Confessions of a confused child

Confessions of a confused child

I get confused, between the then and now.

It’s easy to fall back on the familiar, because that is all I know.

They say I’m trouble, but all I’m doing is following the rules.

They say the rules have changed.

I’ve been tricked like that before.

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12 thoughts on “Confessions of a confused child

  1. CG I keep reading this over & over and this is exactly what I know. I hope you are okay.
    I’m here sitting with you.

  2. Very powerful. It’s taking my words away.

    All I know is YOU can change the rules now, not “them”. It’s your game now. Play it the way you want.

    Wish I had deeper insights for you.

    Always sending safe hugs for you.

    • Hi missinginsight,

      I don’t know how to change the rules. I only know the warped ones they told me.

      Sorry getting confused again, and it’s not your fault.

      Thank you…

      Take care,

  3. Reading this – put words’ put in a way I cannot yet find them – you found the words’ I could not..still cannot. Thank You CG, and I am with you as well!

    This entry you made, I can FEEL it, I wish I had words’ like you do!

  4. dear castor, i’m sorry you’re feeling confused. what this post reminds me of, and i may be off base in relating this. but it is that whenever i’ve tried being close to people who were dysfunctional or toxic to me (including certain family members), i could get so confused and turned around, and feel like i didn’t know what was real or right anymore. they could turn me against myself, my feelings weren’t real, memories unimportant, etc. sometimes it felt like i was trying to speak to someone from a completely different planet, and their entire system of viewing the world was just so different from mine, that trying to interact with them was only confusing and painful, because of course they insisted their view of reality was the only one. in my case, distance from such people and finding validating, safe others i could trust was a primary path to finding out that feeling grounded is possible. even around “aliens” 🙂 again, that may or not relate at all, but that’s what you reminded me of.

    wishing you well always~

    • Hi katie,

      What you have said rings true. It’s coming up to my father’s birthday, and that is causing me a lot of confusion. Those old reminders, warped messages and triggers are coming to the surface. It again becomes a dance through denial, flashbacks and dissociation.

      The internal tug of war between the different realities is so confusing. People had expectations of me; yet lived their life in a way that contradicts those expectations. So, I’m trying to reconcile that within myself.

      I’ll always remember what a previous therapist said to me… I was busy telling her about how the different members of my family viewed a situation… she (the therapist) asked what I saw… it was the first time that someone had asked me about a situation where my view was considered important, or worthy of mentioning. She didn’t want to know what excuses I created for the other people in my life, but how I saw the situation.

      It’s amazing when you’re really heard, and you don’t feel like you’re talking to aliens 🙂

      Thank you for your understanding 🙂

      Take care,

      • oh i’m glad what i wrote did correspond with what you were feeling and helped you feel understood. yes, i’ve had to try to figure out what the “truth” is as much as i can, even when others oppose. i think what makes the most sense to me when dealing with people in denial, or who have a different version of reality than me, is to understand that i don’t need them to admit my version is true, in order for it to be true, or for me to feel at peace. when people are in denial, i try to remind myself that it’s possible some people’s ego structures just aren’t strong enough, and so their minds spend their energy building an elaborate, if false, defense system. doesn’t make the truth any less real. but it does make spending time with them really potentially confusing and painful, especially if any part of you wishes they would align with you.

        i’ll be wishing you wellness and peace for this upcoming trigger event. those can be so disturbing. please take care~

        • It’s such a struggle, isn’t it? I sometimes can let it go, and sometimes I’m swept away by the tide of denial that the views of someone else create. My self-esteem is somewhere below my feet, so it doesn’t take much to dent my sense of my truth and reality.

          I know that everyone will have a different perspective on an event, or life. One example, is that my sister hated me for being the favourite… yet, she didn’t realise what that favouritism meant. So our views on my childhood are quite different. I don’t blame her, that was all she saw. She was hurting as much as I, but in a different way.

          Sometimes the truth can hurt, more than we can imagine. That means that there will be those who don’t want to face it, or admit to their part in it. It’s learning how to live with that tension… and deciding whether it is worthwhile living with that tension.

          Thank you and take care,

    • Hi jo,

      You know what? I think I STINK at communicating… I’m often sitting in therapy, unable to speak because there’s either too much, or nothing, going on in my head. I’ve read your blog and think that you communicate your pain really well; so I wonder if you’re like me… think you’re bad at this communicating thing, but not really. I don’t know, just something to think about – for both of us. Because while I thank you for the compliment, I’m also stunned.

      Please take care,

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