The Passenger

Earlier this week, I wrote a post called “Self-perception”, which I quickly removed due a fairly severe internal backlash.  The backlash wasn’t because I didn’t believe what was written, but rather because I know it’s true.  My fear was that others would finally see me for what I really am…

Other people are strong and courageous when they cry.
I am weak if I cry.

Other people are funny and intelligent.
I am a goober and an idiot.

Other people have a right to care, understanding and healing.
I am too dirty and messed up for that.

None of this makes me special. I don’t have super-human abilities or an invincible ego. On the contrary, I’m so dirty and disgusting that I must act this way in order for anyone to stand talking to me. I must act the way you want in order to be allowed in your company. If I get upset when you hurt me, I won’t be asked back – that hurt was at least some form of human interaction. You see, may be if I’m allowed in your presence for long enough, I might learn how to be human. I’m usually a quick learner, but I don’t get this “human” thing. I don’t know how you all interact. I don’t know how to be funny. I don’t know how to care for others. I don’t understand why people keep setting themselves up for pain by connecting with others. Why do people do that?

I am seen at work as strong, yet I am weak.

I am seen by the family as a stuck-up bitch. At least that is accurate.

WPT asked about my self-perception. He asked if I was playing a role and a game when I talked to him… putting up another front. Of course I was. What, you expect honesty? You expect tears? You expect me to say “it hurts”… that I’m scared? Very funny. Last time I said those words, I was punished for my weakness. Whose to say you will be any different? I’m not the only chameleon in this world. People smile to your face, and stab you in the back a moment later.

I know that no one is perfect – there is a humanity in making mistakes. But then, I’m not human.

Much of this text screams out “attention seeker” to me.  It could be easily argued that it is… But it’s the truth.  It’s the reason why I can self-injure to dangerous levels, without a care or thought.  I’m a thing… an object… worthless… nothing.

If you’re wondering why I’m publishing this again, I need to address this core belief I have about myself.  If I don’t, I’ll never heal.  It might make me uncomfortable, but it’s the elephant in the room.  Although, maybe it’s the mouse?  I don’t know.

—————-
Now playing: Iggy Pop – The Passenger
via FoxyTunes

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19 thoughts on “The Passenger

  1. I’m glad you posted this again. I respect that you needed to remove it earlier and I think it’s very brave of you to re-post it. My urge right now is to insist that you are not these things, but I don’t feel that’s what you are wanting. In a way I think that might just reinforce the idea that you are attention seeking. I don’t believe you are attention seeking. I believe that you feel this way about yourself and your writing is purely honest.

    I feel sad for you, and I feel hopeful because you are addressing it. Our abusers tell us such horrible lies and lead us to such strong negative beliefs about ourselves. In a way I am in this place too. Though the details are different, I am also trying to challenge some core beliefs. I didn’t even know until recently that this is a big part of healing; I didn’t understand that our abusers f*&# our minds as much as our bodies. (sorry about the use of language, I just don’t know how else to say it).

    I wonder now if undoing this damage is the greater challenge? Beliefs about the world, the people in it, our place in it, our self perception, our worth, our reponsibilites, our shame, etc… it’s a lot to change inside one’s mind. I think it is the elephant in the room. And how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

    I’m glad WPT is willing to address this with you and I hope Allison is as well. I wish you all the best.

    Dawn

    • Hi Dawn,

      Abuse is about control and the needs of the abuser, that means it’s often more than just a physical act. Psychological abuse was a fairly constant factor in my life.

      I don’t know where to go with that knowledge.

      I’ve sent this post through to Allison. I imagine it is what we’ll be working on tomorrow.

      Take care,
      CG

  2. I think along the path to where you are now, someone convinced you that you were weak if you cried. Someone had so little self worth that they “needed” you to believe you are a stuck up bitch so you could be controlled, used, and manipulated. You can’t make it true – or they win. You are brave and very smart for knowing that you have to say it “out loud” to heal. I’ve been saying it for several years now and healing does happen. Crying is for the pain and suffering – it has nothing to do with weak or strong; that is what someone told you to control your emotions. Hugs.

    • Hi Ivory,

      The thing about being weak, or a bother if I cried, was told to me by many people, and is a societal message as well. The message about being a stuck-up bitch, is from my aunt and sister predominantly, but most people thought it of me. It’s partly due to my dissociation, and the walls I put up to protect myself. I wasn’t all that good at joining in.

      I’m glad you’re working through the warped messages you received.

