Locked in, or locked out?
Going towards the light, or away from it?
Hurt, or hurting others?
Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been experiencing emotions that I’ve never knew existed. Nights have gone from being black holes of dissociation, to an awareness that I spend the entire night curled up, rocking, whimpering. This is in stark contrast to my daily functioning, where I’ve managed to get huge amounts of work done. It almost feels like my total lack of functioning outside of work, is needing to be compensated for somehow.
I know from past experience, that this type of dichotomy and partitioning is dangerous. It leads to exhaustion; audio and visual hallucinations; self-injury; and other negative consequences. The problem with the scenario this time, is what I’ve hinted at in my previous two posts. I’ve been experiencing ongoing problems accessing assistance from the mental health crisis team. I don’t know how to ask for help in a way that is useful. I also get discouraged very quickly; as I don’t see that I’m worth saving, or able to be helped.
This leads to a situation, where I feel locked in, and locked out. Locked into a hell of my own making, and locked out from accessing the help I need. I can easily see my own culpability in the scenario. I can see how the responses from the crisis team, set-up that scenario. They are under-funded, under-staffed and drowning in clients. As a result, their emergency response is to send the Police around to pick you up and take you to the Police interview rooms to wait for the on-call psychiatrist. The psychiatric wards are set-up based on geographic catchment, rather than diagnosis or risk level. Even at my worst, I still have ones within the system who know this, and will do anything possible to avoid the triggers of the Police and the alcoholics on the over-crowded ward.
Where does this leave me?
The other night, I managed to hug a soft toy for the first time that I can remember. It was for less than a minute, but it was something.
Last night, I drew a flower on the window with glass markers. I’m not aware of enjoying it, but I think part of the system did.
So, may be this leaves me with another round of making connections, soothing, distracting, drawing.
I don’t know.