Some days, you just want the world to slow down… preferably stop. It feels like you’re being swept along on a tidal wave of noise, anxiety and demands from others… but all you want to do is stand still and ask it to stop. The thing is, it will never stop… our only hope is to change the way we deal with those feelings.
The past few months have been a fairly constant series of tidal waves, dragging me under and tossing me about. This has come to some sort of head this week… my mother is visiting for her 70th birthday; the Rugby World Cup starts tonight (the hoopla associated with such an event has been intense); Winnie’s health is failing; and I was offered the position of team leader. Being offered the job seems to have been the last straw. As soon as the offer was made, an internal cacophony erupted… “Yes” … “No” … “$%^# NO” … “What?” … “YES” … “I’m scared“…
Possibly because there was so much confusion, I didn’t do an immediate people pleasing response of “Yes”. They gave me the weekend to think it over, but it feels like I’m running on a mouse wheel, going nowhere. I already struggle to cope with work, so why would I want to increase that stress? My manager and current team leader say that I am ready for the move… but, am I? Is someone who needs fairly major doses of sedatives before they can teach, really be able to lead a team? I’m already showing physical signs of the stress, so would this push me over the edge?
It feels like I’m being pulled in all directions. It feels like the only way out is through the old coping mechanisms. To say “Yes” and take the punishment. Be a good girl, and play the game.
You always have to play the game, no matter what.
I just want to be alone… alone and clean. I feel so dirty and disgusting.