      Take care,
      CG

  3. CG I’m glad you put this back up 🙂 I know it wasn’t easy. I keep reading posts from people that make me want to write novels in their replies but I’ll try to control myself here. First and foremost I will tell you what you tell me all the time: you are NOT attention-seeking. In the world today people find all kinds of dumb reasons to actually whine, this is the complete opposite of that. Actually, if anyone needs attention it’s you. You weren’t given the attention a child needs, and the attention you got was awful.
    Second, I can’t even begin to describe how special you are. You are so STRONG. I can’t put into words how smart you are and how much you help others. This about you though and not what you do for us. I’ve never met you but I can see how strong you are, how intelligent you are. You are one of the purest people I know because no matter what happened to you, the person you are inside, your soul, is beautiful and it shines through in everything I see you do. I’m so glad to know you and it’s not because I want you to *do* something for me. If you did nothing but hang out here I would be so happy just to know you. We all play a role and put up a front for others. I know I do. It’s very human.

    • Hi tai,

      Thank you.

      I find myself rebutting every single one of the positive comments you make… The internal arguments are so tiring… so very, very tiring.

      I appreciate what you’re saying tai. I hope to one day believe it.

      Take care,
      CG

  4. dear castor, i don’t know why i’ve been so absent in the blogging world lately, i think i’m going through something. but i’m really glad i got online tonight and that i read your blog post here.

    you are definitely special. in some ways i feel lost and isolated right now, confused about what i feel and who i am, but what you’ve written here brought me clarity. brought me back to myself. i identify with your voice, with your vulnerability and how torn it seems you are between things like how you feel and how you seem to think you are supposed to feel. i feel really inadequate to express what i got from your post. but it made me want to say so much.

    i’ll just say this for now, i think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with crying or not crying. and wanting attention or not wanting attention. and with being strong or being weak. i think this world places value on ideas of how “people should be” and then so many of us just feel so awful in the face of those notions. alone, unseen, unsure if who we are is ok, is enough. but i think you are. and your voice, the things you have to say, help me feel that i am enough, that i am ok. i thank you so much. and i hope that whatever is going on with you, that you’re doing ok.

    please take care~ you deserve it. safe hugs~~~

  5. Hi CG,
    I’m glad you have published this again.
    We know many of these messages and convictions you have written in the post and I know how incredible difficult it is, to change this.
    You know -intellectually- that most of them result from the long time abuse in the past. I believe, the only way to change this, is that we must make other, positive experiences and then maybe, but only maybe some of the internalized messages will weaken. It will take a lot of time. We must learn it new from the beginning.
    Take good care and safe hugs to all who want them
    (((())))

    • Thank you LSC, I know what you’re saying the right. As you say, that’s an intellectual knowledge… just have to make that leap to emotional and core knowledge.

      Take care and warm safe hugs to those who want them…
      CG

  6. I think this is the elephant in the room, and I’m very happy that you took the lead from inside and decided to post it. You are not an attention seeker, despite what you feel. I understand that feeling. I feel it often myself. And you are worth an awful lot!!!!

  7. There have been some great comments here and I hope you have taken courage and validation from them.

    tai0316, I could not written it any better and there is nothing wrong with writing novels as long as they are helpful.

    It is a long climb to understanding your worth and heal, but it is well worth the journey although it can be quite unpleasant at times.

    • Hi,

      As you know, it’s easy to concentrate on the bad things. It’s difficult to see the good, when the bad is so consistently pointed out.

      Thanks for stopping by 🙂

      Take care,
      CG

  8. You probably didn’t want comments like this when you wrote this post but I suppose I’ll write it anyway.
    I came across this tonight. I found that painting/collage with the red hand that was posted here and decided to go over some of your posts. I hardly read them but decided to read all of this one for some reason. You may not have been looking for empathy but all I can say is that, reading this, I got scared because every word was an echo of my thoughts. I honestly don’t know why I’m commenting because I haven’t got anything of value to say, I’m just glad that I found such an adequate way of describing the way I feel and I suppose I wanted to thank you for giving it to me.

    • Hi,

      There is a sense of comfort that comes from knowing that you’re not the only person struggling with this stuff. I don’t want to push anything onto you, but if you struggle with this, I hope you have some support around you. It’s ok to ask for help, sometimes it’s vital.

      I never expect comments on my posts, to get any sort of comment is appreciated. It’s even better to know that it was helpful in some way.

      Please take care,
      CG

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