Where stress and memories collide…

I’m struggling.

I honestly don’t know what else to say, besides those two words.  I could try to tell you the reasons, but they are just a jumble in my head.  I try to make sense of the jumble, but all I get are disjointed Polyvore sets…

First this…

Then, within an hour, this…

The text in the second set is from the poem Evening song of the Thoughtful Child by Katherine Mansfield.

So yes, I’m struggling.

Now playing: Green Day – Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)
via FoxyTunes


36 thoughts on “Where stress and memories collide…

  1. Don’t have any words other than I’m here listening to your struggles. You are not alone. I always thought struggling was a bad thing, but it actually is a positive. Somewhere, something, someone wants to get better and live. And they are fighting to do that. So while it feels sucky to struggle, know it’s working out for your good. Many hugs to you if it’s safe for you.

    • Hi Missing in Sight,

      Your words remind me of what Allison says when she meets one in the system who is angry… she always says that it is great to meet one who is so determined and motivated to change. She doesn’t get scared or anything, she looks for the motivation for the emotion or words.

      These struggles are very much about change and needing to shift my perspective and awareness. It’s a difficult to take in, really difficult. But, I’m getting there in steps.

      I know you’re struggling too… please take care of yourself.

      Sending positive thoughts your way,

  2. So sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time. Perhaps try not to deal with the jumble all at once? Like elephants, you gotta deal with them little by little…

    ((warm safe ones)) to you. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do.

    • They are Paul. There was another set done before these two, which establishes where these come from; but I thought it was too triggering to put on the blog. It’s here if you want to see it. It was linked to what was discussed during my session with Allison on Monday, and the upcoming anniversary of the last attack by my ex-husband. It basically started an emotional overload, and I didn’t know what to do with the emotions, memories or associated denial. I’ve just come from an emergency session with Allison, and I’m still fragile, but in a better place.

      Take care,

      • So what you are saying is they are linked to memories. The best advise I have, and I have told you this, is to accept as best you can what parts of you are sharing (without judgment) and also to “find a way” to get to what the feelings are. The idea of healing and processing the trauma is for some of the feelings to move from being kept separate in parts to being shared with you. And, yes, I know that’s painful for you.

        • That is exactly what I worked on with Allison. It was approached in what I thought was an odd way, but it worked. I was able to express emotions, associate them with an event (not depicted in this Polyvore series), and then hold onto them for long enough for that association to stay solid. I did pack away the emotions again, but they were there long enough for it to be tangible.

          I struggled greatly last night, and there was a huge drive to self-injure, but I stayed safe as a conscious message to the system. Today, things are much more settled.

          Thank you for your support and advice Paul, I appreciate it greatly.

          Take care,

  3. These are so expressive, I really like the extract from the poem.

    I’m sorry you are having such a hard time, I am thinking of you. Take gentle care of yourself

    • Hi Kylie,

      Thank you 🙂

      It’s a beautifully sad piece of the poem. I don’t know her work well – it’s a typical kiwism to ignore homegrown talent, in favour of international artists.

      I’m getting there…

      Take care,

  4. Take care and if you need anything don’t be afraid to ask.

    I really like the poem. It is strange you find it sad and I find it happy in a way… like an escape into a clear blue sky.

    Well read lots of books and look after yourself.

    • It’s interesting how we all see things so differently… Today I can see how you appreciate the happy, lightness to the piece; but I know that when I was doing the Polyvore set, it was all about suicide and escaping. A indication of how easily our frame of mind can change the subtext of almost anything…

      Well in typical fashion, it’s now a sunny, but windy, day. I may be forced to get out and work in the gardens after all 🙂

      Take care,

      • I have noticed that as well. Looking it things, mostly music, in the past and wondering why I related something to being sad. We chose a meaning of a moment as we are feeling at that time. It is probably why song lyrics and poems are so poignant.

        Have fun in the garden. I have a cold and work to do… and cricket to watch.

        Take care and look after yourself and I hope thing go well for you today and this week.

        • I agree, our emotions and perspective can change the meaning of almost anything – a look, word, music, actions, or non-actions… Any form of art that is excellent, has the ability to connect with the person and evoke an emotion in them, that can be so powerful.

          You’ve had a rough run with hay fever and now a cold… I hope you’re feeling better soon!

          Take care,

  5. I’m glad you’ve had some help from Allison. I hope this “anniversary” passes quickly and with the least internal chaos possible. I wish I could do more for you CG. I saw your Polyvore collages and they are powerful. You’re in my thoughts as always.

    • Hi tai,

      Thank you… Allison did help, well she guided me to help myself, which is more important.

      The start of February is going to be rough, it’s the start of our academic year, which means lots of work and stress. It’s also when my marriage broke up, with the associated cause for the marriage to break up.

      I’m in a good place now, and trying to hold onto that feeling.

      You do so much tai, you offer friendship and support. I really appreciate that.

      Take care,

  6. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling. I wish there was something I could do. I can understand, though.
    I am very glad that Allison was able to help. She sounds like a keeper. I like the way you say she connects the motivation with the emotion.
    That is very much the way my therapist works with me. I find it very helpful. I often wonder why I cannot make those connections on my own.

    I’m thinking good thoughts for you. Hang in there.
    — Mareeya

    • Hi Mareeya,

      Like all new skills, we need to learn and practice them. So we will learn how to make those connections ourselves, it just takes time. It also helps when the therapist is on the outside looking in, so they see things in a different way to us.

      But yes, I’m working really well with Allison 🙂

      Take care of yourself,

  7. Hi CG,

    I don’t know how I missed this post. The disjointedness of those two sets struck me too when you published them. It’s very difficult when the fragmentation gets so … I don’t know the words I’m looking for here … swift? Like you’re getting jerked around. It feels horrible but looking through the comments here it sounds like since this post things have eased a bit?

    • Hi Holly,

      Well I’d like to say that everything is all going well; but last night I got about an hours sleep, and was talking on Skype to a friend for about an hour and a half as she tried to help me climb down from the ceiling. It’s a moment by moment thing. You’re right, it does feel like I’m being pulled in about 20 different directions – I sometimes call it an emotional rollercoaster. I hate that feeling, but I know that the emotions causing it can be worked through.

      Take care,

  8. hi castor, i was just thinking about you this evening and hoping that you’re doing ok.

    sending you positive thoughts and warm wishes~

  9. Just throwing out that I tried to find/comment on your post about What Is Truth and I can’t see it. Am I doing something wrong because that post was beautifully written, I have stuff to say but when I click the link it says it can’t find it. Argh!

  10. I’m so glad I found your website. Even though it wasn’t through a great experience, I found it and glad you are sharing. You are very expressive and a good writer/artist. Thanks!

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