talk

Talk

Why do they want me to look at it?Β  Leave it be.

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33 thoughts on “talk

    • Hi Di,

      I’m sorry you struggle with this too. But there is a strange comfort in knowing that others have similar experiences and reactions.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting. The one who created this collage appreciates it.

      Take care,
      CG

  1. Hopefully because they want to help you put the pieces back together so that life makes some kind of sense. Ideally that’s why people want you to talk. It hurts to look behind that mask though, and we know if it horrifies us, having walked through what’s behind that mask, we have no way of gaging how horrifying someone else will find it and therefor us.

    • I know that you are right intellectually, but the fears are overwhelming. I didn’t realise how bad they were – more fool me.

      Thank you for sharing your experiences, it helped to validate my fears, as well as help me realise that I can work through this.

      Take care,
      CG

    • It really is Sanity, it really is. I didn’t appreciate how difficult it can be. It’s not even about memories, but this huge well of self-hatred and negative emotions. Then having those feelings exposed to someone else is incredibly scary.

      There was another two sets which went with this one – one about a young one who stutters, and the other about feeling invisible and needing to escape. I didn’t realise the importance of these sets until last night. Like most things, I was blind to what was right under my nose.

      I’ve seen from others that this can be worked through. That trust can be reached and a new way of being established. It’s the change that is scary. Talking will be breaking the old rules of being seen and not heard. Preferably not seen either!

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting πŸ™‚

      Take care,
      CG

  2. You are quite right change is scary. However most times when you get through the change you wonder why you were so scared of it… sometimes it takes a while to build up that trust and quell the negative emotions surrounding it.

    Most of the people you are willing to talk to about this are expecting these emotions to come out as they are there to help you put the pieces back together even if you don’t believe it yourself.

    • I know you’re right, but there is still that “what if…” feeling. I learned never to rely on anyone when I was growing up – not even myself, so to change those habits of a lifetime is difficult. There is going to be an important step tomorrow, as I have a session with Allison. I hope it goes well, I hope she isn’t disgusted or turns away. But then, I found on Monday that if she doesn’t react with disgust, then I see that as her expecting me to enjoy and do disgusting, degrading things… It’s all so difficult and confusing.

      Thank you for your support, I do appreciate it.

      Take care,
      CG

      • Yeah that “what if…” feeling…

        Changing habits and thought patterns are difficult even when you know it is going to be good. We struggle with change.

        I hope you your session with Allison went well.

        Do disgusting? I am imagining a little girl trying somewhat unsuccessfully to gross out someone else.

        It is always good to help out someone who appreciates it. I surely don’t get it often at work. Alias the life of working in IT.

        • Hi ya,

          The session with Allison was pretty amazing. There were some really big (for me) issues covered. I was also brave and asked why she didn’t react when I told her something that I thought was disgusting on Monday… ummm, apparently I’d already told her a month or so ago πŸ™‚ So she knew already, and was just hearing the same thing from a different perspective. I hate memory gaps!

          I don’t know so much about change… in some ways we’re changing every day as we learn new things and interact with new people. In other ways, we can be closed off to that change and learning experience. So while I can change alright within my work environment, I’m not so good at doing it within my habits which I’ve built up over the years. In those areas change is much slower and resisted a huge amount – one of the topics raised in the session today.

          As for working in IT… don’t you know that even when the IT department is joked about, it’s always with a certain respect that comes from knowing that you could be the only thing between having a successfully saved document, and looking at the blue screen of death? I bow to IT geeks/gods, I work with one and wonder at his abilities… his daughter is just as intelligent and quick as him too πŸ™‚

          btw… did I mention that I hate Office 2010? I do. It stinks.

          Take care,
          CG

          • It is good to see you had a good session with Allison. I hope you made some good progress too.

            You are right we change everyday, but I was meaning changing our environment and our way of thinking. In most respects it is because we don’t understand why we should change or how the change integrates into the master plan.

