Hide

Ever wanted to reach out for help, but too terrified to do so?  Something inside tells you that you aren’t worth it, that no one will be interested… no one will care.

So you don’t bother.  You crawl further into your isolation.

You look out at the people around you, and wonder how they can smile when the world is so bad.

—————-
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41 thoughts on “Hide

  1. I remember what it is like to feel like that. It is very difficult, like being caught between two minds, in a room you cannot escape.

    All I can say is: There are people you know who care and will be interested in helping out. Don’t give up on them or yourself.

    Take care 🙂

  2. Hi CG – I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I know this space all too well. It’s nasty.

    Please try to put one finger, even one nail, outside the isolation – it really is the best thing, even if it seems like the scariest.

    And please take care. ((hugs))

    • Hi Kerro,

      I just tried, and failed again.
      I give up jumping through their hoops, and playing their games.

      Don’t let anyone tell you how to be with what happened today…

      Take care,
      CG

      • One step, one fingernail at a time. You perhaps need to draw on that little red engine inside you. I know it’s there – I’ve seen it countless times. I know how difficult it is, I’m not underestimating that.

        Thanks again for your support today. It feels weird – surreal almost, and I keep forgetting. Is that bad?

  3. I still deal with this sensation, even after having been poked and prodded into networking and seeking assistance on a number of different levels, but honestly I always seek it for my children, very rarely ever for myself. And it always surprises me when people come back to me with suggestions on resources that might be helpful to me as an “individual” as well. It always surprises me that people want to help me. I feel bad accepting help because I tend to tell myself, “I really don’t have it that bad. How can I accept this when there is someone else out there that needs it so much worse than I do?” I deal with this a lot when speaking to my counselor (also another resource I was pushed into seeking, because someone at one point suggested that I deserved to be able to deal with how overwhelmed I was feeling too) and she gets frustrated at having to remind me that there is always someone with a greater need out there, but that it doesn’t lessen my own, or take away from the desire of other people to help me. I still don’t get it, but I am grateful and amazed that there are people who think enough of me, and of the work I do to care for my children, that they want to try to help make it easier to take care of me too.

  4. I think you are SO worth it, I care and am honored to have you on here. I am GLAD you are around to write and becoming my friend….

    I CARE!

  5. I understand CG. You’re not alone out here in the world, we’re all here with you and we all care about you.

    I know you said it’s about trust, trust is a big deal and past experiences make trusting others very difficult. It’s also hard sometimes to trust ourselves. I know that being alone is the time I feel safest, which is sad.

    I hope you’re able to come out soon and connect with something.

    • Thanks tai…

      I honestly wasn’t meaning this post to be about people saying they cared; because in all honesty, that makes me nervous and uncomfortable. It was purely about sharing where I’m at.

      Please take care,
      CG

      • I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. It’s awful that the crisis team failed you that way! That’s one of the terrible things about mental health care, they don’t care when they should. Can you talk to your therapist at all? I wish I knew what to say, but I don’t want to make it worse. You’re in my thoughts…

        • Hi tai,

          Sorry, I’m hurting and I didn’t say that well… what I meant was that I get nervous when people say they care because I don’t understand it. It also means that there is possibly a hitch in the whole suicide idea. So it’s all about me and my stupid issues, nothing at all to do what you said – which was caring and lovely.

          So I’m trying to keep it all intellectual and easy… none of those messy emotions.

          I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t be allowed to write to anyone when I’m like this.

          As for talking with Allison, I saw her twice last week because I have the word “mess” tattooed all over me. I usually see her today, but there wasn’t a free appointment. I think I’m seeing her tomorrow. But if it’s another session like last week, then it’s not going to be good. It feels like the hounds inside my head are being let loose, rather than appeased.

          Thank you, and please take care,
          CG

          • I get trying to be intellectual about it, I really do. And don’t apologize for feeling how you feel CG. Aren’t our blogs meant for times like these?

            I know you don’t feel confident about seeing Allison but I think you need someone there in person to connect with. You reached out and it didn’t work because the system sucks, but don’t give up.

            I’m hurting for you and don’t you dare apologize because this is what friendship means, it’s how I should feel and it’s ok. Just take care of you. Maybe knowing that you’ll see Allison can give you some sort of relief? Something to focus on?

  6. This was your story when you were a little girl CG…it isn’t anymore…it was my story too and it isn’t anymore. The world is full of good people and if they had known what was happening to us they would have taken us away from it and protected us. HUGS to you (safe)!

    • Hi Nansie,

      I wish I could agree with you, but I called the crisis team twice last night… I did reach out. Both times I called, I was dismissed and told to keep distracting. So my current experiences just reinforce the ones from the past. It shows me that nothing will change, and that no matter what hoops I jump through, it will never be enough. I will still be dismissed and not believed.

      Take care,
      CG

      • CG I am so sorry! I wish you were here…we could stay up all night and talk…..if you wanted. We could stay up all night and say nothing too….We’re all here for you and I pray it gets easier….

  7. Hi CG, I am so sorry you feel this bad and you can’t reach out. It’s horrible that the crisis team dismissed you. I can unfortunately relate to the feeling of feeling so worthless tha tyou don’t bother to reach out. I really hope you feel better soon.

  8. We know that place all too well. And that feeling is often reinforced when we do try to reach out. It’s hard.

    “You look out at the people around you, and wonder how they can smile when the world is so bad.”

    Yeah, makes us feel even more like we’re from a different world.

    Take gentle care,
    Bay

    • Hi Bay,

      I’m sorry this is your experience too.

      I keep on being told that it’s ok not to trust, and to take your time over building the sense of trust needed to reach out… but then, something happens and any trust that was there, goes out the window. It’s difficult not to let that reinforce the old messages – sometimes it feels impossible.

      Thank you for stopping by and commenting.

      Please take care,
      CG

  9. Hang in there CG…the sunshine will come out in all of our heads one day…I just know it….it has to. One thing is for sure…another year has gone by and we’re all still here blogging to each other. During that year we’ve brought each other alot of comfort and strong words. The sun will come out….it will!

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