The theme for this months Expressive Arts Carnival is:
Through drawing, painting, or any other visual means, create an image that incorporates your personal hopes and dreams.
I’m not sure why, but I found this activity really easy to do. This, of course, makes me incredibly suspicious… did I not think it through properly… did I focus too much on the happy, cheery aspect of it all… did I do the exercise when so dissociated, that it will make no sense in an hour/day/week… That sort of self-doubt is the kind of thing that I hope to one day not live with so strongly.
When I was thinking of how to sum up my hopes and dreams visually, my immediate thought was to have an image of a woman confidently smiling into the camera. This is my ultimate hope… to be able to look people in the eye, with a smile on my face, and without the need to dissociate in order to accomplish it. Because, if I can do that, then I will have confidence and a sense of self-worth; and I won’t be living under the cloud of shame that envelopes me and directs so many of my actions.
The problem with this, was that it was based on having a photo that could represent that feeling/image. I can’t put an image of myself on this blog, and I felt uncomfortable finding a representative image. I’m not quite sure why there was resistance to doing so, but I think it was because it would be having someone else’s face represent my hope for the future. As a result, I purposefully moved away from images, and instead created the following Wordle…
These are my long term hopes… so closer to the 10 year, rather than 5 year time-frame. Some are about where I want to be physically (healthy and by the ocean), but a majority are about my mental health.
In many ways, my hopes and dreams are about possibilities… just daring to have hopes and dreams is about the possibility for a future. Then, to have that future possibly be better than what I currently experience, is another possibility. It is possible, because anything is possible. Add to that my determination to have a life worth living, and I definitely think it’s possible.