try again over the weekend.

          Take care,

          • Oh gawd yeah, school holidays and crowds of screaming kids.
            Early morning is good for photos and it is better for light too. Added bonus is most people are not up then 🙂

            • The kids were having a great time in the American garden… jumping off a rather odd sculpture into the pond water 🙂

              As a fully fledged member of the insomniacs club, I’m incapable of getting up in the morning. I can stay up until 6am no problem, but I can’t get up then. I usually try for photos in the late afternoon or evening; but it’s often tied to when I need to distract, rather than getting good photos.

              I’d loved looking through your photos… I used to live in Wellington, so it was good to see some of the old places 🙂

  5. I’m very sorry about Cloudie, and I hope it’s some comfort that she won’t be suffering any longer.

    Safety seems to be an issue lately for you, so kudos on the domain change! You’re so smart.

    Be gentle with yourself this week. Are you getting chilly down there?


    • Hi Lisa,

      I wish I could take some (any) credit for the domain change, but I can’t… it was all the programming wizard. My contribution was aimless chatter as they worked away tirelessly.

      Extrenal safety always seems to go up in proportion to internal lack of safety… Trying to find a balance in there somewhere.

      Thankfully we’re heading into Summer 🙂 We’ve just had one of the longest, wettest Winters in ages… Glad it’s finally over!!

      Take care of you too… surgery takes time to get over.

      • Sorry I got the seasons mixed up! My brain is on autopilot today.

        Balance, schmalance! That drives me crazy sometimes. If I find myself locking all of the doors and windows and patrolling it often means I need to look inside and figure out what’s going on. I wish I were fixed already.

        Will you share your pictures? I’d love to see New Zealand in summer.

        • You and me both re being fixed. I know it’s not like that, but you can always dream 🙂

          If I take any good ones, I’ll put them up for you to see…

          Take care,

  6. Hi, CG;

    Just dropped by. Words escape me, these days, but you’re in my heart and mind, just the same.

    My best,


  7. You’re BACK!
    I was so worried about you!
    I am so very, very sorry about your friend! I hope you get to take the afternoon off like you want to and go to the gardens,you deserve it. You deserve the best and I’m so glad you got your assistance! I was hoping for you this whole time, good for you!
    I got the RSS feed with no problem so, woohoo! I’m thinking that I’ll probably need to change the link I have on my blog that takes people to your blog so people can still clik on it. I’ll have to take a look. So good to hear from you again and I hope you have a peaceful day.
    *Big Hug*

    • Hi tai,

      It should be more “I’m baaaaaccckkk… muwhahaha” 🙂

      Well, I’m getting back into life again. Most of the last month has been a blur. I see comments that I’ve written, and have no idea how they happened. M has been very present, and sparring with some people with very different ideologies, so makes for odd reading.

      I’m assured by IT wizards that everything should redirect like magic. So far, they have been right. So the link on your page should still end up here 🙂

      Thanks for the positive thoughts…

      Take care of you and (((warm safe hugs))) to those who want them,

  8. hi castor 🙂 i’m happy for you that you were able to have your site moved and that you’re taking care of yourself in this way. i think it’s so healthy to take steps to ensure we feel safe in the places where we express ourselves. good for you~

    and i’m also happy for you that you got your funding. thank goodness! you have been under so much stress with the possibility looming that you might lose your services. i’m glad the waiting is over and that you will be able to continue to get help.

    as for the guilt you feel. it sounds similar to survivor’s guilt to me. but i hope you know that you have nothing to feel guilty about. it’s the fault of society that it doesn’t provide adequate services to all people who need it. just the fact that there are people who need services but can’t get them, that’s an injustice that is not at all the fault of the people in need who are getting services. it just unfair and a flawed system and i hope we may see the day in our future that everyone gets the help they need.

    then dear castor, i’m so sorry to hear that you have lost someone dear to you. i’m glad to hear that her death meant an end to her long suffering though. and that she was such a positive person for you in your childhood. i’m glad you had her in your life. and what a wonderful way to honor her memory you are doing. and very healthy of you that you are taking such good care of yourself by not travelling home for the funeral.

    i’m glad to hear how you are, as i thought it’d been awhile and i was wondering how you were doing. sending safe hugs and warm wishes your way~~~

    • Hi katie,

      So often your comments are just what I needed to hear, this was one of them. Thank you.

      I’m relieved about the funding. I know that ACC are trying to bump many of their long term clients. I was fearful that I would be caught up in that process. But, thankfully this hasn’t happened.

      Yes, it does feel very much like survivors guilt. I have to try and put that aside and work on the issues I’m facing. I took a major step with that this morning’s session with Allison. One step at a time…

      I heard that Cloudie’s funeral was filled with laughter and tears. A fitting farewell for a lovely person.

      (((warm safe hugs)))

  9. Hi Castorgirl!

    I am sorry about Cloudie. I know that’s hard for you. I hope you allow yourself to grieve.

    I am really glad you got the ACC funding. It actually sickens me when governments decide who gets help and who doesn’t. That, to me here in America, is just so wrong. Of course, we have our own problems, don’t get me wrong. But, I think we are moving in the right direction. Mental health here has achieved long sought after parity with physical health conditions, which began in 2010.

    Great job on the new site!

    • Hi Paul,

      “I hope you allow yourself to grieve”… hmmm I never thought of that. I cried when I was writing the sympathy card. Well, shed a few tears. But that’s about it. I felt something last week, but it got stamped down pretty quickly. Today with Allison, it was barely mentioned. Now I look at it, I realise this probably isn’t healthy, is it? I might have to get some grief books from work and look at them… caught between laughing and sadness that I would have to read a book about grief to learn about what is “normal”.

      Yes, it worries me when governments have too much say in who receives assistance. It could be argued that the assessing psychiatrist was the one with the power; but in reality, he can only send through recommendations. I’ve yet to hear of a health system that is fair. I know the ACC is better than some countries experience, but there are also major flaws in the system. The mental health parity in the US is a major step forward.

      I continue to bow to the wizards of programming.

      Take care,

      • I don’t think there is normal grieving. I think if you just keep thinking about her, you will find what’s normal for you. Ask inside.

        Programming wizards are all nerds. Don’t you know that?

        • I’ll try asking inside. I know there is feelings from young ones that need to be acknowledged. I get a sense that they need to place flowers on a memorial… I’ll have to think through where I can go to do this.

          I have been described as a nerd on many occasions, so I’m happy to bow to fellow nerds with their superior knowledge in areas that baffle me 🙂 I can do kindy programming, but nothing like what the shift required.

        • I just wanted to say that I totally agree with Paul. Everyone grieves differently. I know that for me sometimes playing music will help me to grieve and help me to cry when I couldn’t do it otherwise. You can do it in your own time and in your own way, however all of your parts want to express themselves don’t worry about being “normal”. 🙂

          • Thanks tai… I know I need to learn about healthy grieving – even if it isn’t what would be considered “normal”. I’m not good with emotions, and grief is laden with emotions. There’s definitely a need by young ones to place some flowers for her somewhere, so I’ll try working with that and go from there. It’s amusing, I can tell that grief has become an intellectual curiousity within my head… but by being curious about it, I might approach a healthier response to it, rather than stamping it down.

            Take care,

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