            As for working in IT… (sorry thefted that). You are the end user we work hard in practising our black arts and inspiring a aura of godliness with the end user. :p
            It is the management where it gets all disrespectful and to be honest I hardly ever deal with the end user unless they are special. It goes with the territory hence why a lot of IT technical people are cynics. πŸ™‚

            • I think we can do sudden change, like when we have a realisation that radically changes our perspective on an issue. But, I think most change happens over time – sometimes a short time period, sometimes a long… sometimes its lots of little changes adding up to a big change. So I don’t underestimate those daily interactions – the most tangible example I can think of about a slow change is my interactions with Paul and seeing how he treats his children… it used to be beyond my comprehension that a father would care about their children’s feelings and reactions, yet he does and has consistently over the time I’ve known him. He and the fathers that I work with are slowly chipping away at the image I had of what fathers say and do. I know that probably makes me sound like I hate males, I don’t; I just couldn’t comprehend what a safe male was like.

              Some changes are very slow and need lots of reinforcement…

              As an end user who is occasionally really stupid, and works with other end users who are regularly stupid… I have respect for the technical team I interact with. Saying that, I asked them to fix one link on the website the other day and it took 4 days and 5 emails to do it. Then, they are not my friends… grrr their ninja skills broke.

              I get what you mean about the disrespect and lack of contact with the end user. I get most of my job satisfaction out of helping people, but more and more of my job is behind the scenes. That means more politics, and that isn’t my thing.

              If we’re sticking to generalisations, you’re also expert coffee drinkers who require frequent doses of coffee that would send us mere plebeians into instant cardiac arrest πŸ™‚

              Take care,
              CG

            • Thanks OneSurvivor… There were some big voluntary agreements made, and we are also going to see her two times a week for a couple of weeks, just to see if that helps work through the trust issues that are happening at the moment.

              Take care of yourself,
              CG

  3. I don’t know, quite, why other people want you to talk, but I miss your presence. It’s completely selfish, I know, but wow… you’re just a neat person, CG.

    I know you have to take care of yourself, and sometimes words are just too tiring to keep spewing out. When I read your posts, it seems like you’re working through a lot with trying to make sense of your role in your family… and the art you share is both beautiful and very painful to look at.

    I just miss you. I like your soul.

    ~meredith~

    • Hi Meredith,

      Thank you.

      I know I haven’t been very active here or within the blogosphere lately. I wish I had a simple explanation as to why I’ve been absent, but I don’t. I’ve been becoming increasingly more absent in all aspects of my life. There, but not really. Trying to work on healing, but getting caught up with distractions which lead nowhere.

      Words… I wish I had a better relationship with them. They get stuck in my throat, stuck in my mind… unable to get out. I try for visuals as a way to get around it, and sometimes that works. But not always, or I don’t understand the message in the visuals.

      Thank you for your kindness Meredith, I appreciate it.
      Take care,
      CG

      • you never have to explain your absences. ever. i just hope you know that your presence is missed when you’re away.

        you matter. πŸ˜‰

        ~meredith~

        • That’s one of the things I still don’t understand… that my presence and actions are noticed or meaningful to anyone. I thank you for saying it, even if I don’t comprehend it. It creates confusion internally – confusion is good, it challenges the old thinking in a gentle way.

          I look for your yoga posts regularly πŸ™‚

          Please take care,
          CG

  4. Because, sweetie…underneath all that damage is a beautiful soul.

    Having written that, I do understand the difficulty with talking. I share things in little bits…as “I” feel comfortable.

    Regarding Allison…I had to learn not to read into what I see and hear in other people. I had to learn to ask questions and to trust what I saw.

    Love the art piece.

    • Thank you OneSurvivor…

      I’m at the point where there’s another huge wall to try to navigate. I’m not sure how to form the words which describe what is contained within this head, let alone why anyone would want to hear them.

      I know what you mean about asking questions, but I’m not so good at that. As soon as something gets me, I clam up and withdraw. I make assumptions, which I know if unfair on the other person, but it’s not as scary as asking them what they meant.

