Don't look down

Don’t look down, just keep on walking the tightrope…

Don't look downPeople want to cut the rope, and knock you off balance by throwing more things at you to juggle.  At the moment I don’t seem t have any option, other than to keep taking them on board, and adding them to my act.  Because it is all just an act.  If the rope gets cut, then so be it.  No great loss.

Reminds me of a PostSecret I came across recently –

Supporting character

I only know how to be a supporting character… helping them solve their problems, while giving nothing away of my own struggles.

One day I might be strong enough to send in my own secret; until then, I’ll keep on identify with others.

Edit: Please note that this is about a situation at work.  I’ve become a dumping ground for the different factions at work who can’t play nicely with each other in the sand pit.  It’s doing my head in.

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14 thoughts on “Don't look down

  1. I love your Polyvore image, though I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way.

    As for the sand pit at work – remember it is just that: a playground filled with grown ups who don’t know how to behave. Amazingly, if you stop being their dumping ground, they will find someone else to fill that void.

    Please take care of you. You are much more than a “supporting character” to me.((hugs))

    • Hi Kerro,

      The sand pit was crazy this week… had two women in tears coming to me, and I was expected to go relay messages to other third parties… just juvenile. I was trying hard to remember that we were all over 30, and not six years old again! All the while, I’m expected to do this project which has run two months over schedule, and doesn’t look like it will be finished until next year (if ever), and I’m getting complaints about the other work that I had planned, but had to be delayed because of the project over-run.

      Talk about crazy making! I think I lost it a couple of weeks ago…

      Thanks for the good wishes 🙂
      Take care,
      CG

  2. CG I like this post. I hear the under-tones of pain but while reading it I connected to it within. This is stuff I have…the same as you..but I never really thought about it until I read this. Thank you!
    This kind of awareness is awesome. I have always looked up to you with this blogging (Paul and Lisa too) because you guys are way ahead of me on this stuff. I was always a late bloomer..lol. I can’t tell you how many times in life when something has gone MY way or I have felt great about my life that this underlying fear would pop up of someone pulling the rug out from under me. It’s weird but happiness and success makes me afraid of how bad it will hurt when it collapses. This may be my next post.
    The only time I feel safe in life is when my good things don’t involve anyone else or depend on them in any way. It’s not that I don’t trust them it’s just that you become vulnerable to them and I haven’t been safe that way.
    We all have so many commonalities and each of us faces them in our own way but you are a “brave heart” and I think your awesome! BIG safe hugs for you girlie!

    • Hi Nansie,

      I’m glad to have helped in some way. You’re going through so much that it’s understandable that you’re experiencing this sort of pain.

      Please don’t look up to me, I’m such a mess that I shouldn’t be considered for anything but the psychiatric ward! You have an amazing amount of strength and resilience… you just need to acknowledge and allow that.

      I get what you mean about being scared if someone should pull the rug out from under you. But we can’t allow that sort of fear to keep us from trying. Those are the old messages playing games with us. in the past, so many rugs were pulled from under us; and yes, it still happens, but that is life, and we need to live, rather than exist.

      For me, a great deal of this fear comes from a lack of control. It’s scary not being in total control all of the time. But we can’t be, that’s impossible and too exhausting.

      You’re awesome too Nansie 🙂

      Take care,
      CG

  3. CG,

    I can relate – though not SO much in the work area at the moment (maybe in the past!).

    I got so used to be being there, supporting EVERYONE else, making sure everything was completed as is needed to be, being sure EVERYONE else’s needs’ got met – that I forgot how to even KNOW what mine were and taking care of me – that was a concept I had never even been raised to KNOW about.

    I continued to be VERY “other” focused if that makes sense until I got really sick – BOTH physically and emotionally.

    Someone, a very amazing confident once told me, “Do you know what healthy self-ishness is”? I said, “WHAT”? I had no clue there was even such a thing….

    Then someone else once told me, “You know even Mother Theresa and the greatest of humanitarians did not carry the “world’s problems’ and issues” on them like you do.” Another reality – I carry it, so willingly, right on my back – the shame, the guilt, EVERYTHING – then I FEEL it is my job to make it all better or correct everyone else’s wrongs’ or mistakes or that I brought it all on and am the “mess-up” – the “failure” – everyone else has the right to breathe, to heal, to lean on others’, but not me – I am the “supporting post”….

    I can relate so deeply to this, that my heart breaks for you when I see this and in some ways – my also, but mostly for you, because you feel what I call “weight” only, like you are “sinking”….

    Am not sure what I can msg to ease the feeling, but as always’, I do have a song in mind you might like that I sometimes listen to when I feel this way….

