What if…

It’s 2011.  That means that I can go to the city where the father lives.  I can stay for the weekend, and I can leave without being hurt.

That is what the adult part of me knows.  I know that he no longer wants to hurt me.  I know that I can go to a big city and stay there without him finding out.  I can go to the museums and the shops.  I can celebrate my birthday with my mother.  I can leave without him even being aware that I was there.  It’s 2011, and I have the ability to stay safe.

So why is there that little voice inside me asking questions in a terrified voice?  Asking whether the sister will tell him where we’re going to be.  Asking whether the aunt knows, and will tell him.  What if he comes into the city and sees us?  What if he touches us again?  What if the mother doesn’t protect us again?  What if we can’t escape?

What if…

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16 thoughts on “What if…

  1. What if you go to the city and have a great time, staying in a lovely hotel, going to those lovely shops and great museums and galleries?

    What if your father never learns of your visit?

    What if he does and you see him on the street and turn and walk away? Or, even better, kick him in the shins and then spit on him?

    Easier said than done, I know. Hang in there, you can do this. ((hugs))

  2. Those little ones are going to need lots of reassurance. It must be hard for them to get their head round the 2011 thing. Be gentle with yourself – it isn’t surprising this is difficult and you are very brave to go at all in my book.

    • Thank you thesamesky…

      I’ve tried doing positive reassurances about the low probability of seeing him – I can’t say there’s no chance, as that wouldn’t be true. I’ve told about the museums we can go and see, the great places for hot chocolate, and the ultimate draw-card – the ocean. But there’s little respite from the fear.

      I’ll have a 7 hour drive to practice my breathing 🙂

      Take care,
      CG

  3. What city are you going to CG? I would love to look it up online and see? Keep telling the little ones you are all safe now. No one can hurt you anymore and you get to choose who does and who doesn’t know your there. They have no rights with you anymore…you are grown up and they have no more control over you. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s worth fighting for…you are worth fighting for! He deserves nothing from you or the little ones…tell them and keep tellng them the monster is gone now….HUGs to you and I hope you do have a good time. Maybe once you get there and see all the fun out there the little ones will get excited knowing this time will be different?

    • Hi Nansie,

      I’ll be going to Wellington. It’s a really lovely city, with great museums, shops and right on the waterfront.

      I know that I have the ability to keep myself safe, the problem is whether I will or not.

      It will be fine once I’m there.

      Thanks for the support 🙂
      CG

  4. Sending warm wishes and hugs your way. As an adult, even knowing what “we” are capable of now, we still haven’t the courage to knowingly put ourselves into a what if like yours. Take care of yourselves, and listen to everyone. That’s so important to staying safe.

  5. I hope you have a good time down here in Wellington. There is very little chance you will see the father and you will not get arrested for assault.

    Go to the beaches and the museums and enjoy yourself.

    • Hi Ringonz,

      The assault comment was in response to Kerro’s suggestion about kicking him in the shins if I saw him 🙂 I’m not violent towards others in any way, so it would never happen.

      I’ll be fine, I know I will.

      Take care,
      CG

  6. I’m proud of you and I’m glad you feel confident CG. Just listen to every part of yourself and you’ll be just fine.

    Personally I think you’re a rockstar! And I hope that you have an absolutely lovely time. 🙂

  7. Hi CG,

    We just wanted to say and we are so excited we found your blog. We are new to blogging but just set up one. (it’s only got one post so far, but you can check it out if you want, hehehe.)

    Anyway, we just want to say that we are thinking about you and hoping your trip goes ok and we are looking forward to possibly seeing some pretty pictures! 🙂

    • Hi The Miracle Network,

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting 🙂 I’ve put your blog in my RSS Reader, so will know when you’ve posted something.

      The trip was difficult, but I made it there and back ok. I’ve added one photo I took while there to the post Who am I?, but you’ll find more on my Flickr account under the set Wellington Zoo. The other photo I took while there, is this one –

      Take care,
      CG

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