      Thank you πŸ™‚

      Please take care,
      CG

  5. I’m sorry it makes you feel exposed and nasty. You’re not, you know. I think you’re lovely and full of worth. It was brave of you to share this.

    Lisa

  6. Gawd, even though I can see and know a little of what you mean – I’m always struck at your creative gift at expressing yourself. When you created this post you may not have felt like talking or writing all about it – but you have this little gem of creativity that shines and twinkles from your soul through your blog.

    I don’t know exactly where you’re at – but this post and others strikes a very familiar cord with me. I spent an hour ringing to get through to Lifeline last night because of feeling like I’m not strong enough to keep going – I eventually got through and was honest with the person that I was talking to, eventually they told me that ‘I wasn’t bad & that they cared about me’ – I kind of lost it crying, saying ‘how can you care when you don’t know me?’.
    Reading your blog this morning has answered that question for me (whether I am able to remember or not is another thing) – I feel like I understand part of you, and I really care (I hope it doesn’t sound empty), I pray you get some relief from the stuff that hurts, and that the pieces are able to fit together more often than not.
    And even with some of the pieces scattered, you are still worth it.
    I’ve been working on a mental list with one side ‘Bad’ and the other ‘Unwell’ – at the moment the points on the ‘I am Bad’ side are winning, but I remember a time when they weren’t, because if I am unwell (instead of bad) because of things that have happened, then I am in turn on a journey of recovery and there is HOPE.
    Closing my eyes, thinking of you, and sending you a bubble of HOPE for your day.
    I’m sorry it hurts and it’s hard.

    • Hi,

      Thanks πŸ™‚

      I’m glad you were able to get through to LifeLine – they’re often so busy that it’s impossible to talk to anyone. It sounds like you got the right person at the right time to talk to. People care about you, because you’re you. I care because I see your bravery, courage and strength. If you were honest with the person on LifeLine, then they would have seen those qualities, as well as the immense pain that was presenting. So yes, they would have cared. I’m so glad you found a way to keep on going, and released some of those tears in the process.

      Thank you for your kindness…

      You’re not bad.

      Sending positive thoughts your way,
      CG

      • *looks around* I think strangers care.

        Deep down we can be incredibility compassionate especially to the people who share or show a moment of strife or pain we can relate to… and as I see it nobody who posts here is bad.

  7. I think we all can agree that when we see sadness in a child’s eyes we want to reach out and sooth that child. If we as adults know what’s wrong for this child…then we can fix it. I hope your ok….

    • I agree, we want to help the child. But some things can’t be fixed. No matter how bad we want to, what if it can’t fix it? I know that sounds defeatist, but it’s the first thing that jumped into my head when I read your comment.

      Sorry Nansie, I know what you are meaning, but it’s all a muddle in my head. There are parts of me that are very sure that there can be no soothing or coming back from where they have been. That they are not worthy of even trying. The shame, guilt and low self worth is overpowering. Yet I would do anything to convince others of their worth, because they are indeed worth the difficult work that healing presents.

      I know I sound confused, but I do know what you were meaning and the positivity you were aiming for – thank you.

      Take care,
      CG

  8. CG…children can always heal with alot of love, consistancy and care…but first they must be convinced that they will heal…they need confidence and faith that they WILL heal…no room for doubts…when we believe – they believe…I am sorry for your suffering. I have much of it too but never stop believing or give up hope. HUGS for you!

  9. I am sorry that part of you feels this way. I hope this part of you knows that there are other parts of you who can help her realize she is not how she views herself. I think one indication of this is the hearts you used to dot the “i”s. She is a hurting child, and while we can all understand why she feels this way, she is being allowed an opportunity to heal.

    • The hearts were the one wrong thing in this image. They weren’t wanted, but there wasn’t the skill level to change them to dots. They were then left in for the irony and contrast.

      I know this was done from a place of pain. I don’t know if it is possible to come back from that. I see others have.

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