I’m not sure what’s real anymore. There’s been a tipping point reached internally, and derealisation has sunk in.
It’s an odd feeling, the derealisation. I was just walking down the steps at work, and had no idea of whether my foot would ever touch the next step. Part of my brain was wondering what would happen if more and more of my foot wasn’t fully on the step. Another part was wondering why the colours of the plants beside the steps seemed to vividly green, they didn’t look that way last week.
When I’m derealised, I usually have little idea of consequences. I’m not really living in the moment, let alone understanding any long term consequences of my actions. Thing is, to everyone else I still appear ok. I don’t look any different, I don’t talk all that differently (maybe a little stilted or with more pauses)… but nothing screams out to anyone “this person is disconnected”. I self-injured while at work yesterday; but that was another sign of the disconnect, not the cause. I’m having to work through some issues which I probably need to grieve for what was, and what will never be; but I don’t think that’s what’s causing this. I’m heading into another round of teaching commitments; but again, I don’t think that’s what causing the derealisation. My trust in people was shaken greatly last week; I’m not sure if that contributed or not. Shame has risen to new levels internally; but is that enough to cause this? Possibly it’s all of these factors combining to give the system a feeling of being overloaded. But I don’t feel the overload, I don’t really feel anything…
This was one of the first sets I did on Ployvore last night, and probably shows how I’m feeling the most accurately. I’m here, but not really. I’m scattered, but appearing to function. It’s an odd feeling.
My life, seems pointless. But yet there is no desire, that I’m aware of, to do anything self-destructive. Maybe that is the point of this feeling? I don’t know. I do know that I can’t keep on like this, my inability to understand consequences could lead to more self injury, and I don’t have the internal filters to be able to stop it happening. This in turn will lead to a vicious cycle of more derealisation, more self injury…
It’s an odd feeling, looking through your eyes and seeing the world as an odd caricature of itself.
Now playing: Falling Slowly – Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (Once)