    It is called: “Something Inside So Strong” By: Labi Siffre

    Remember CG, you ARE strong and also, there is GREAT strength in being “weak” in that sometimes, you cannot “take it all on” – no one person can, and it is NOT your JOB to do that – just as it takes a “village to raise a child”, so does it run a work place SUCCESSFULLY.

    See the STRENGTH CG – see it in being able to be WEAK and VOICE that as well (In the proper time and place, mind you!)

    Be Well…

    Just another human being trying to battle in a sometimes inhumane world

    • Hi Human Being HEALING,

      It’s easy to get lost in the needs of others. It takes time to remember that we are important, and worthy of care as well. It’s difficult to remember that their losses and failures are their own, and are not our responsibility. All we need to take responsibility for, are things which are in our control. I know that is easier said than done.

      I’m glad you felt some emotion with this post; it means an internal connection, and to hear that you are talking more with your treatment team is great 🙂 I hope it helps you all. The more we can safely share, the more they can know us, and know how to help.

      Thank you for your support and kind words… I’ll check out that song too 🙂

      Take care,
      CG

  4. I can relate to your postcard message. I am likely to do something alone and I have that drive to make others happy. Learning that I am not responsible for others emotions is really hard.

    • Hi Sandy,

      Just to clarify, the postcard message wasn’t from me… it was one that I found on the PostSecret website. It just fitted what I often feel – I know I struggle with co-dependency issues. I’m really sorry that is your struggle too. I had a quick read of your blog, and can identify with so much of what you write. When I’m not so overwhelmed, I’m going to go back and read some more.

      Not taking on responsibility for the emotions of others is incredibly difficult. It’s all I know, and it feels like an impossible pattern of behaviour to break.

      Take care,
      CG

  5. I agree with your first commenter, you’re going to have to find a professional way of bowing out from being an emotional dumping ground. Saying you don’t have time to get involved and/or that communicating one on one is the adult thing to do is not an unreasonable statement. I’ve had to learn not to be pushed around at my job too, and so I’m not telling you anything I’m not having to do myself. The other day a co-worker found it necessary to e-mail me to inform me that I had parked too close to her vehicle and she had to get in on the passenger side. I explained I was boxed in on the other and she had the audacity to tell me that next time I should choose a different spot… as if someone else wouldn’t have parked there and she wouldn’t have had the same problem. When I told her that I was parked well within my space and that I would park where I chose she accused me of not handling things like an adult. So I did the adult thing and did not further engage, since I already had established my boundary. The adult thing on her part would have been not to waste company time on such a petty inconvenience, but it wasn’t necessary to point that out. I guess I am relaying this to you simply so that you know even though it’s hard, and you may be avoiding conflict or be worried about making someone angry, it’s o.k., and necessary to establish boundaries. Particularly in a professional environment. Friendships are o.k. but if there’s a big enough conflict between employees to induce tears, that’s what the HR department is for.

    • Hi Storm Dweller,

      I usually tell the people involved that they need to see their team leader, or our manager about the issue. Most of them are too scared to do so. The problem is, that we have a culture of complaining to the wrong people, and there is a culture of fear in the organisation. People who have asked difficult questions have soon left the organisation, and others have left in disgust. So the environment is difficult. But also, the people involved make it more difficult. Many of my co-workers thrive on negativity, and it gets me down. I’ve started to avoid break times, just so that I don’t have to listen to their constant moaning about things which can’t be changed – unless they tell the right people.

      As for our HR department… it is often referred to as the rotten heart of the institution; marketing is the grunge filled lungs; and IT the plaque filled arteries 🙂

      “I love my job” 🙂

      Take care,
      CG

      • Ugghhh… Here’s hoping that things improve. We too have a few people who thrive on negativity, but they are pretty well kept in check most of the time between those who stay positive and proactive, and our direct management… at least in the department I work in. I can’t speak to the other ones in my company. You’re in my thoughts. Negative people drag me down too.

        • I work in a fairly small team, so all it takes is a couple of negative people to change the whole environment. It’s a known problem, but so difficult to do anything about – especially when management don’t really see the issue.

          Take care,
          CG

  6. I just got back into town and came over to catch up with you. I’m sorry that people are being idiots at your job. I hate it when adults act like they’re still in junior high school.

    I think that postcard message was dead on. It seems like many of us with the backgrounds we have, tend o fall into this trap of being there for everyone else and putting ourselves last. I think it’s because we were taught that we aren’t important and that kind of lifelong message is very hard get rid of. I really hope things ease up for you soon. I agree with Kerro, people will move on to someone else if they think you’re not filling their idiotic needs anymore. They’re like parasites.

    • Thanks for the support tai. I’m in a position just under the team leader, so I’m meant to sort out some of the problems. I don’t mind some of it, but when they come to me with petty bickering, it does me in.

      Take care,
      CG

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