The activity for this months Expressive Arts Carnival is to:
Draw a wall using any medium, and show what is on one or both sides. Please also write a couple of sentences saying what the process was like for you.
This shows my walls as being the razor wire fence, behind which hurt and angry ones can be seen. What’s interesting, is that an abusive event can be seen fairly clearly, almost as if the memory is the defense against looking closer at the hurt ones and their emotions. A hidden, and shameful part of the wall is sex; while the more obvious things that make up the wall are my education, work, food, perfectionism, alcohol, cutting and the idea/memories of the perfect family. The protector with the knives, is one of our more heavy handed protectors, and indicates how out of control we were at the time…
Today, I drew another wall with oil pastels. I love oil pastels because of their tactile nature. But I also hate them, because they’re not “precise” enough for me… they have this annoying habit of not having straight lines and bleeding into each other. Ok, so may be I don’t know how to manipulate them correctly to get the blending done precisely… or, may be that’s the point of them, to be imperfect.
This is what I drew…
The green and purple are the colours in front of the wall. These are the colours that protect the rest of the system, and the outside world, from the wall and what is behind it. The purple acts as a warning, and the green as a grounding colour. Then there is the black wall. This wall must be strong and impervious. The bright red, or anger, is the first thing bashing against the wall, then the shame of blue; before the black emptiness of the unknown. Each of the colours is separated by mini black walls, to try and keep layers upon layers of protection occurring.
I’m struck by the contrasts between the images. The first is controlled, yet descriptive; while the second is controlled and abstract. I often describe my internal world behind the wall as either a gaping chasm of nothingness, or a swirling mess of emotions… neither quite fit the image that I’ve drawn. I’m not particularly grounded today, so that could be the reason for the disparity.
To add to the oddity, I deliberately chose Missy Higgins’ version of Stuff and Nonsense to go with this entry – a song about knowing/loving in the present, but not being able to guarantee anything in the future.
I sometimes wonder if I’m looking for meaning when there is none, or whether I’m missing the point. One day, I may find out, but not today.